A (very) Short Primer on Ethical Power Exchange
One of the most important lessons to be learned from BDSM/Kink is how to use power ethically. Nowhere does that come up more than in power exchange relationships.
As we learn ethics in kink, first we learn that consent is a whole lot more than a person merely saying yes. Then we grow our personal ethics regarding how we treat others. As we learn, we keep our kink lives steadily evolving forward.
Analyzing power in our world is an important process that pushes us to mature our understanding of WIITWD. As we grow, our new understandings can become practical lessons for dealing with the epic amount of nonconsensual bullshit we see out there — in the world at large but also, at times, in our own kink communities.
This primer is intended to help you understand the infrastructure of consensual, power exchange relationships. It will teach you some basic concepts about how to build ethical power exchanges. If it makes you question choices you made in the past, that’s a good thing. If it helps you build a happier future for yourself, that’s even better.
Defining Power Exchange Relationships
What is power exchange?
At its most basic it is the flow of power between two people — one a leader or authority figure (in kink that means a top, dom, or master) and a follower (bottom, sub, or slave). In kink, these are chosen roles that all parties have agreed to assume with one another. The person in charge takes control, and the other person surrenders. Power exchange can last for the length of an experience (top/bottom) or extend to other interactions, such as service or obedience (dom/sub). Or it may be a master/slave relationship in which both accept their power exchange as their norm and live the dynamic 24/7 (or as often as their lives allow).
What’s different in a power exchange relationship?
There are three essential components of a kinky power exchange:
- Consciousness. The people involved know it’s what they like and want, and have learned enough about themselves to believe it will bring them a higher level of satisfaction in life. Power exchange is often a core need for them.
- Consent is the hallmark of all ethical power relationships in kink. It should be informed consent: people know what they are getting into. They negotiate what they want to do (for themselves) and what they are willing to do (for a partner). And, of course, they choose who they want to do it with.
- Clear Boundaries. People create clear boundaries in order to get what they want and avoid things they don’t like. They do this by having clear, frank communication with their partners. Unlike vanilla relationships, kinky folx discuss boundaries and limits before making any commitments.
Learning to Exchange Power
How far should the power exchange go in kinky relationships?
There is no one true way to erotic happiness. It’s up to YOU to figure out what really rings your bells, what suits your core needs, and your personality. You can be a Dom, a Daddy, a Master, a Service Dom, a Switch. You can be a slave to one person and a Mistress to another. One can even be a maledom in one relationship and a femsub in another — or vice versa. Your kink style is as fluid and versatile as you are.
For some, though, the allure of a strict Master/slave relationship is the 24/7 hotness of being “lifestyle. While there is no “correct” way to live in a 24/7 power relationship, there are many clubs, families, and tribes who abide by M/s traditions. They love the protocols and common rituals. They love the structure of its formal rules.
Whether you choose to be lifestyle M/s or feel better in D&S (dominance and submission) framework is entirely your choice. Or should be! And that is the beauty of BDSM/kink. It’s the exhilaration of being totally free to follow our own desires.
How do you improve power exchange relationships?
There are many ways to grow a power-based relationship into a solid, permanent commitment. Here are two key strategies to promote an ethical and loving connection.
BUILD TRUST. How do people build trust? By doing what they say they’ll do. If they continue to do what they said they’d do, respect negotiated limits and safe words, and live up to the commitments they’ve made, they continuously build a foundation of trustworthiness others can count on.
Trust goes both ways. When both partners do the above, it leads to mutual trust. And mutual trust means you and your partner can give each other better and deeper experiences of power exchange. The controlled person can fully surrender to subspace. The controlling person can feel a euphoric calm.
EXERCISE COMPASSION. Things won’t always work out as planned. Yes, your dominant/master is mighty and decisive, a sub/slave’s rock. Or your sub/slave is a pleaser who will go all the way for you. We are all human beings, though, which means imperfect, sometimes flawed, or unable to follow through on our intentions. We are diverse, unique individuals with more going on than our erotic lifestyle to think about. That’s why things won’t always work out exactly as planned. So plan for it.
Showing genuine compassion, including making time to really listen to one another and forgiveness for small mistakes, is a key to healthy power-exchange relationships. The power of mutual kindness cannot be overrated.
Give it thought
This brief overview of how ethical power exchange works could run on for a book, or several books. Perhaps one day it will!
For now, consider my points as an introduction to the basics of ethical power. If you have experience, think about your own definitions of ethical power — what would you add to or subtract from the above? If you are negotiating a new relationship or renegotiating the terms of an ongoing relationship, use this primer as a conversation starter. Think about it.
