Labels
Did you ever notice how many people, new to BDSM, immediately pick a label? It’s almost a Community protocol. When someone new pops up, we’re eager to know where they are on the BDSM spectrum. “Are you a dom or sub,” we ask. The minute they identify which one they are, a whole stream of assumptions flow out of that label.
Identity labels can be convenient but they are also one of the biggest stumbling blocks people face on their journey to a joyful kink life. You see it all the time, the newbie who’s positive they know what they want — until they get it. We’ve all met that eager beaver who suddenly turns tail and runs so fast all you see is a tail flapping in the wind when they discover BDSM is not like their fantasies and, wow, that implement hurts a lot more in reality than it did in their fantasy.
Trying to fit the label
People who frame their sexual identities before they’ve had a successful relationship lock themselves into a label. But they haven’t defined what the label means to them personally. They see dom and sub in black and white: whichever label you are, you’d better start acting that way. You dress to fit your label, you say and do the things that conform to the label.
It doesn’t help that too many mentors and players keep pushing them to conform to the label they use. This is where the toxic concept of “a real dominant” or a “real submissive” stems from. It’s a philosophy that implies a label defines a person, that an identity can be shoved into one of two boxes, and that everyone around them knows what a “real” version of that label looks like.
Getting past your labels
One of my clients, I’ll call him Jim, had been floundering in the Scene for years. He couldn’t find a woman who would be the dominant of his dreams. The longer we worked together, the more clear it became to me that this was because he was more dom than sub. Yes, he had a foot fetish and yes, he wanted to worship feet. What he didn’t want was a genuinely dominant woman. He wanted all the power in the relationship. He wanted a woman who would let him worship her feet while he dictated the scene, her outfit, and their relationship outside the bedroom. As a result of our work, he finally accepted that he was a mostly dom guy with an intense foot fetish. Now he’s finding freedom and pleasure.
Labels are categories. They cannot contain us. We contain ourselves. Those contents are often crammed with contradictions, quirks, and anomalies of every kind. Doms can be kind, polite, even deferential; subs can be selfish, even predatory. Types of submission and dominance span a wide gamut.
The only really meaningful label is the one you give yourself by learning from experience. You may be sub, but what KIND of sub? What things actually make you happy in BDSM? What have YOU learned about your own needs? Is your label holding you back? Are you trying to live up to someone else’s definition of what a sub should be or trying to fit a fictional image that turned you on?
Define yourself by learning who you really are and what kind of energies you possess. Don’t pigeonhole yourself. LIVE your BDSM life. Experiment. Learn. Grow from your experiences and see where they take you. One day you may find yourself in a relationship that is as unique and unconventional as you truly are.
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