In the world of BDSM, we’ve had to throw a lot of conventional wisdom to the winds and often turn it on its head. What normies think is shameful, we celebrate. What they consider sin is where we find our true happiness in life. What they consider terrifying – that’s where we find ecstasy.
So, I’m turning the old saying “You have to be cruel to be kind” on its head to explain why and how an ethical dom must be kind to be cruel.
You’ve heard the saying “submission is a gift.” It is a gift when someone turns over their trust and surrenders completely. For doms, it’s the biggest single turn-on in the world.
You don’t hear that dominance is a gift too, but you should. We give subs the feelings they crave, the sensations and orgasms they dream about, and the comforting support of a protective authority figure. We gift them every bit as much as they gift us in an ethical power exchange.
That’s right, we exchange gifts in BDSM: it’s never a one-way transaction. (If it is, you are with the wrong partner!)
What does it mean to grow as a dom?
Growing as a dom includes re-evaluating our relationship style and learning when to soften the edges even as we take subs deeper into intense experiences. It makes a sub more willing to follow our lead. It’s something of a paradox – this kindness gives us more power.
We learn that we don’t need to feign arrogance or cold-heartedness to impress subs. We gift them the fruit of our mad genius; the skills and techniques, the education and experience we’ve acquired to take them on these wonderful journeys into screaming ecstasy.
We relish sharing these experiences we give them, not to mention the rewards we get – from the emotional to the blowjobinal – for taking them where they need to go.
Why kindness matters
Kindness is the game-changer that puts us on the path to achieving our BDSM best. This includes
- realizing our partner is a full-blooded human being with feelings that may be entirely different from ours or another sub/bottom
- treating them as a partner, not as an interchangeable fleshbag
- abiding by their safeword AND showing concern by making sure you know why they used a safeword – and remedying the situation for them.
We should also be kind to OURSELVES.
If we aren’t kind to ourselves, respectful of our own needs and health, how can we be that for others? Being kind to ourselves means building ourselves through experience into a person who isn’t just powerful over subs, but powerful over themself. It means knowing our own boundaries. Not punishing ourselves for small mistakes. Taking responsibility for our big ones and trying to become better doms in the process.
We can choose what kind of dominant we’ll be. We can choose to be kind – and witness miraculous transformations in ourselves, our playstyles, and our partners’ satisfaction. Or we can try to live up to some phony image of doms as cold-hearted sadists. Which path do you think will take you where you want to go?
all images used under Pixabay License
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