What is Conscious BDSM?
So you’re doing kink, but something’s wrong. You or your partners feel off, icky, disrespected. What’s missing? Consciousness.
Conscious BDSM is when you intentionally honor all aspects of your existence: your sexual and biological nature; your emotional and psychological nature; your physical presentation; and your deep beliefs about the kind of kinky sex or kink partner that is the most satisfying for you.
At the core of ethical sex lies the principle of informed mutual consent. This means that all parties involved in a sexual encounter actively and willingly agree to participate, free from coercion or pressure. Understanding and respecting the boundaries and desires of oneself and one’s partner are the crucial components of ethical sex. Open communication — about desires, limits, and preferences — creates an environment where you can comfortably express yourself without fear of judgment.
The natural intensity of BDSM relationships — and the inequality in the power relationships we choose — make basic “golden rules” required. These rules set the framework for conscious kink relationships. They address the emotional/psychological side of kink. Your awareness of the subjective emotional realities of kink is as important as your awareness of the physical risks of kink. Simply put, how you really feel and how your partner really feels are as important as how you or they react to physical stimulation.
My Golden Rules of Conscious BDSM
YMMV, but here are my seven golden rules for conscious kink:
Consent Comes First
Informed consent means our partners understand what they’ll be doing, who they’re doing it with, what if any risks (such as triggers) exist, and what to expect afterward. If you notice reservations, inability to provide clear and meaningful consent, or hesitations and push-back about the things you want, you may need to step away.
Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway) — haranguing, manipulation, aggression, lying, or omitting important information about oneself can never be mutually consensual. If someone pulls any of those moves, don’t just step away, run away.
Respect is Humane
Whether your relationships are pay-for-play, casual play, kinky friends-with-benefits, or permanent relationships (switch, service-based, Lifestyle, or some other variation), everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Never confuse BDSM with a license to be mean or sadistic outside of the bounds of consent.
Unless they consented to be treated as “lesser” outside of play, respect their boundaries, their sensitivities, their unique needs, and their personhood. Respecting others show that you have self-respect. If you treat them like trash, you likely feel like trash deep down inside. Get help for that. Mutual respect builds mutual trust!
Communication Skills Are Key
In BDSM/Fetish/Kink, there is really nothing more frustrating than someone who can’t clearly communicate what they want. Submissives and dominants alike may find it difficult to be forthright because they are afraid they will turn their partner off or scare them away. Yet it is precisely the joining of compatible desires and ethics that make for the best kink relationships.
If your real needs scare them away, then move on: it will be a long, uphill battle otherwise. If you ignore fundamental incompatibilities or red flags, you may have a damaged attachment style.
So be honest and real about your genuine needs (not your fantasies, which may not be livable). If you don’t know, then think about them. Prepare a list, short or long, so you can refer to it or share it with your partner. If you can’t communicate, you are NOT ready for a BDSM relationship.
Negotiation is Essential
Even in Lifestyle Power Relationships, negotiations should still be based on the concept that you are both human beings who naturally evolve over time. You are also two adults who consciously and consensually have chosen the roles you are living out, top or bottom.
A power relationship is NOT a license to manipulate, much less coerce, a submissive into keeping terms they are not comfortable with. Yes, you as a sub may do a lot of things for the dom that you wouldn’t do for anyone else, especially if you grant them blanket control. But first, you should negotiate clearly what you are willing to do for mutual pleasure, including how far you want a power dynamic to extend into your daily life. Then prepare to renegotiate every time there are new changes to your (or their) life to keep your relationship on track. Learn How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations.
Forgive And Keep Growing
When and if something unintentionally goes awry, forgive yourself and/or your partner. As in daily life, we know that no one is perfect. Misfires, failure to launch, poor choice of words, toy fails, toy accidents — they all happen, even to the most experienced of us.
Handling failures with calm and compassion makes you trustworthy to your partner. Don’t treat partners like adversaries if something occasionally goes wrong: that attitude destroys trust. (If it always goes wrong, time to work with a therapist!) You may not forget but you can always forgive the small failures that life brings us, even in kink. Indeed, you can learn from setbacks and use your new wisdom to make things go better in the future. Mutual forgiveness for small setbacks will help you and your relationship thrive.
Cleanliness is Respectful
This is a general rule of sex but needs to be said! Sometimes it is the most basic thing that can disrupt or destroy a new partner encounter — as well as the potential of forming a long-term relationship with them. That basic thing is a perceived lack of hygiene, which shows a lack of respect for your partner’s feelings. It could be an unpleasant odor, teeth that have never met a brush, dirty hair, or even dirty toys. You don’t want to turn someone off before they’ve even got to know what a good person/partner you can be. Make sure all the basics are in order before you head out for action.
This brings me to my last Golden Rule — probably one you learned as a child. But this one applies to grown-ups!
Do Unto Others As You’d Have Others Do Unto You
How do you want people to treat you? Are you hoping for respect, courtesy, affection, or gratitude? Do you crave affirmation (“good boy/girl” to a bottom, or, to tops, “you are so hot” and “you are the best *fill in the blank*”)?
Sure, in the midst of a scene, we may stomp on this Golden Rule with giddy joy. But I’m not talking about the games we play. This is about respecting your partner’s innate value as a human being.
Show them courtesy, compassion, and politeness. Say things to brighten up their day. Be judicious about expressing frustration, anger, and disappointment. Keep it affectionate in word and deed. Whether you loved what you did with them or it was “meh,” they deserve to see your best self.
Make Your Own Golden Rules
I created the following exercise for you. It’s designed to help you boost your kink consciousness according to your own relationship style and agreements.
- Make your own list of golden rules you wish others to follow when engaging with you. For example, if you are always respectful and courteous, regardless of your role, make RESPECT one of your golden rules.
- Read your list as often as you must to memorize it. If your memory’s not the best, then shorten it to a “cheat sheet” and keep it on your phone so it’s always within easy reach.
- Use your own list to figure out (a) is your partner treating you the way you want to be treated? and (b) are you treating them by the same code of ethics?”
Remember, folks, it’s not just about being kinky. For those of us who’ve decided to forgo the vanilla life, who blaze our own path, it’s about consciously following our own ethical codes. These rules stop the “ick” from happening and keep us focused on living our kinky dreams.
Further Reading
Ethical Power Exchange Relationships
