Choice
Cultural stereotypes have prevented people (including too many kinky ones) from understanding that the heart of female submission in BDSM is a deliberate, consensual, and negotiated choice to live out fantasies of surrender.
Fem subs receive criticism on all sides: from friends and family who think being submissive means being abused; from clueless doms who tell them they aren’t “real” submissives if they don’t fit the dom’s pre-formed mold; from feminists who claim you can’t be a feminist and be submissive; and from society in general which condemns being submissive in a consensual BDSM relationship, yet fully accepts women coerced into submission by male-dominated belief systems and organizations.
Fem subs are as strong and in control of their lives as every other BDSMer — which is to say, they have more control of their erotic destiny than conventional women and more autonomy than most people will ever know.
Stereotype: Submissive Women Are Doormats
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: Female subs are easy prey who fall for abusers.
FACT: BDSM submissives and women who get pushed around have little in common.
Wise submissives choose their partners carefully, screening them, vetting them, and negotiating well-defined limits. They stand ready to safeword out of a scene or relationship that crosses the line into abuse.
What about “doormats,” i.e., people who others walk all over? Who are the real doormats in our world? The office workers who are wage slaves and treated as lackeys? The retail workers who are forced to submit to angry customers and blow-hard bosses day in and day out? How about the home-maker with an unappreciative or abusive husband?
Or is it people who choose to surrender to carefully chosen partners for sexual pleasure?
What is true is that uneducated and naive fem subs may struggle with self-esteem issues and end up making bad choices. Sometimes that’s in part because they believe the stereotypes about people like them. They haven’t learned yet that it’s on them to set their limits and protect them. The beauty of BDSM is they learn how to have a nourishing relationship in which they’re free to be the submissive they want to be.
TAKE AWAY: BDSM fem subs choose the path of their sexual happiness. A mature fem sub is proud, strong, and should be treasured in her relationship(s). They free themselves from conventional ideas about who or what they should be.
Stereotype: You’re Not Submissive Unless You…
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: If femsubs set firm boundaries, they are not “real submissives.”
FACT: Those are the lies predatory doms tell themselves. No one gets to define another person’s sexual identity. A real submissive is someone who identifies as a submissive.
Self-awareness doesn’t make women less submissive. It makes them strong, fully-empowered women who choose to surrender their power to someone they trust for the sake of erotic and psychological pleasure.
Everyone who has ever attended Community classes or read a BDSM educational book should, by now, recognize that we are a consent-centered Community and that, in one style or another, we all obtain informed consent, negotiate limits and preferences, discuss our mutual expectations, and do so as equals before agreeing to exchange power. Why the emphasis on exchange power? Because you can’t surrender power unless you have it in the first place.
Here are 3 basic rules of BDSM that educators stress:
1- Submissives have every right to set boundaries before submitting.
2- They have every right to hold a dominant accountable for ignoring a safe word or pushing them too hard.
3- They have every right to negotiate as equals — and to withdraw consent, even end the relationship.
TAKE AWAY: Submissives do not fit any mold or model. Anyone who negs them by suggesting they “aren’t real subs” is gaslighting them. That’s a big red flag.
Stereotype: Submissive Women Are Socially Submissive
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: Submissive women are submissive to everyone — partners, all doms, employers, and everyone else.
FACT: One of the ugliest mistakes people make — both in BDSM venues and in the binary heteronormative world — is that sexually submissive women are submissive in daily life.
It’s a twisted irony that one of the oldest cliches about male subs who see prodoms is that they are so powerful by day they need to experience surrender at night. When it comes to women, nah, they’re just born to serve. Real pushovers.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Whatever our gender, who we are in bed, behind closed doors, with intimate, trusted partners, has nothing to do with the lives we lead in front of children, family, and the public. Just as fem doms can be tender moms, adoring wives, and the proverbial grandmas who busily bake cookies, fem subs may be industry leaders and presidents of companies, no more likely to believe in male superiority than any other feminist.
Contrary to patriarchal assumptions that run rampant–yes, even in the world of BDSM–fem subs are not public property. They don’t submit to just anyone, only the partner(s) they choose to serve.
Fem subs may play casually with a range of consenting adults for the fun of it. When it comes to forming serious relationships, though, they are cautious about their choices. If they have undergone the process of self-education (by reading, by attending classes, by joining community events, and watching how couples relate when they aren’t playing) they know the importance of having a voice and using it to promote a healthier, happier dynamic.
TAKE AWAY: Female sexual submission is a deliberate choice to surrender power to a trusted partner in exchange for ecstasy. The decision to surrender is liberating. Empowering.
What makes a good BDSM fem sub so great?
— she gives the dom the gift of her vulnerability
— she lives out her deepest fantasies
— she’s true to herself as a complex human being
— she understands that women can choose to have the kind of sex they love most. She owns the greatest human power of all: choice
Start Over: Fighting Shame for Male Subs
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