There are many reasons why adults struggle to keep their sex lives active. Anyone may see a decline in sexual urges when they age, but there are other obstacles. Medications, STIs, and functional issues also cast a chill on intimacy. Perhaps the most common reason cis-men withdraw from sex is because of ED (Erectile Dysfunction). If that happens, they fear that things won’t work right and avoid sex.
I’ve worked with hundreds of men on restoring their function and their confidence that they can satisfy a partner even with ED.
Physical intimacy — even when either or both parties cannot or do not wish to engage in penetrative sex — is still important. I can’t stress that enough.
We certainly learned during COVID-19 that the inability to hug and kiss people we love during isolation resulted in a massive surge of depression and anxiety. That’s because physical intimacy is an ingrained need in the human psyche. (Read about the science behind this in “The Importance of Touch” to get a deeper understanding of why even non-romantic kissing, hugging, and hand-holding play vital roles in promoting human happiness and a healthy brain.)
You CAN still have a sexy life — if you reimagine sexual intimacy!
Intimacy Does Not Equal Intercourse
As much pleasure as penetration may bring, physical intimacy is about far more than “doing it.” A loving touch is, in itself, an elixir that brings joy. When I work with cis-men on restoring their ability to penetrate, I also ask them to help themselves get back into form by still engaging in physical intimacy with their partners.
Four things can often happen when men withdraw from intimate encounters.
- Developing new shame or guilt for leaving their partners high and dry
- Seeing themselves as failures and getting emotional trauma around that
- Becoming intimacy-avoidant
- Forming new inhibitions and feeling awkward about restarting their sex lives.
If you’ve been waiting till you feel confident you can give someone a pounding, you may be devastated to realize it’s tougher than expected to get everything back to the way it was. You’ve just spent weeks or months without intimacy. You and your partner may have adapted to a non-sexual routine and lost the spontaneity you had when you first got together.
Most disappointingly, you may still carry the fear and trauma of seeing yourself fail — which can make you fail again.
Try These Super-Safe-Sex Types of Intimacy
Here are three tips for people with ED to get the mojo back without the anxiety of failing.
Sensuality Keeps Us Sexually Awake
Sensuality serves a proven purpose in our emotional lives. It awakens the body to pleasure. It makes the brain flush your veins with “happy” hormones and chemicals. It lowers inhibitions. And the best part is that you can begin and end with sensuality — or make it the main course.
Sensuality may lead to an urge to have an orgasm; it relaxes us in body and mind; and it takes penetration off the table and gives us space to savor eroticism. Kissing, caressing, and masturbating together allow us to stay in the game and feel physically and spiritually connected.
Outercourse Is Hot
As opposed to intercourse, outercourse is about the fun you can have simulating sex but with your pants on. You may call it humping or grinding, as we did in high school when it was new and arousing.
For a lot of adults, outercourse can be as enjoyable as intercourse and can bring one or both partners to orgasm. There is a certain delicious appeal to rubbing crotches together. Some women enjoy it because the friction is directed right to the clitoris. If you feel anxious about removing your pants, you can relax now. You don’t need a stiff erection to please your partner if your hip action is decent.
Consider that “scissoring” for bi and lesbian women is all about grinding their genitals together to orgasm. In hetero couplings, you can get the same results from missionary position or side by side outercourse — plus there are the added pleasures of deep kissing, breast and tush fondling, and other hot touches you’d like to incorporate.
Explore Your Sexual Options
Ready to try something new? Here are my top three recommendations to get your lover off while you enjoy watching them respond to your devilish creativity.
— Do you have hands and a mouth? Men frequently behave as if sex is all about the penis, for themselves and their partners. In reality, digital and oral stimulation can be as good or better for many people. Add a Hitachi wand to the mix and watch their passions explode. Offering to make them cum even when you can’t is itself an act of love.
— Try a penis sheath, a handy device you wear over your penis that will allow you to penetrate and pleasure them as long as you want! You may not feel stimulated by it but your partner definitely will. It’s also very good for you to keep those hips moving and spry until the day you can tear off the sheath and do it naturally.
— Get a harness with a bonus. It’s unisex! ( Make sure the waist size will fit you both so you don’t waste money on an unusable toy.) This means you can do them front or rear and they can peg you with the same toy. (Just clean it between uses, especially if you switch between partners. If your partner is female ALWAYS clean the toy thoroughly before going back to front.)
No Shame, Just New Fun
The penis just a part of the body and, like the rest of your body, there are going to be times when it may not work the way you wish.
The above tips are almost guaranteed to restore passion and amplify intimacy. Instead of curling up in shame, cuddle up to your darling and let the bonding begin. It’s healthy for you and for them and keeps the sex chemistry flowing through good times and bad.
I specialize in psychological (psychogenic) ED. I’ve helped hundreds of men restore their function and enjoy intimacy again. I’m working on a course to remedy ED right now. Can I help you? Email me, and let’s talk.
Photo credit Yohann Libot@Unsplash
