BDSM Comes From Within
In BDSM, what’s the difference between learning about toys, techniques, and protocols – versus connecting with your own inner dominance?
The former is performative — learning how to do things safely, perhaps becoming expert with a particular toy or bondage style, and techniques to keep it all safe and self-regulated. The latter is organic/authentic — feeling the power within and directing that energy towards mutual pleasure.
Below you’ll find six exercises you can do in the privacy of your home to cultivate your dominant energy. These exercises will help you unleash your inner dominance.
1 – Connect with Your Memories
List 2 or more memories of when you were in charge of something. Were you picked to be a leader of something? Did you naturally take charge of people or a situation? How did you feel about being in charge? Was it soothing? Satisfying? An ego-boost? Something else? Create a list with notes that cover each of the memories. Put it aside for a day or more, then come back to it and reread your list and notes carefully.
Now ask yourself another question: did being in charge feel good? If you can answer yes — that it felt natural or satisfying to you — that will be your first clue to your potential dominant energy. Accept and embrace any positivity you feel about your leadership in the past. Remembering your emotional experience of leadership opens neural pathways to the dominance you can express through BDSM.
2 – Create A Vision Based on Your Desires
What are some of the settings, fetishes, or kinks you have fantasized about? Make a list of 1 to 10 things, then rate them in terms of “definitely need/want” to “curious about and would like to try.” The things you definitely want should be rated from 1 to 5; the things you think you might enjoy are 6 to 10. Organize them so your top 5 priorities (numbers 1-5) are at the top of the list.
Take the time to reflect on your 5 priorities. Shut out the outside world, and immerse yourself in those fantasies. Do they arouse you? Imagine doing the first one. What would you say? What would you be wearing? How do you think you’d feel?
Imagine how you’d feel being in charge in a sexual setting with a submissive. Create scenarios in your mind of how it might play out. Then repeat with the remaining 5 items on your list.
Build Your Style
The word “dominant” in BDSM means different things to different people. To some, it means “caretaker and protector,” to others “confident leader”, and to others, it means “total control.” The definition of dominant self-expression is wide open. But which type are you?
Your feelings about these things may change over time, but to feel like “an authentic dominant,” begin by defining your dominance. This means knowing what turns you on and what turns you off. Set your turn-offs as your boundaries (limits), so you know when to say no to yourself.
Do Your Research
PornHub and other explicit porn sites don’t count as research into what and how real people do BDSM, without directors or producers to guide them. Instead, turn to educators online. If you’re a reader, by all means, read several books.
If you can, make sure they offer advice on the SPECIFIC THINGS you want. Let your top 5 priorities guide you. Are you tantalized by tying people up? Have a fetish you want to explore? Want to learn about sensual domination?
Whatever your faves, DO THE RESEARCH. Your goal is to compare different styles and approaches so that you can incorporate the parts that resonate the most with you. While researching, do self-checks: “Is this something I want to do? Would I be good at it? What skills do I need to make it a perfect experience?”
3 – Borrow From People You Admire
As you surf to see how other people do it, make sure to jot down or make mental notes about people who are doing things you want to do. Study how they hold themselves, the language that they use, and how they treat the sub they’re playing with.
Different doms handle all of the above in sometimes radically different ways. What part of their dominance appeals to you? Which words resonate with you? Practice or simulate the things that turn you on in front of a mirror and do a self-assessment. This is your dominant persona: how is it different from your daily self?
Tip: Never try to emulate people because you think they are experts. There is no one right way to do BDSM. BDSM emanates from your unique sexual imagination, so focus on your energies and responses to the people you watch and how you might do things a little differently.
4 – Connect Your Inner Dominance to Your Outward Choice of Gear
Once you’ve done all of the above, it’s time to think about investing some cash in the outfits and toys you will be using with a submissive partner. Before you use any gear on someone else, you should have a clear idea of the impact — emotionally and physically — that your outfit and your toys will have on someone else. Don’t spend a fortune (yet!) on gear. First focus on things that inspire you or turn you on.
So, for example, if you’re keenly interested in spanking, pick a toy that is perfect for that pleasure. It can be a store-bought paddle or a common item in your house (such as a wooden spoon or a ping-pong racket). If you love leather, rubber, and other fetishistic garments, start surfing the Internet.
Before you spend money, be sure it’s something you will use. Don’t make the amateur mistake of starting out by dropping a bundle of cash! Wait until you are confident your toys/garments will be used. It’s pathetic to see people blow thousands on a leather gimp suit that no one but an inflatable doll will ever wear (unless, of course, you have a fetish for said doll).
Build your collection slowly. If you make the kink journey, you will be delighted by the incredible shopping opportunities you’ll have at big kink events for all kinds of creative clothing and gear that align with your interests.
Look in the Mirror
Go to a mirror — full-length if you have one — and watch yourself hold up a toy of your choice. How does having the toy in your hand feel?
— Do you feel more powerful holding it? If you don’t, try another toy and see if it makes you feel spicy and strong.
