The first question my kinky clients ask is – “Can you cure my fetish?”
Short answer: nope! Now, let’s look into the science behind that.
Sexual desires are aspects of human identity. In other words, they are as natural and normal to you as the foods you prefer, the kind of movies you like, and the kind of sports you are drawn to.
There is a scientific likelihood that gene markers influence all of the little differentials in how humans feel and behave and that includes what you crave in bed — which suggests there may be markers for kinks and fetishes. It could take decades to figure out, but the anecdotal and historical evidence is plentiful that kinky sex has existed for as long as people have existed. That indicates it is in the human gene pool.
So let us shoot down the miseducated notion that kinks are things people “catch” from others, that exposure to kink suddenly rewires your DNA, or that either trauma or a pivotal childhood event is the source of sexual identity.
Environment
Still, genes are NOT everything. Why not? Because we’re evolving every day.
That’s another way to say we process environmental signals every day. Environmental factors shape everything in our lives, including our attitudes. People who grow up isolated from evidence-based sex education may never know they have a fetish or kink — they don’t have the language to identify it. To them, it may just be some weird thing they like. Other people in other places may grow up profoundly aware that they are different from others, especially in their teens when people are raving about tits and asses while their attention is captivated by a rubber raincoat or pair of leather boots.
How people become fetishists — and which fetish object, act, or body part they will fixate on — is likely a matter of environment, circumstances, and exposure during “sexual formation,” or the earliest years of your life when you are presexual. Presexuality starts pretty much at birth and continues until reproductive age (usually puberty). Your pre-sexuality matures in tandem with your personality. Of course, experiences in your teens through your elder years will continue to shape you too, but they are typically more like refinements and changes to that early template.
Between genetics, environment, and epigenetics, you become who you are in an individualistic mosaic of traits and patterns. For sexually different people, this human journey means additional hardships, often in the form of shame around our desires. Those hardships, in turn, affect how we see ourselves and our desires.
Desires are Nothing to be Ashamed Of
A lot of people struggle with a burden of shame about their fetishes. (I should know, I work with them.) Whether it’s because their spouse fought with them about it, their parents caught them in an embarrassing moment, or their religious leaders made them believe it was sinful, they could not overcome the belief that they were depraved. (And not in a good way.)
For people like them, the journey must pause to absorb and process the truth about fetishes.
First, you can’t cure a fetish. It is not a disease, a psychopathy, a neurosis, or a sin. It is a part of you, like your leg or your lungs. You can feel it inside you. It’s as real and alive as your sense of self, of which it is a part. Without your fetish or kink, you would be SOMEONE ELSE.
That means that the place of peace for fetishists doesn’t lie in attempting to “cure” your core identity. It comes by acknowledging that your fetish is normal for you. Your desires are just as valid as someone else’s passion for tarantulas or their taste for coffee pooped by civets.
The real question for adults is – “how will we live with the fact that we’re kinky?”
The Power of Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is the place of enlightenment for people struggling with kinks and fetishes.
Self-acceptance begins when you realize that a desire for any particular sex act is neither unusual nor gross. Everything about sex, after all, depends on its context.
So what are you doing with it?
Are you and your partner of legal age, have you talked it over, and have you both decided you want to explore it together? Do you know how to do it safely? Are you using safe words or codes or anything else to protect both sides from harm? YES? Lovely. Go. Do. You are entitled to sexual pleasure.
With self-acceptance comes the belief that you deserve happiness. Self-acceptance allows you to quit beating yourself up. To trust your gut instincts. To pursue personal happiness. With self-acceptance, it becomes easier to resist the things that drag you down and to lean into the things that lift you up.
The same applies to the people around you: you may leave behind the negative people and look toward people who are nonjudgmental and warm. Soon you realize that you are as entitled as anyone else to sexual happiness.
If your fetish brings you joy, then who gets hurt when you fight yourself and deny yourself? You. Your shame is harming you.
Don’t sabotage yourself. There are better ways to live.
Don’t ask me to cure a fetish, ask me how to enjoy it
The evidence of sex science shows that instead of attempting to decondition people, instead of giving them aversion therapy, teaching them to love themselves is the only sound path.
That’s why my work with some clients starts with a focus on self-esteem issues and the circumstances of their youth. It helps clients to understand where their fetish-negativity comes from. It helps end of the cycle of fearing their needs and shaming themselves for having them.
Fetishists are just regular human beings, with the same human feelings, hopes, and dreams as others. So we also need to examine whether and how shame has lowered their expectations in life. This can mean asking why they accept partners who don’t accept them. Or why, if they yearn for an accepting partner, they direct all their energy to porn instead. Imagine if they could find someone who accepted them as they are — even appreciated and felt grateful for who they are? That comfort can only come through intimacy with a caring partner.
Once a person examines these things, they’re ready to take the next steps in moving forward as a person who accepts their kinky nature. These steps are the basic way people learn, the experiential way – do, reflect, improve, do some more. The basic steps:
Experiential development in sex
- Examine past choices and experiences
- Learn to make better choices
- Implement these learnings as you accumulate experience
My clinical mantra: sex is experiential. You can’t know how to make sex (or fetish, kink, or any other erotic fun) better unless you have a baseline to improve on. And the more experience you gather, the more you can tweak and perfect your expression of your sexual nature.
What makes us truly human is our diversity. You need to adapt, forgive yourself, and move on to a better life. You are worthy of love, kindness, compassion, and also a helluva lot of fun times. Know that you deserve to feel joy, pleasure, and even ecstasy through your body. Why? Because you are human, just like the rest of us. Don’t ever put yourself down for being different. It’s normal! Enjoy the ride.
Further Reading: Are Kinks Hereditary? Justin Lehmiller, Katharine Gates, and I discuss our theories on the genetics of kink.
Keep Up With Me
Catch up on recent interviews I’ve given to the press.
Women’s Health, A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From Sex Therapists
Gawker, Does Liz Truss Wear a BDSM Day Collar?
Bustle, What Is Praise Kink & Why Is It All Over My FYP?
Bustle, Why Sexual Incompatibility Doesn’t Mean the End of the Relationship
Glamour, Are Kinks Hereditary?
