Accepting your fetish can be difficult. A familiar theme that crops up among my clients is the idea that unless they have “the right” sexual identity, they’re broken. They fear, they feel trapped, and they stew in that rut, often beating themselves up.
“Why am I this way? Was I traumatized permanently? Am I broken? Can I be cured?” These questions crop up all the time, especially among those with sexual fetishes. And yes, I’m happy to help people dissect their life histories to explore how they ended up on their varying paths… BUT! The real work is not only about analyzing the past. It’s about making new choices to improve your future potential. Life is an ever-changing, forward-moving force. Sometimes getting lost along the way is the path.
Change is Possible to the End
The ancient Romans had a saying, “While we live, we must live.” (Dum Vivimus Vivamus) It means that as long as we live, we should not retreat from life’s pleasures. We should take advantage of everything we can enjoy. After all, death is inevitable — but we’re not dead yet!
This is as true now as it was a millennia ago. For younger people, it means you have plenty of time to change existing relationships or form new, better relationships. For older people, it’s a sharp reminder that new possibilities and new experiences are still possible. Thus we must live while we’re alive, and work towards greater fulfillment while we still can. Accepting your fetish can be a vital part of that work.
Dan’s Story
Dan, a shy guy in his sixties, carried a secret since he was thirteen. That was the age he was when he stumbled on a hidden cache of porn magazines in his parents’ basement.
One of them was filled with photos of sexy ladies dressed in tight leather and shiny latex. Some of them held whips, others posed majestically, shoulders back, chests forward, heads held high. They wore fierce looks on their faces and their eyes seemed to stare into his soul.
He had masturbated a little before this but the magazine changed him forever. From that moment on, just remembering those pictures made him so horny, he had to masturbate to relieve the excitement they had provoked.
He returned to the magazine many times — until, mysteriously, the porn collection abruptly vanished. He felt destroyed. Had his parents figured out that he was looking at them? Did his mother find them while cleaning the space and throw them all out? He frantically worried that she now knew his secret! He waited for her to use it against him, to punish him, to tell him how much he sickened her with his perversions. It never happened.
But he could never overcome the feeling that if and when someone found out his true desires, his life would be wrecked.
Dan’s Marriage Was in Shambles Over His Kinks
He was in the process of divorcing a woman who, at first, said she found his kinks “creative,” and played along. But she never got the dominant role right, certainly not as he always envisioned it. She really wanted him to lead the relationship. Little by little, their sex life died. “I thought I was marrying a real man,” she sniped at him, “I just want normal sex, not all your weird shit.”
With divorce on the horizon, he was eager to act on his fantasies. He didn’t know how to do that. He felt lost. Who would want a 65-year-old man?? If he gave in to his desires, he could fall into a downward spiral, perhaps even meet another woman who treated him the way his wife did, humiliating him and mocking him for his secret needs or, worse, conning him out of money. Fear and shame blinded him to seeing a better future.
Dan’s Slow Transformation
We worked on his shame first. We made a connection he’d never considered: that if he expected to be punished by his mother for looking at BDSM porn, there may have been negative messaging in his home or school, or church about sex. Why else would he be so convinced she would be harsh? And why else would he feel so ashamed by getting aroused when he gaped at gorgeous yet scary femdoms?
We explored some of the roots of his shame. It was very emotional for him to return to the past, but he courageously faced it. Little by little, he began to accept that nothing was wrong with him. He was a sub like millions of other sub men, and “normal for a kinky person,” as I explained. Now he wanted to find a woman to marry who would dominate him at home.
Dan Was Ready for Accepting His Fetish
I encouraged him to join some kink-centered sites, and begin his journey to accepting that “his kinks were ok! (“YKIO”) He read stories about other men’s journeys to self-acceptance and felt better. He saw submissive men who had found the dominant women of their dreams. For the first time, he felt some hope.
What had once seemed impossible now seemed attainable.. He was shy and anxious when he contacted them, but he felt ready to see a professional dominatrix. He was as frightened as he was excited when a beautiful young woman agreed to see him. We talked about what he could expect — and he learned about what he SHOULD expect, which was, at the very least, respect, kindness, and safety during his explorations. I would be there in the background to reassure him if he needed a quick pep talk. I offered him a “safe call” when he got there. We also agreed that he would call me immediately afterwards so that he had support if she didn’t give him enough aftercare.
Dan Found His Path
I’ll never forget his call after that first, life-changing visit with a femdom.
He was happy. Genuinely happy. It wasn’t perfect but still more than he had ever expected to find. She knew how to push his buttons and pushed them deliciously hard. Now he knew for a fact there were women out there who appreciated submissive men and loved playing BDSM games with them. He was already planning his next visit to her — and thinking of other femdoms he might see in the future. “My whole life has changed,” he told me tearfully. “I never knew it could be this good.”
A year later, Dan finally dipped into the BDSM Community. There he found friends and fellow travelers in submission. He met people who were much kinkier than him. That relaxed him even more. It reinforced his new-found belief that, indeed, accepting your fetish is ok! We both agreed Dan had finally found his path. He gave up his original goal of finding a femdom to marry. At his age, he said, he could be happy enough with play partners and warm relationships with select Kinky folk. He didn’t need a wife.. He enjoyed the freedom to explore and play with a range of people.
Accepting Your Fetish Opens New Doors
The most common question kinky clients ask: “Can you make me not want what I want?”
In other words, “Can you cure me?” Simply put, you can’t “cure” a normal sex or gender orientation because sex and gender identities are naturally diverse. Orientation is a feature, not a flaw.
Just as rejecting your own nature can destroy your ability to find joy, accepting your fetish does the opposite. It makes you more at home with yourself. Learning to love yourself as you are is key to progress.
But too many “wanna live my kink” people get lost in negativity. Sometimes their obstacle is simply a lack of the social skills to navigate kinky social spaces. Anyone can pick up those skills with work. Other times, it’s deeper — a long history of repression or betrayals. That journey is harder but once accomplished, so exhilarating! Liberation from self-negativity may show you new opportunities for pleasure. Dan had no idea how much fun had been waiting for him all along!
Accepting Your Fetish is Part of the Path to Fulfillment
Giving up on getting the things you want most out of life is a sure road to eternal limbo. If you feel lost, take it as a sign that you should make changes. You can see it as your wake-up call to leave yesterday behind and focus on what you could have in the here and now.
Never give up on yourself! Live to the fullest while you are alive. Your happiness depends on it.
