Sale on Kindle: SEX AND THE SELF 99¢ until May 31st
The question that has fascinated me since I first wrote Different Loving was, “what evidence is there to prove what normal sex is in the first place?” In other words, who gets to decide what’s normal? Are there hard facts out there to say that BDSM is unsavory or is that just someone’s opinion? Has anyone proven that a lot of sex is bad for you? Do they have proof that fetishes mean you’re mentally ill? How do they know that masturbation is bad? It certainly never grew hair on my palms.
I went to all the original sources and read hundreds of studies and books and there was only one authoritative conclusion to draw from my academic research: they were full of so much patriarchal bullshit they were as relevant to modern sex science as alchemy is to modern medicine. So I wrote Different Loving based on something you didn’t see much of back then about kinky sex. I wrote it based on the facts as we knew them back then–from the trickle of reliable studies to examples in the literature to hundreds of stories and anecdotes from people who self-identified as kinky.
A decade ago, I decided to try and cram my knowledge about sex into a series of three books called “The Truth About Sex.” In the first volume of the trilogy, SEX AND THE SELF, I started with the basics — orgasm, masturbation, and how to be ethical and authentic with your sexuality. I was focused on correcting myths about orgasms and masturbation because, at the time, it seemed like the majority of my clients were struggling with libido, fears of masturbation and porn, anxieties about masturbation, and general angst around the natural act of sex. I wrote it to be the guide I wish I had growing up when I was struggling with all the questions about masturbation and orgasms and how to make good choices about my sexuality.
I was also still in search of evidence-based answers to the question of what is normal and native to the human body, as opposed to what people BELIEVE is right or wrong depending on what their grandpappy told them. This time, I had three powerful allies: a decade of sex therapy under my belt, a massive swell in medical research on human sexuality, and Internet-enabled research tools which allowed me to read all the sex science streaming in, particularly in the medical field where doctors were discovering the links between orgasms and better health and longevity. Cardiologists were noting better heart-health in people who had frequent orgasms. Oncologists and Urologists found people who routinely masturbated had lower rates of reproductive cancers. Psychologists were establishing correlations between sexual health and human happiness and how a balanced sex life relieved depression, stress, and anxiety.
Looking at all the different fields of medicine that were reporting the same thing — that orgasms improved underlying health (and not just in humans but in all mammals), I theorized that orgasms may have evolved as a survival strategy to keep a body in good shape. I think of the flush of sex chemicals you get when aroused and their impact on organic functions, from the brain to lungs to perineum and beyond functions as a kind of circulatory cleans that must flush our body with healing and life-affirming chemicals. This would explain why men wake up with morning wood (the body “refreshing” them with sex chemicals when they rest) and why people who keep those juices flowing with orgasms often lead happier and longer lives than other people.
Sex may be the way we reproduce, but its value in human life is much deeper than procreation.
I also was happy to find that the reality of “what is normal” can be answered simply: DIVERSITY. Diversity is normal. Diversity that begins with your own body — not just the size, color or shape of the organs you can see, but infinite differentials under the skin that may make you, for example, asexual or transexual or gay or lesbian, or which allow you to become orgasmic from one type of sensation as opposed to the next person who looks just like you but needs a completely different sensation or experience to climax.
The point I wanted to drive home is that the old normal was ridiculously wrong. Sex may be the way we reproduce, but its value in human life is much deeper than procreation. It’s self-preserving, self-affirming, and self-comforting to experience orgasms.
I was very intent on making sure I got my facts out there early and my list of 18 medical-study based reasons why orgasms are vital to human health made a big media splash when the book first came out. Since then, I’ve been delighted to see my scientific theories spread, reworked, researched by new generations of sexologists. But I want even MORE people to understand the value of loving your body as you love your mind, your partner(s), your pets, and your children. Remember that YOU are the center of your own universe, inhabiting a beautifully sensate body. Keeping healthy is your mission. And since sex and orgasm are strategies for better health, I want to bust any myths and anxieties that may be holding you back from embracing your sexual potential.
During the quarantine, I’ve been offering select books for 99 cents in Kindle to encourage you to read my work, buy it for friends, and buy it for your teens. Why did we ever think masturbation was bad in the first place? Why do some people think that frequent orgasms are a bad thing?? Read SEX AND THE SELF and learn why sex in all its consensual forms is a healthy choice every day of the year.
