The Best Type of Dom
The dom you want to be is the one who creates trust. Trust is what allows the best scenes to happen.
One of the biggest mistakes kinksters make is by jumping into action with toys and gear. They don’t realize that building the psychological and emotional space is what allows the true erotic magic of BDSM to spring free. That space requires trust. Trust allows your partner to surrender. Trust reassures them that you care about them as a human being. That they’re not just an object for you to beat on.
TIP: Beware of subs who either won’t tell you what they want or who tell you they’ll do anything for you. Those should be bright red flags to new doms (all doms, really) that they’re not able to give informed consent.
If they can’t say “no”, they can’t say “yes”.
How Do You Become Great? EVOLVE
Even when dominance feels natural to you, making the transition from “I want to dom” to actually owning your dom space takes soul-searching.
It has nothing to do with how many slaves a person has had or how long they’ve been in the lifestyle. I know doms who never evolved after 30 years of whipping ass, just as I’ve met technically inexperienced newbies who absorb everything and work it hard.
The skills you need to build to become a great dom require great self-reflection.
Questions to reflect on
- Do you have an ethical foundation for your dominance, i.e., are you focused on mutual consent?
- Are you strong enough to accept criticism and honest feedback?
- Are you a good role model to a sub — fair-minded, uninhibited, self-controlled?
- Are you patient?
Mindfulness and the ability not just to learn from experience but to incorporate these lessons and use them as guide stones should be a constant process. A great Dom never stops trying to be an even better one.
What Are the Qualities A Dom Should Strive For
When you cultivate the qualities that allow you to feel truly dominant, you’ll bring dominant energy to your scene. This dominant energy allows a submissive to submit themselves to you, because when they feel they can trust you to lead safely, respectfully, decisively, it gives them the freedom to surrender.
An authentic power exchange is a core reality that both people can believe in.
Whether it’s roleplay or your lifestyle, a great dom makes themselves known by the dominant energy they bring to a BDSM experience. Notice I didn’t say attitude. That’s because an attitude could also be an act, a mask of arrogance that weaklings may wear. Acting isn’t where you want to be. You want to be the real thing – secure in your dominant energy, with an attitude that flows from your energy.
Dominant energy draws off the most powerful source in a good dom’s toolbag: your own self-esteem.
Put another way, being dom means you feel dom. That you feel capable of giving someone an experience out of the ordinary, something that will keep them safe even as you blow their mind in ecstatic ways.
When your Inner Dom is strong
- You feel confident you can control your partner safely but still have emergency tools in case something goes wrong
- You respect that what you are giving them is as intense as what they are giving you
- You know your own boundaries and limits and if you push them, it’s by your deliberate choice
- You show that you respect your partner’s boundaries and limits
- You build trust through mutually satisfying encounters
- You resolve problems as they arise, directly and as swiftly as possible
- You respect your own dominant process. You permit it to evolve. You continually accept new information and fold it into your choices. You don’t cling to mistakes or burn out. You keep growing
- You feel humbled by the trust a submisssive has in you
- In a power exchange, the dom is the captain of the ship. You take responsibility for a safe voyage
What to Call Yourself
Last week, I joked about a noob who gave himself a fancy handle in a piece on narcissism in BDSM. Maybe I should’ve mentioned I also know plenty of boomers who use them too.
Here’s where BDSM is at now: your title is not important, except to you and your clique. Sorry, but it’s the 21st century. Instead of defining ourselves with handles and nicknames, what people look for today in partners (and kink communities) is authenticity, enlightenment, compassion, and respect. Did I mention honesty? Yep, we’re so perverted that most of us, deep-down, want to be connected with good and decent people. Amazing.
Call yourself what you like, but other people will define you, not by your self-appointed title, but by your character.
While doms don’t have to fit into stereotypes, their uniting characteristic is feeling good enough about themselves as human beings to know they can successfully lead a scene — with a little help from their great sub. 😉
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Amazon Hammer is about a lost girl learning to connect with her power as a professional dominatrix in NYC. Get it and read about all the outrageous scenes at L’Oubliette —
Available on Amazon in Kindle NOW https://amzn.to/3j2qFe0
It’s $9.95 for the Kindle edition
Book reviewers, contact me for a free review copy!
Groups and book clubs, I’m available to visit your next virtual meeting. Invite me!
*Print version coming soon!*
