Negotiating Change in BDSM Relationships
Sooner or later in kinky relationships, you will feel the time has come to address something that’s been bothering you about the path you’re on. Maybe you’re not getting enough BDSM play. Perhaps your partner’s attitude has changed. There may even be changes to the relationship already in motion that you’re queasy about.
You know what that means. It’s time for a hard conversation.
As tough as it can be for conventional couples to calmly work through change, power relationships add layers of complexity. Power is the thing! How do you ethically maintain the power balance during a negotiation? There are universal anxieties we all share about having a tough conversation with someone we care about. What if it ends up in a devastating fight? Your partner could interpret your need to sort out certain problems as personal criticism. These possibilities may make you worry that everything could fall apart.
If you’re a dom who believes it is your job to protect your sub’s feelings, you may not want to rattle their cage. Conversely, I’ve worked with many, many subs who fear that asking the dom to accommodate new needs is disloyal.
Such fears lead to people simply not dealing with it! We avoid *that* conversation altogether and let things stew inside. This is a huge mistake, particularly in kink, where clarity and team effort are signs of a healthy relationship.
Never assume that your original contract was written in stone. It’s an unrealistic expectation. The only way you can improve a power relationship and get more of what you need as you grow older (and wiser, one hopes) is by speaking your truth and renegotiating mutual boundaries.
Power Dynamics and Confronting Relationship Problems
As often happens in relationships, we all worry about the proverbial “upsetting the applecart.” No matter if it’s got some rotten apples that need rooting out, we can easily become complacent, and rationalize that the misery we know is better than a new type of misery.
Yet, wherever a power exchange exists, there will likely be moments where the power dynamic shifts. You may feel you should have certain rights with your partner but life’s circumstances mitigate your ability to act on those rights. For example, if a top gets sick, they may not be able to be fully in charge, and the bottom may have to make decisions that would otherwise belong to the dominant. Similarly, if a bottom becomes ill, doms may find themselves picking up the chores that the sub normally handles. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Bottom line: as life changes, so must power relationships. If you’re having trouble starting that conversation, it’s time to get back to some basics.
Check out 5 BDSM Consent Skills to get started.
How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations With Confidence
The most successful kink relationships are the ones that can adapt to change. The secret sauce in managing change is having the conversations that matter before things build to a breaking point. Frequent dialogue about the little things that bother one or both of you is important. So too are frequent reviews of boundaries and expectations.
Use my tips below to get started.
Prep Yourself for a Deep Talk
Prepping means that you bring an emotional toolkit with you to work on your relationships. This four-point guide will keep you on an even keel.
1. Pack An Emotional Tool Kit
Sobriety – never have a serious conversation when you’re high or exhausted. You need your wits about you so you can say what you mean to say and listen with your heart and mind.
Well-Being – The better you feel the more mental energy you will have. If you are physically run down, you won’t have the right mental energy to engage with an open heart. It’s better to wait an extra day than to dive into a talk already feeling vulnerable, whether from lack of sleep, PMS, a headache, a hangover, illness, or anything else that interferes with your mood.
Conviction – Start the conversation by acknowledging that it is crucial to the longevity and health of the relationship. Make sure your partner understands that you believe making change is the way to protect both sides’ interests. Let them know that this is key to you both aligning your needs today and in the future.
Kindness – Did you know that raising your voice, insulting your partner, or making sarcastic remarks achieve NOTHING? Well, maybe not nothing (as any divorce lawyer can attest), but certainly nothing good! Respect the value of what you are doing. Don’t degrade it with petty arguments. This is a conversation in which two consenting adults are trying to achieve something wonderful: a new level of understanding and emotional intimacy. None of that is possible if you get aggressive or demeaning. So stay positive, stay calm, and be kind!
2. Set One Goal
Go in with ONE GOAL: to work out one specific thing. Focus on that. Don’t bring all the old baggage, don’t create a litany of complaints, and don’t set unrealistic relationship goals. Focus on the single most important change you want to see. If you have multiple changes, then parse them out over a period of time and a series of conversations.
Try these to help you stay on track.
Don’t say “I need to talk to you,” say “I’d like us to talk about *a specific topic*
Don’t say, “I know how you’ll feel,” say “I’d like to know how you feel about *a specific topic*
Don’t say, “I don’t really know how to put this.” Wait until you do know how to put it! Start the conversation when you have a clear idea about the specific change you’d like to see.
3. Make Your Point and Stick To It
See above. Pick your battle. Know what you need to say before you say it. Then stick to that point until you know you have been fully heard and understood.
Sometimes a partner will try to deflect to change the topic. Be patient. They’re nervous too!
Don’t forget that your partner may have a completely different version of the truth in their head. It will take effort for them to be able to see your point, and during that time they may act skittish. Their fear does not negate the importance of re-negotiating the terms of your relationship.
Negotiation is not a magic bullet, it’s a process. The success of that process depends on a wide range of variables. It’s possible you may both agree this is a necessary conversation but it’s just as possible they receive your thoughts with anxiety, even hostility. That doesn’t mean they can’t change. It means they may need time to make the change.
If you manipulate or bully someone into making change for your sake, you’re going in the wrong direction. Instead, frame your point in different ways until they understand the value of doing this as a team. Think of it as a quest, and expect the unexpected. Always keep in mind that the other human in this dynamic may push back because they’re fearful of change. So juice up the warmth, remind them how much this relationship means to you, and — most importantly — let them express themselves and LISTEN to their concerns.
4. Negotiate
Stop speaking from your role and speak from your heart. This is someone you genuinely care about and your goal is to get your relationship on a healthier path, a path that aligns with your current realities.
If you never negotiated boundaries and expectations, you are long overdue for that conversation. Did you learn as you evolved that you need new kinds of fetish or play scenes? Have you discovered that you are poly? Or trans/nonbinary? Perhaps you’d like to add someone (or subtract someone) from your kinky household. Get out your negotiation hat. The time to talk is NOW. Do not present them with a fait accompli, and leave them to cope with it alone. That is a sign that you don’t respect them enough to listen to their point of view before you make a big change. If you genuinely don’t care how they receive your needs, or they don’t care how you feel, you should not be in that relationship at all.
Do you know who wins a negotiation when one side is unhappy? Nobody. That’s right. It’s a lose/lose situation. A successful long-term power dynamic depends on your ability to have those hard conversations. So keep negotiating, find a compromise all parties can believe in, and respect the process!
How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations and Thrive
That first big conversation will lead to other ones throughout your lives together. The power of nonjudgmental and forward-looking conversations helps you both mature in the relationship. That deepens the bond between you because now you are growing together, not apart!
So, if there’s a conversation you need to have, don’t avoid it. Use my guide to navigate tough talks. Your ability to renegotiate terms when necessary will help your relationship thrive.
Finally, a word to the wise: if your partner will not renegotiate terms, it’s time either to see a therapist or end the relationship. Remember that people naturally evolve. Ultimately, their relationships will either mirror those personal evolutions or perish.