— Do you look natural holding it? Hold it up as if about to use it. Stare at yourself for a long moment. Keep your back straight and your head high. Now, imagine a sub seeing you in this posture. Will it make them want to kneel?
— Move the toy around in your hand. Does it feel awkward? If so, it’s time to practice using it even if it’s only on a pillow. Practice with it until you feel confident that you can wield it. This applies to rope/bondage equipment, whips and crops, clamps, and other toys. Build your skills!
Your goal is to experience a natural synergy between yourself and the toy(s). Keep monitoring yourself in the mirror until the toy or gear looks/feels like an extension of yourself.
Experiment on Yourself
Before you use a toy on someone else, try it on yourself. Your goal is not to love the sensation but to MEASURE its effects on the skin and the body. You will notice, for example, that if you use a thick, hardwood paddle, its blow will hurt like hell if you use it hard. If you choose a flogger, you’ll find that although it’s painful when swung hard, you can also use it gently so the lashes feel create a wonderfully sensual sensation. Do NOT rush to pain. Give yourself time to gradually build sensation.
Running through such experiments before using toys on someone else is valuable. It will help you to viscerally understand the types of sensations you can give someone else, from mild to intense. It will help your brain grow accustomed to the use of the toy, including a growing knowledge of what types of sensations a human body can enjoy nearly pain-free and which produce a memorably intense “ouch!”
Finally, it awakens you to the reality that the subs you will be playing with are not interchangeable objects but sensate human beings who may jump, writhe, groan, or scream a safe-word! Knowing how it felt on your own body may help you regulate how you use the toy on someone else, (but also remember that every body is different). Little by little, the power you’re holding in your hand will come more fully under your control as you gain experience in the nuances of sensation play.
5 – Work With Your Intelligence, Not Your Impulses
One day, if you’ve had enough experience, you will confidently follow impulses because you have built trust in your ability to safely regulate yourself. You will know how to mitigate the risks of emotional and physical harm to a partner. But, for now, consider yourself a work-in-progress.
The final step before acting out fantasies with others is a long internal dialogue with yourself to be sure you are ready to find the sub of your desires in REALITY. Are you confident without being arrogant? Calm but caring? Aware of safe boundaries (yours and theirs) and neither frustrated nor hamstrung by mutual limits? Proud, yet honorable, even humble at times? Ready to put yourself out there with a passion for where the journey can take you?
Self-Control is Mandatory
Before you can safely dominate someone else, work on bringing your self-control skills to a higher level. If you can’t say no to either your own desires or to other people, you aren’t ready to take control of anyone. In other words, learn to control yourself before you take control of another.
The absolute worst doms are the ones with quick tempers, fragile egos, and selfish attitudes. The best doms are calm, confident, and forgiving. If you have trouble with these psychological skills, make friends with meditation, prayer, and other inner-strength practices that will help you relax, let go of your ego, and strengthen your focus.
Learning to focus on the thing you are doing to someone is vital to mutual safety! If you get so caught up in giving someone a whipping that you ignore their reactions or — heaven forbid — violate their safe word, you are not ready to be a dom.
Self-control is a non-negotiable attribute of ethical domination and protects both sub AND dom from making dangerous mistakes. Should a sub ask you to do something you believe is dangerous, you must make the safest choice for both of you. This means saying no at times. Good! That means you fully accept responsibility for keeping things safe, which is a dominant’s duty to subs.
6 – Your Inner Dominance is Unique
KNOW THYSELF. Don’t pretend to be an expert when you’re a newbie, and don’t act as if you don’t know the rules of BDSM (explicit mutual consent above all) if you’re experienced. Base your dominance on the person inside you and aim to be the best version of your dominant self. Doms and subs are not widgets. We are diverse to the core. Self-definition is a mandatory and constantly evolving part of the process.
Here are some more questions to ponder. Are you playful? Are you serious? Maybe a combination of the two? Would you rather play with a bottom (someone who takes the submissive role only during a play experience), a submissive (someone who always plays the submissive role with you but may step outside of the role at other times), or a slave (someone who is committed to 24/7 full obedience to you)?
Perhaps you are versatile and will adapt to different styles of play with different kinds of partners. Think you’d enjoy switching? What’s your gender and sexual orientation? Are you a monogamist, a polyamorist, or a hedonist who wants free-range experiences with BDSM?
Lots to consider, eh? But that’s what great doms do! They work on their inner life.
Please don’t jump into a narrow box or pick a label that you must struggle to maintain. Keep defining and redefining yourself organically, and continue asking yourself questions about your style and limits. Real-life experience will guide you to higher states of self-awareness.
Take the Time to Discover Your Inner Dominance
KEEP IT REAL. Labels don’t define you. You define yourself. Get comfortable with your own personal expression of dominance. It’s the deep self-work all the best doms out there do.
Your kink journey will last a lifetime if you keep evolving. Be kind to yourself and thoughtful with your partners. Get used to a lot of self-questioning and self-honesty to keep your humanity in the right balance with your BDSM identity.
