It’s a question that most subs grapple with – how to pick the right dom? Pick poorly and it can be a disaster in so many ways.
A common misconception that newcomers to BDSM make is assuming that all doms are the same — they engage in the same acts, they share the same knowledge base, they have the same ethics, and they have the same skill sets. Newbies often don’t set many standards on doms, in the wrongful belief that “a dom is a dom.”
When they wear the right clothes, have the right gear, and call themselves dominants, they must be “real dominants,” right? After all, most subs have read about “slave” and “sub” journeys, and think that all doms know how to give them ecstasy and teach them about the lifestyle.
I remember being a naive newbie. It was so confusing because of my false expectations. When I tried bottoming, I discovered that doms were as diverse and different from each other as regular people. Imagine that! When I explored my dom side, I made the same mistake about subs. I judged people according to their roles instead of who they were as humans.
It led to some bad choices and broken relationships. And I see that same bad pattern frequently repeated by newbies — and, yes, even some oldies who don’t know how to pick a dom.
Different People are Different People
BDSMers are as different in kinks, style, attitude, and psychology as non-kinky people. One thing that unites BDSM doms is, usually, that they respect consent codes — but even there, they may follow different ethical codes. They may be SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), CNC (Consensual Non-Consensual), PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink), or follow other codes. And, sad but true, some don’t have strict ethics about consent at all.
Similarly, most doms are very good at a particular skill, whether bondage, pain play, sensuality, or whips. There are very few who are great at everything. I’ve known whip kings and queens who can drive you into an erotic frenzy but are heartless when the play stops. I’ve seen dominants with crappy rope skills but cool head games and wonderful aftercare.
The notion that labels define people is not only a waste of time but can lead to dysfunctional relationships, which can be hazardous at worst and disappointing at best.
So the best way to decide if a dom is a good choice for you is to see them as real people, and pay attention to their actions, what they say, and how they treat you as human beings.
The Human Factor Matters
The differences among dominants require that the submissive needs to understand where the dom is coming from and who they truly are before committing to a full relationship. Otherwise, you may choose a dom who doesn’t give you the experience you’ve been looking for.
Before you start looking, consider things that attracted you to your previous partners. Focus on the qualities you liked most in those relationships. Then make a mental list of what made you unhappy: those will be your red flags for future relationships. Build a basic idea of the kind of HUMAN BEING you’d enjoy being with, perhaps for life.
Did you enjoy similar activities outside of sex? Were you able to have deep conversations with them? Did they accept you as you are? Were they kind to you? Did they allow room for your personality and humanity? Did they respect your likes and dislikes? How about a sense of humor — is that important to you or are you more comfortable with someone who tends to be serious much of the time?
Yes, most good doms can show a lot of different subs a good time during a play session — but how many of them can satisfy those other standards?
What’s Good for Others May Be Awful for You
Because there is no universal dom-type suited to every sub, there are some questions you need to ask before you commit to a relationship with a dom. My client, Josh, was wired to be sub, but he assumed that all femdoms were as cold and uncaring as exes who dommed him in bed. They didn’t know how to shut off their cruelty outside of bed. So he expected femdoms to be mean people and feared them as much as he desired them.
Josh trapped himself into seeing only professional doms, because it felt safer to him to pay and go home after one or two hours, never having to see or deal with them outside of his sessions. It left him in emotional turmoil because what he craved was a monogamous relationship with a femdom who he could potentially marry and with whom he could start a family.
Character Matters
Another client, Sarah, believed all male doms were ready to take her on a slow journey to submission. She met a dom who told her up-front that he was non-monogamous. When she said she was monogamous, he switched gears and led her to believe he would focus on her. So she jumped into a dom/sub relationship, wistfully thinking he was making an exception for her. Their first month was everything she’d hoped for and she vowed submission to him. In month two, she found his ads for subs online and he admitted he was attending parties without her because “she wasn’t ready.” A month later, he told her about several other subs he was domming. She was jealous and crushed. When she confronted him, he said, “I told you I was non-monogamous, so why are you complaining?”
I’ve known subs who learned the hard way that their doms showed off their skills at clubs with strangers but never at home with them. I’ve met subs and doms who wait for their partner to become a better person until they finally must accept that day would never come. I’ve worked with subs dealing with the repercussions of consent violations and monetary control by doms.
Like Sarah, they felt obliged to suffer in silence. Some even thought that emotional pain was “normal” for a sub. Please don’t let that be you. BDSM is about growing, learning, and evolving to new levels of self-fulfillment. It isn’t about sitting at home, crying over betrayals, empty promises, and emotional damages.
Don’t Fall into the Newbie Trap
Here is a short list of what newbies need to avoid!
- Don’t paint all doms with a broad brush. Instead, get to know each one’s character.
- Don’t judge them by their outfits, toys, or popularity. Look at how they treat people in general and you in particular. Are they kind to you? Or are they arrogant?
- Don’t confuse submission or physical masochism with mistreatment. Suffering for a dom during a pain scene can be awesome; crying yourself to sleep because the dom doesn’t understand or care about your needs is a nightmare.
- Don’t fall for the line, “I’ve been doing this for 20+ years.” Look deeper. How many of their relationships were good? How long did they last?
- Don’t assume that someone who talks about consent and ethics practices those things. Some leaders and teachers don’t practice what they preach.
Look For These 5 Green Flags
Some great green flags are when the dom is:
- Respectful, regardless of your status or orientation.
- Happy to discuss kink with you in as much detail as you’d like.
- Not portraying themselves as a “kink know-it-all” or constantly blowing their horns
- Eager to hear your limits and discuss theirs
- Maintains friendly relationships with former partners and play partners.
In summary, don’t take their words as the whole truth. Let them prove they mean what they say by their actions.
What’s Best for You
What’s best for you in BDSM is based on who you are as a person and the things you enjoy the most. Keep dating, playing, and looking around for those who ring a deeper chord than “ooh, they are hot.” I mean, sure, hotness is great for flirting and sexy fun — but your standards should go beyond looks if you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship.
With millions of kinky people on the hunt for partners, you don’t have to settle. Take the time to think about how to pick a dom. Look for a spark, some chemistry, similar core values, honesty, and reliability before you jump into anything serious. You’ll learn more about yourself in one year in a functional BDSM relationship than you will from a lifetime of BDSM failures.
Want to find a dom?
Read How to Find a Dominant, by Jude Sampson, published by Moonsgrove Press.
Stay Tuned: in my next blog, I’ll explore how you can vet a dom!
image credit: StableDiffusionWeb.com
