No, the secret to great sex isn’t isn’t some technique. Nor is it a specific act.
I see people seeking the Holy Grail in the form of new acts, new techniques, and quick solutions to their dissatisfaction with their sex lives. Great sex is not about any of those things. Instead, great sex is about your emotional experience of sex. And that depends on your mind — both conscious and unconscious — receiving positive feedback from your body and psychology about the sex you have.
From all that I’ve studied and all that I’ve learned, great sex has four distinct components: it’s ethical, it’s safe, it feels good when you’re having it, and it leaves you fully satisfied with the experience you just had.
Let’s break down the four components.
Great Sex is Ethical
Ethical sex is not a dry formula that someone else dictates to you. For example, someone may have told you it’s bad to submit to or dominate another or that certain acts are perverted or aberrant. From anal to porn, fetishes to power relationships, you can count on there being people or groups of people who frown on any deviations from the so-called norm.
Your body and mind don’t feel that way. Ignore the “morality police” who want to tell you what should or should not fulfill you. They don’t live in your body and should not be renting space in your head.
Sex is a personal journey into self-knowledge. At its best, may also take you on a journey into your partner’s mind and body. For that to happen, it must feel ethical to YOU, and not because you feel pressured to conform to other people’s dictates.
Ethical sex means you genuinely feel you’re with the right person, at the right time, and under the right circumstances. It also means you are unified in your commitment to two basics:
Enthusiastic Consent
You both long to have sex together. Whether that longing is for BDSM, swinging, conventional sex, or any other variations, the style of sex that brings you the greatest pleasure isn’t important to your biology. What matters is that the adults involved are excited by doing the thing, whatever it may be, together. Your brain needs that affirmation.
When you’re giving enthusiastic consent, it means you both understand what you will be doing, you are aware of all the risks (note: even intercourse can be risky depending on how and where you do it, and with whom), and you agree to take those risks,
Communication
You are equally committed to communicating about sex. That includes stating preferences, being honest about things you don’t like or want, and being clear about what all parties hope to experience through intimacy. Got an STI? Inform your partner before you get intimate. Have previous trauma? Let them know before they hit a trigger. Experiencing health issues that may impact the fun? TELL THEM.
Great Sex is Psychologically Safe
You’ve undoubtedly heard that “safe sex” is about reducing the transmission of STIs by the use of barrier methods (condoms, dental dams, etc.).
I’m using it here to address psychological safety. We need to talk more and teach more about it. Psychologically safe sex means, first of all, that you TRUST the person you’re having sex with. You feel you can trust them not to harm you, not to hurt your feelings, not to make you feel undesirable or unworthy in any way, not to transmit a preventable disease. Here are some examples of what I consider to be psychologically unsafe:
- When your partner makes you feel that your body isn’t good enough for them, whether the partner is saying something is too big or something is too small, that can be a knife to the heart for you.
- If your partner doesn’t seem to care about how you feel in bed — or even whether you are deriving pleasure from sex — your self-esteem goes down.
- Any partner who diminishes you or mocks you for not responding as they believe you should destroys your confidence that you are desirable.
Great Sex Feels Right
Great sex makes you feel that everything is going well. You and your partner are on the same page, you are both having a great time, and you both made good choices. You may feel this in your gut, whose second brain may know more about that feeling than the one in your noggin.
Listen to your gut — your instincts will give you the right answer. Does it all feel right? Or is something bothering you? You can’t have “great sex” if your internal sensing mechanisms are in doubt.
Great Sex Fully Satisfies You
Personal fulfillment varies widely. For some, sex does not mean orgasm. For others, it must include orgasm. Some crave passion, while others are happy just to have the opportunity for pleasure and relief. And then, some people may never achieve the same high that you do but still love doing it for their own reasons.
What matters here is that you feel complete after the act. You cannot always determine if your partner will feel as satisfied, and there is no point in trying to force the situation or keep going until they or you collapse in exhaustion.
If the communication is good, you can discuss it afterward to see if there is something more or different that could help your partner(s) achieve the same degree of satisfaction you felt. Just don’t expect them to mirror you: they may be looking for something a little different.
Great Sex is About Your Perceptions of a Sexual Experience
“Sex is experiential” is a mantra I frequently repeat with clients. This means simply that you have to experience sex to understand yourself, in body and mind. Sex teaches you what works and what doesn’t.
To do that, you have to be open to the experience of fully inhabiting your body. You can’t think your way to great sex; you can’t just fuck around and find out, either. It must be a combination of good choices (a safe and sexually generous partner is ideal), and your emotional relationship with sex.
So what are those four keys again? Ethical, safe, feels good, and leaves you satisfied. Aim for improvement in these four areas and your sex life will be great!
