To kinky people, there’s nothing grimmer than watching friends and newbies become enamored of people we don’t trust. We wonder, “Good Lord, how can people not see those flaming red flags and run??“
So let’s unpack the how and why of untrustworthy people who draw worshipful fans, acolytes, and staunch defenders, no matter how much those crimson flags wave.
Why Are Red Flags Hard to Detect?
I could write a hefty book about why people overlook flaming red flags, but for our purposes, let’s look over my VERY short list of the top BDSM ones.
Red flags turn into green lights when your lust is powerful enough
When we feel a sharp spark of chemistry with someone, when they look and act like our perfect image of a BDSMer, we close a blind eye to their flaws. Indeed, we may see their flaws as charming. Think of tops who get sucked in by duplicitous subs. Or all the noobs and thirsty bottoms who get breathless over narcissists. It’s the human condition! We’re all vulnerable to deception. Still, once lust kicks in, we get an itch we feel we must scratch.
We tend to believe what we need to believe
Once we latch hard onto someone, we look for reasons to justify why our relationship with them makes sense. It’s only human to defend our reasons, so we may tell ourselves that we are the only ones who completely understand them.
What happens then? The case we make reinforces our belief. That belief may become even stronger because now we feel special for knowing the truth others can’t see. Our need to believe “I’m right/they’re wrong” can feel more important than the red flags flying in their faces.
To each, their own red flag
Some of us love the same things that turn other people off. It’s part of the great wheel of cosmic diversity. It often depends on our life history. For example, if we were raised by authoritarian parents, arrogance and lack of empathy could be like a drug to us. Conversely, we may deliberately pick someone who is the total opposite of our parents.
Keep that in mind before warning someone to break away from someone you believe is an asshat. They might actually find that asshat intensely hot and start building rationales in their heads for why you are wrong. We may still worry about them but we should remember they are adults who have to learn from their mistakes. That’s what we did, right?
If we want to stay friends with them, we have to respect their right to choose, even when we think it’s a bad choice. If we can’t get over it, it’s best to pull away for a while — or cut ties.
MY 5 BIG FAT RED FLAGS
Knowing that everyone has different ideas about red flags, it may seem audacious for me to offer a list. So let’s just say these red flags are the ones I consider critical.
1. They Say the Right Things, But They Don’t Do Them
They’re all about honor and respect. At least verbally. Then you discover they are cheating on a primary partner, exploiting people, or stepping on people to gain power.
If you aren’t involved with them, it’s a good idea simply to avoid them. But if you fall in love with the image they project and look up to them, you may feel that the ends justify the means.
There are a million ways to rationalize why people don’t practice what they preach, and humans have a unique talent to do just that inside and outside the BDSM world!
2. They LIE
Maybe, at the beginning, you notice they lie about little things. They claim they’re well-known in the Community but somehow no one seems to know them. Or perhaps they tell you they belong to an elite club or group but they can’t prove it because it would violate their oath of secrecy. And somehow they “forgot” to mention someone else they’re involved with. You may shrug it off initially, figuring everyone likes to puff up their resume. Then, when you finally do question them, they minimize your concerns or act angry or hurt that you’d dare to doubt them.
Of all the red flags, lies are the most dangerous because not only do they erode your trust, they may leave you feeling confused, used, and abused. Especially when those lies creep up on you and you realize they’ve been manipulating you all along. Then you may feel like a fool. But the worst part is that chronic liars can put your physical safety at risk. If they lied about their skill set, you could get injured. Lying about their health status puts you at risk. They might even lie about respecting safe words and ignore yours.
Steer clear of liars: sooner or later, the truth about who they really are — and not who they tried to convince you they were — could devastate you.
3. They Have Know-How, But Not Healthy Relationships
Some people have dazzling rope skills. Or they perform whippings that make an audience gasp with delight. Their public demos are fantastic. Their boasts about all the people they’ve done are intriguing. Then you find out that none of their partners lasted for very long.
You might think that a person’s expertise with equipment means all who play with them have great experiences in private too. But being able to put on a great show in public doesn’t mean we are able to be good BDSM partners or mentors. Relationship skills, like patience, compassion, and transparency, require a completely different set of skills.
If you just want the stimulation, no problem. In a meaningful kink relationship, though, solid emotional skills are more important than how well they can throw a whip.
4. They’re Incredibly Experienced . . . With Ghosts
I wish I had a buck for every sub I’ve talked to over the years who said they have vast experience serving doms. So why did those relationships end? Oh, this one moved and fell out of touch; that one died; another one left our world and didn’t want to be contacted. When it came right down to it, there was no one who could vouch for them.
Well, it can happen. To tops and bottoms. But when there is no one who can vouch for their claims, it’s fishy. My ex-partner Will Brame used to call this phenomenon: “the incredibly experienced masters and their BDSM graveyard of submissive ghosts.”
While I understand how someone who was married or involved with only one person in a long-term relationship might not have any references, if they cannot provide a single living person who’d put in a good word for them, it’s suspicious.
Make vetting part of your process. Anyone who claims to have vast BDSM experience better have at least a few real-life friends who can back up those claims.
5. They Have a Bad BDSM History
This is arguably a red flag that should apply to all of us. Does this person have a history of nonconsensually hurting or exploiting others? Does their behavior suggest they might be potential victimizers? Whether it’s a group leader who scoops up every naive sub who comes through the door, the club leader who misuses charitable donations, or the dom who ignores safe words, their personal history matters.
In the BDSM Community, the ability to trust is the wide red dividing line between a likelihood of satisfaction and a likelihood of misery. Sure, they may talk a good game, but are they really trustworthy?
Do the leg work and find out what your trusted sources think about them. Did they fuck up but then learn from their mistakes and come back better and stronger? Great! Or are they still making the same mistakes and hurting others? Run!
Stick to Your Red Flags
It sucks to realize that someone you got all excited about may be a really bad idea. And yes, it’s certainly possible that people can grow and change and be better than their history suggests.
However, people with these 5 red flags can hurt you in ways you never imagined you’d be hurt. BDSM is deeply emotional and the pain of a bad experience is far deeper than a flesh wound.
If you’ve been hurt and need to talk about it, reach out to me for an appointment. I’ll help you overcome. Email me at gloria@gloriabrame.com
P.S. (Dis) Honorable Mention
Bonus flag! Rare, but it happened to me.
They Have Great Gear, But Only Use It as Flair
There’s only one good reason to invest in high-quality toys and gear: it turns you on to have them and makes kink more fun. I got together with an eager sub I met online who said they had experience. They brought an impressive group of whips to our session and presented them like kink credentials..
Oddly, the toys looked pristine and unused. One was super heavy-duty, which got my juices flowing. But when the action started, I discovered my friend didn’t want me to use any of the toys. They were too scary! I was just supposed to admire them and act vanilla? IDK! That was disappointing, to say the least. Better someone with no toys or used toys than someone pretending to be something they are not.
