As a lifestyle dom for 35+ years, this addition to the shame-busting series touches on me personally.
Fem doms have many different voices shouting at them, from male chauvinists and entrenched social misogyny to feminists who literally don’t understand the self-empowerment process of female dominance in BDSM. These people don’t even vaguely connect with women who feel self-confident, fully in control of their lives and/or their partners’ lives, and who do not depend on men for their identities — nor care much for what men think of their choices.
In addition to navigating their ways around the creepy conformists who threaten to out them, dominant women face cultural stereotypes steeped in patriarchal narratives that make NO ROOM for women like us. At work we are “bitches,” at home we are “domineering,” and in relationships we are heartless. All lies: we are no more or less feminine than other women. We are simply STRONG women.
Here are some of the stereotypes about fem doms that need to end.
Stereotype: Dominant Women Are Sleazy
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: A dominant or sadistic female is an aberration and probably a criminal.
FACT: Fem doms may be lawyers, health workers, heiresses, stay-at-home moms, and working-class people. In other words, regular members of society. Dominant women are moms, grandmas, aunts, and sisters. They may do it as a lifestyle or as erotic roleplay confined to their partner. A small percent of them are sex workers and fantasy facilitators.
Non-professional fem doms tend to party only with intimates and BDSM friends. Professionals offer their services to paying customers. Many prodoms are lifestyle dominants, while others do it because they need the money or because they love getting paid to do work they truly enjoy.
BDSM sex workers, in general, are more like psychodramatists than prostitutes. They may never disrobe during a BDSM experience. Their power comes from their minds and personae — often with an assist from fetishwear and devilish expertise with kinky toys.
Media portray fem doms as predatory. Thankfully, true predation, the type that harms people, is vanishingly rare. Think of it as a tiny but terrible group of treacherous sharks in seas of tantalizing mermaids. The vast majority of female dominants — lifestyle, roleplay, and professional — are consent-based. They’re normal, regular people, and along with being strong and self-confident, they are, as a group, caretakers who take joy in being able to give submissives extraordinary pleasure and relief.
TAKE AWAY: Dominant women reject patriarchy and strive to manifest their belief in their personal power to make others tremble in anticipation before them. What unifies good female doms is 1) compassion, 2) consent-centered scenes and 3) the ability to create transformative erotic experiences without causing genuine harm.
Stereotype: Real Dominant Women Don’t Exist
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: Women were born to be submissive.
FACT: This myth has been perpetuated by terrified men since almost the beginning of time. Its underpinning is that, since men can use brute strength to seize power, men are more powerful and thus the naturally dominant gender.
Fortunately, the whole point of civilization is to take the beast out of the ape and learn to live in community. Civilization means valuing intelligence, integrity, and the ability to develop advanced skills and implement them. Women are, in that respect, indispensable equals in society.
This notion that women were born to be subs is not only insultingly ridiculous, it is rooted in misogyny. This misogyny extends, most annoyingly for us, to some kinky men. Dom females deal with male doms who are *sure* we have a submissive side we are hiding from them and pushy subs who try to control what we wear, how we act, and the toys and fetishes we “should” include to please them.
TAKE AWAY: Dominant women have always existed. They have been documented throughout human history. Women have always been queens and warriors like Joan of Arc, Queen Boudicca, and the Viking warriors. And we’ve always existed in domestic households! In fact, this medieval image of Aristotle humiliated by Phyllis I saw in my college days has stayed fresh in my mind for over 40 years. You could say it was a source of inspiration for me.
Stereotype: Dominant Women Are Imitating Patriarchy
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: Dominant women are just mimicking men and repeating patriarchal tropes.
FACT: This popular anti-BDSM trope is completely bogus — and slowed my own entry into our world 40 years ago because the concept worried and shamed me as a lifelong feminist.
Here’s the difference – patriarchy assumes de facto that men are the dominant sex. Dominant women assume de facto that women have equal or greater power than men. If anything, it’s pretty damn patriarchal to believe that women don’t have innate power and aggression and are imitating men.
Fem doms are natural feminists. Feminism — as I use the term, it is the conviction that women are inherently equal — helps a woman feel her power. Dominance helps a woman live her power. Thus, feminism and female dominance often co-evolve.
Fem doms expect their partners to submit to them. However, unlike patriarchy which assumes power, their power is negotiated, with partners who desire to submit. Their submissive partners have a voice in what style of relationship they will establish and what acts and fetishes will be included but not the patriarchal authority to demand it.
Although they may learn the same skill sets and protocols as male doms, fem doms’ lives and erotic repertoires are creatively diverse, and sometimes unique TO the individual. They do not model after male doms (although they may learn profound lessons in BDSM from them, of course). They model themselves according to their own vision of how powerful women should behave. Depending on the dom, she may be warm and mothering, a stern disciplinarian, a light-hearted seductress, a cruel sadist, a combination of all the above, or something completely original.
TAKE AWAY: Fem doms don’t emulate the gender-based superiority of patriarchy. They prefer negotiated power exchange.
What makes a good BDSM fem dom so great?
— she cares about each partner’s boundaries
— she wants to see her partner(s) really love the experience she gives them
— she’s in it for the fun, the adventure, and the pride of being self-realized
— she thinks patriarchy is bullshit and she loves to defy its expectations
If you find a good fem dom, you can expect she’ll be ethical, likely with strong boundaries informed by making her own way as a powerful woman in a male-dominated world.
NEXT: Fighting Shame for FemSubs
banner photo by sabinemondestin https://pixabay.com/users/sabinemondestin-1161633/
