Have you ever wondered what people mean when they say “too much sex,” “too much porn,” or “not enough sex (or porn)?” What does a balanced sex life look like?
Common sense suggests that what is “too much” for some people could be just enough for one partner or too little for another one. There is NO scientific evidence that a lot of sex can harm you if it is sex you enjoy with people you enjoy. There is, however, tons of proof that an active sex life can improve your health, and your mental and physical health, and contributes to human longevity.
People get judged and shamed for wanting more than the “average” person on the Internet. That’s because most of us never learned that sexual diversity is normal, not only when it comes to BDSM or gay/lesbian sex, but equally among binary heteronormative folks whose desire for frequency or creative variations may not match.
If adults were given adequate sex ed at every stage of adult life, they might come to realize that the art of having a truly satisfying sex life is about finding a solid balance between your sexual needs and your non-sexual realities. If you’re partnered, that means also finding a balance between your needs and realities and theirs.
How Does One Balance Sex With the Rest of Life?
A good balance is not about how many times you have sex, what kinds of sex you enjoy, or who you partner with. It’s about whether the expression of your sexual nature is a smoothly-functioning part of a satisfying life. Sexually balanced people tend to see sex as a positive force, something that brings joy to them and causes no harm, to themselves or others.
In a balanced sex life, you consciously choose to make space for both sexual pleasure and the life you lead outside the bedroom (or dungeon or club). So it’s about consciously building a life that integrates your sexuality and real-world life into a happy whole.
In my clinical experience, the ones who suffer the most are the ones who are out of balance. They fear sex. They make decisions that don’t fit with their core values. Many are trapped by guilt, shame, their own bad choices, or their compulsive behaviors. They come from a place of sexual disempowerment and set unrealistic rules around sex.
Sexual balance, on the other hand, is a place of personal power.
To Create a Balanced Sex Life, Know Thy Sexual Self
When it comes to sex, are you being true to yourself? Are you getting the type or frequency of intimacy that you crave? Do you know what you like in bed? Do you know how to please your partner and give them what they like?
If you are constantly having BDSM fantasies, do you have a good outlet for them? Can you get relief for your fetish needs? Do you need more oral or anal stimulation and feel afraid to admit it? If someone asks you about your biggest turn-ons, do you feel comfortable telling them the truth? These are more important questions than how often you do it: how much of what you need in bed do you get?
The biggest red flag that your sex life is unbalanced is when you have inner conflicts about your desires. It can make you ambivalent about your real desires, and make your sexual longings feel like a burden. Another red flag is when it feels like a constant struggle to keep up with the non-sexual parts of your life, from your relationships to your work life. Even your spiritual life may be tested.
A lack of balance can sabotage your whole life. It can make you obsessive, impulsive, and anxious. It can diminish the pleasure you find in ordinary engagements, like socializing, getting some exercise, or traveling.
The first step towards building a balanced life is to set boundaries that are based on who you are and what kind of a life you wish to have. And, sexually speaking, that requires setting new, self-forgiving rules, on your sexual adventures.
Ponder the following questions. You might find inspiration for some life-improving boundaries.
Are You Sexually Conscious?
Read these questions. Mull them over. Answer yes or no.
- Does sex routinely interfere with your adult responsibilities and make you chronically late to work, behind on bills, or otherwise make it hard to keep your life in reasonably good shape?
- Do you spend more hours at home browsing sex sites than you spend with your partner(s) or kids?
- Do you prioritize sex over sleep, eating, and staying fit?
- Do you binge on sex, porn, or masturbation — and then feel so much shame about it, that you purge and go cold turkey for a while?
- Do you regularly have sex with people you don’t fully trust or desire — or who you later regret being with at all?
What Your Answers Could Say About You
Given that every single one of us is a little different from everyone else, it’s possible you just need to hold the above questions and think them through before leaping to conclusions.
Also, don’t worry if you occasionally fall into periods where you cancel other plans or avoid work to have sex (whether solo or partnered). It could be a “honeymoon” phase in a relationship when your hormones are going wild. It could also be stress, even depression, driving you. Humans do use sex to escape problems and get the feel-good chemicals pumping. It’s normal.
Generally speaking, if you answered yes to any one of the above questions, you may be struggling to reconcile the part of you that wants to do what’s healthy for you and the part of you that seems helpless to stop your sexual urges. You may be acting on whims and compulsions, not on what’s best for you as a complete person.
If you answered yes to several of the above questions, though, your inner life is seriously out of balance. Your priorities are skewed. That causes you even more stress, which can send you spiraling down into a rabbit hole of bad choices and compulsive behaviors.
The more dysfunctional your sex life, the more your brain overloads you with negativity — about your partners, your self-worth, and your life. Your brain knows when you violate your own moral beliefs and yield to self-destructive impulses. If so, you probably will need help to set your life right.
Sexual Balance is one of the Keys to Inner Peace
When you have a functional, balanced sex life, one that’s in harmony with the rest of your life, you can feel the balance. It centers you. You feel a sense of inner peace. There’s that spring in your step that comes from satisfying sex. And meanwhile, the rest of your life is humming along. That leads to a beautiful mix of tranquility and liveliness.
If you’re not feeling that, do keep in mind that I’ve been helping people create balance in their lives for the last twenty-five years. Is it your turn next? Contact me and let’s find the best balance for you.
