After reports of loathsome behavior that shook many different sex-positive communities, Armie Hammer is finally getting help. Read more about his issues in Fetish is Not the Problem: Armie Hammer Is.
There are lessons every human — not just kinky people — can learn from the story of how a wealthy actor went from unimaginable privilege to public disgrace. What made the story especially frustrating to Kink and Fetish people was his assumption that emotional abuse and violent threats against women were “normal” for BDSM/fetish people.
Learn from the two biggest mistakes he made.
- He used booze and drugs to self-medicate mental health issues.
Partying is fine UNLESS — you use it as a coping mechanism to get through life. People who use drugs or booze to drown out their inner conflicts so they can pretend to be happy are at high risk of becoming addicts. They quickly grow dependent on the highs that help them escape the inner conflicts and despair. They stop hearing themselves and go into denial about the things they said or did. They blame it on the drugs but don’t accept responsibility for taking them. Over time, they need more and more to get the same highs. At that point, their ability to distinguish what is real from their delusions declines. They become walking powder kegs of emotional unwellness.
Take away: SELF-MEDICATING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES DOES NOT WORK
When you use drugs or alcohol to avoid dealing with inner turmoil, that turmoil never heals. It ferments. You end up with even more problems.
Mental health matters in BDSM precisely because we do a lot of mind-play, rough play, extreme sensation, and other things that require calm and careful execution. If you are struggling, please take advantage of the options out there that can help you get to a better place. Join a support group. Get a therapist. Talk to an M.D. about treatment options. Slow down your life and invest the time in healing yourself.
2. He never learned that BDSM requires Informed Consent
Hammer’s rationalization that abusing people was the same as BDSM was just as self-destructive as ignoring his emotional health. All adult sex, whether kinky or not, is about two (or more) people getting together for a good time that brings joy, affirmation, intimacy. Hammer made his partners feel sad, worthless, alienated. Then he called it BDSM, which proved he wasn’t just a predator, he was a dumb-ass too.
Take away: There is a HUGE difference between BDSM and abuse
Consent can be complicated but, at a minimum, it means that partners are acting in good faith that the result for all involved will be satisfaction, whether emotional, physical, or both. If you don’t care about how your partner feels, you are a user. If you bully or bullshit them into cooperating, you’re an abuser.
There are three consent considerations in BDSM: is it legal? is it informed? what model does it follow?
legal consent – in the eyes of U.S. law, this means that everyone involved is of adult age, is mentally competent to make good decisions, and gave clear consent, either verbally or through their actions.
informed consent – BDSMers want more protection than the law provides. For us, informed consent is mandatory. This means that all parties really want to do it, understand the risks, and have negotiated boundaries and limits to protect their minds and bodies. Some find it useful to create lists or contracts which lay out the specifics of what they want and enjoy and what they will not do.
consent models – find a consent model that works for you and stick to its guidelines. Learn about SSC, RACK, PRICK, and watch your BDSM life move in positive directions.
photo credit: Stormseeker@sseeker via UnSplash
