Why do you need special BDSM Consent Skills?
If you can’t say no, you can’t say yes. Everyone doing BDSM (or life, for that matter) needs to be able to clearly articulate their needs and maintain good boundaries. If they can’t yet do that, they need a little education and support to develop those basic skills. That makes it possible to have a consensual BDSM relationship.
Meanwhile, if someone can’t accept that no means no, if they ignore safe words because they think they know what’s best, they need to work on self-discipline, empathy, and humility before they call themself a BDSMer. Ignoring consent isn’t kinky, it’s abuse.
BDSM implies mutual informed consent among adults. The Community is very clear on the raw basics: all parties must be of legal adult age where they live, must give verbal consent to what they will do together, and must fully understand what they’re getting into. Ideally, both (or all) parties will be eager to do it.
So what essential consent skills must a BDSMer be aware of?
The 5 SKILLS
BDSM is a consent-based system. In order to keep you and your partner(s) safe, healthy, and out of jail, here are my recommended five bottom-line rules for consent in BDSM.
Set Boundaries
Regardless of the role you play, knowing your personal boundaries is essential.
It presents a unique challenge for all BDSMers: on one hand, we can’t know all our true boundaries until we test them out. On the other hand, not setting boundaries can lead people to do things, sometimes on the spur of the moment, that they may regret later on. Sometimes they even do things that end up traumatizing them.
If you are the bottom (submissive/slave), to give consent you’ll need to know limits that feel right to you. At least for now. What actually wind up as your true limits may take years to figure out, so go SLOW.
For now, start off with tight boundaries that may change over time . . . or may stay the same. A firm collection of “not today” limits is a good place to start. Don’t let any top (dom/master/mistress) convince you that they know what you need more than you do. Make boundaries. Stick to them. Ditch anyone who dismisses them.
If you are on top, you too need limits! You are just as likely to cave to a pushy bottom as a bottom is to cave to a pushy top. Decide your limits and stick to them. Safer for you. Safer for others.
Over time, you may find that your boundaries transform through experience. Some partners open you up to things you didn’t realize you’d love. Take time to experience your own journey.
Negotiate Informed Consent
Negotiating in BDSM is about creating a set of rules to play by. This allows people to know what they’re consenting to – and understand any risks involved. In order to create the rules, all parties have to have a meeting of the minds on what kinds of things will happen. They need to talk about their boundaries (see above). They have to let each other know what they are eager to try.
Before you do your wild thing, both/all partners should explicitly agree (out loud or in writing) to the TYPE of thing they’ll do. For one example, if it will involve pain, partners must include talking about where on the body it’s preferred, which parts are off-limits, and how they will signal if they need to stop or take a break.
Many players create a written list of rules with their partners. They may revisit them when they want to add, delete, or modify something. A written list can be as short as one page or be the size of a manual.
Two general rules: 1) the more intense the scene, the more you’ll need to talk things out. 2) The newer the player and the newer the relationship, the more you’ll need to talk things out.
More on informed consent
Have all players given accurate information about themselves? For example, it’s not uncommon for people to misrepresent their relationship status. Alas, this kind of betrayal may turn play partners into unwitting accomplices in their cheating.
Has the top exaggerated their skills or experience? Misrepresentation removes the “informed” part from informed consent. It is a consent violation. It tricks their partner into an experience they may have turned down if they knew the whole truth. The lie takes away the bottom’s ability to manage their own safety.
Create Safety Protocols
Revocable consent means that you can get out of anything that hits you in a bad way. That could be words, it could be a toy, it could be an experience.
If you’re doing a scene with an element of consensual non-consent (one where someone can beg you to stop and you won’t), one important way we mitigate the risks is by using safewords. They are essential tools for a consensual non-consent scene -a scene where a person can say “stop” without meaning stop. (If stop means stop, you don’t need a safeword) As a quick safety mechanism, they are also enjoyed by experienced couples as an excellent way to call for a time-out without breaking out of role.
Safewords alone are still not enough to prevent accidents. For one example, if someone is tying you up incorrectly, and putting you at risk of a strained muscle (or restriction in oxygen), telling them to stop won’t help unless they can then immediately spring you from bondage.
Whatever tool you may use, make sure safety protocols are in place if something goes wrong so that you can unlock, release, unhood, etc., a person in distress. Don’t bottom to someone who can’t get you out of a tricky spot and don’t top someone who thinks it’s cool not to use their safeword.
Share Relevant Health History
BDSM can be a matter of life and death if you don’t reveal your underlying health issues to a partner. Hypoglycemia, high blood pressure, drug-taking, herpes — no matter what you may be dealing with, the person you play with needs to know if you are at risk.
We have seen some tragedies in BDSM where people conceal their health status from partners, whether from shame or a fear of not getting the experience they crave.
Just remember this: if someone (bottom/top or something else) has a condition that can be triggered or aggravated by something, or is a communicable disease, they need to tell their partner.
It goes to the heart of consent. By lying about one’s health status, one is manipulating their partner into a scene they might not consent to if they had all the information. This exposes BDSMers to risks they never consented to, whether it’s catching herpes or fatal accidents.
As a general rule – if you’re not telling someone something because you feel like they wouldn’t play with you if you did, then you’re violating their right to give informed consent.
Be Transparent With Trauma
It’s important to recognize that BDSM can easily trigger previous traumas. This can leave the other partner in an uncomfortable position. If you’ve had significant traumas in your life (sexual or otherwise), and suspect some trauma could be triggered by certain acts, words, or fetishes, it is your ethical responsibility to let your partner know.
If it’s a sub/bottom with trauma, telling your top/dom will help them to protect you by avoiding specific triggers. If you’re a top/dom with trauma, you owe it to the sub/bottom to let them know what kind of protocols you want to set to avoid revisiting your own bad memories.
To sum up
- Set boundaries
- Negotiate informed consent
- Create safety protocols
- Share relevant health history
- Be transparent with trauma
Protecting each other’s interests during play is what the best BDSMers do best. This is how we do it.
