If you’d had a big sexual trauma – rape, molestation, being forced to sell your body to survive – you’d look at that immediately if you had sexual dysfunction. But what if you didn’t have such a trauma, and yet there’s still a problem in the bedroom? Could it be a different trauma? Enter “Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction”.
That’s a technical term for when a non-sexual trauma messes with your sex life.
It’s something I often see with my clients – this truth that a trauma doesn’t have to be sexual to create a sexual dysfunction.
A deep dive into someone’s personal history may reveal traumas they didn’t realize were connected to their sexuality. For example, my client C*** had a difficult sexual dysfunction to unravel — until they revealed a horrific teenage medical experience that harmed their ability to trust people with their bodies. They’d never connected it to their sex life until we talked it through and I pointed out that such a physical trauma could indeed make them tense and squeamish in bed, even with someone they loved.
Another client, S*** was consistently berated by his father in childhood and adolescence for not being “man enough.’ Although he never made the connection until I took a complete sex history, it became clear that the negative messaging about his masculinity was enmeshed with his difficulty in having orgasms.
Trauma Binds to Sex
From repeated insults to your self-esteem to a harsh medical experience, any trauma that impacts your self-image or sense of body autonomy can hurt your sex life and relationships.
Traumas, small or major, sexual or unrelated to sex, distort our view of the world and of ourselves. They can trap us in feelings of shame and low self-esteem. And, most relevant to sex is that any trauma can make us lose trust in ourselves or our partners. Since good sex requires trust, you can see how traumas may impact your sex life.
So, first, let’s examine the differences between known sexual traumas and these seemingly unrelated traumas.
Known Sexual Trauma v. Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction
Known Sexual Trauma
Known sexual trauma is a sex trauma you remember. It isn’t hard to tie a sexual trauma to problems with intimacy. Perhaps you were victimized by a peeping tom or an involuntary exposure to sex. Or there may have been life-altering events, from unwanted sexual attention, sexual teasing, non-consensual touching, or, most devastating of all, molestation or rape.
Direct sexual trauma, naturally, takes an obvious toll on sex lives. Regardless of our age when it happened, we may carry its burden to the grave.
Of course, with something like that, you are well aware of its negative impact on relationships and sex. And that means that that awareness may prompt you to reach out for support. Talking it out with a trusted partner or in a support group may lighten the burden. Or perhaps you worked with a therapist to help you overcome dark memories.
Solid support makes a difference. It offers hope for recovery because you can get relief from telling your story to a nonjudgmental and supportive person. Also important, a good therapist can teach you strategies to overcome your struggles.
The worst-case scenario, sadly, is when you keep it a secret and feel haunted by its repercussions. The best-case scenario is that you find ways to make some peace within yourself. If you choose to consciously heal from trauma, new insights and stress-management tools can help you to achieve your potential that trauma blocked.
Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction
Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction is when a non-sexual trauma seeps into one’s sex life. You may have no idea that a non-sexual trauma could hurt your sex life. But because all trauma changes our brains, almost any trauma that leaves emotional scars can do just that.
My client R*** grew up with a cold mother who told him she wished he was never born. He remembered that it happened. In fact, he couldn’t forget it because it was so hurtful. But when he developed Erectile Dysfunction in his 40s, he searched for causes and couldn’t find them. Until we talked about his relationship with his mother. Then he began to see so many connections to his sex issues, his fears of intimacy, and his self-esteem overall.
When you can’t figure out the cause of your sex problems, you may feel you were born flawed from birth. You may never reach out for help or support. That means you may never build the tools you need to engage in truly satisfying intimacy.
As I’ve learned by working with my clients, time and again, these traumas carry many of the same burdens as known sexual trauma: shame, guilt, and emotional pain.
All Trauma Can Change Our Brains
Whether it is the kind of trauma that people often brush off or a straight-up sex crime, all trauma changes our brains. Nor can the magnitude of its emotional impact on any given individual be measured in objective terms. Think of a bee sting: it’s a minor drag to one person, a howling pain to another, and death to those who are allergic. Human diversity means that different people process trauma differently.
For example, bullying and verbal abuse are so commonplace in American life, that many people don’t realize the profound impact it may have on a child. Reports of a recent study in childhood development showed that …Shouting at Kids Can Have Lifelong Impacts – On Par With Physical or Sexual Abuse (or read the original study).
To those who shrug off common traumas or say, “I went through it and I lived, so shut up and live with it”,” that attitude is part of the problem! Indeed, you may be plagued with problems you haven’t analyzed. You may have “survived” but what price have you paid?
Deep down, all traumas leave invisible scars. Your internal narratives about who you are, what kind of treatment you deserve, and how you relate to others are distorted by terrifying events, whether it was the shock of combat, a direct sexual trauma, or a verbally abusive parent.
Recognizing Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction
When you don’t have specific memories to tie to what you feel in bed, the first step is to acknowledge your own negative feelings about sexual intimacy. Do they make sense to you? Is there anything you can tie it to, like a recent high-stress event? A betrayal? If you can’t imagine why, then it’s time to consider whether you’re carrying this sort of trauma.
Signs of Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction
Let’s look at 5 of the most common signs that trauma has impacted your sex life.
- Dissociating in bed: the mind and body are not on the same page. Even in the throes of lovemaking, your mind can’t stay focused. Sometimes you have an out-of-body experience, watching yourself be intimate while your brain is far away.
- Attachment to abusive partners: no matter how mean they are (and NOT in an SSC way!), you still crave to be with them and to have sex. Trauma has made your self-esteem so miserably low, that abuse feels like your normal, as if it’s all you deserve.
- You can’t fully relax during sex: you just can’t get into a positive place. You may be skittish about being touched, experience intercourse as painful, and be unable to get aroused or have orgasms. It feels like your body is betraying you — but more likely, it’s your subconscious telling you that you are not safe.
- Poor sexual self-esteem: you never feel good about yourself or your skills in bed. You worry that you will never be able to please your partner.
- Trust issues: as kinksters know, trust is key to a successful and satisfying BDSM experience. While we often think that being able to trust is a submissive thing, it’s just as true for doms. Trust is what allows all of us to open up and allow ourselves to be vulnerable during sex acts. You can’t be vulnerable if you don’t trust your partner — or yourself.
Unknown Trauma-Related Sexual Dysfunction Can Be Healed
Don’t blame or shame yourself if and when a sexual dysfunction arises in your life. Whether you’re 20 or 80, your life experience may have clues as to why you aren’t achieving your true potential in bed. Perhaps it’s a known sexual trauma you never sought help for. Or maybe it’s some trauma that you haven’t consciously connected to your problems today. Either way, you can make a positive change in your life by connecting the dots and learning new strategies to heal. Reach out to me if you need to start that journey.
Further Reading
Overcome Shame and Live in Your Body
Digging Up the Roots of Performance Anxiety
