Dear Gloria,
What are some good questions to ask potential Doms/subs on that first coffee date?
Why don’t pansexual folks and gay men hang out more?
Is it okay to start a session not wanting it, with the hope of getting into it once it’s started?
What are some good stretches for bondage bottoms?
Curious Ben
Thanks for these, Curious!
Each of your questions would make for a great article, maybe even a book chapter. Instead of attempting to give you authoritative answers here, I’ll give you some brief opinions or ideas for each. My best advice is to keep asking trusted friends for their input because there are a lot of different points of view on most of these.
First, the minimum a Dom and sub should know about each other are the raw basics you’d share on any first date. That may include your marital status (single, partnered, poly, etc.), your real age, your real name, a real contact (phone), where you work (if you work), your personal or career aspirations, and anything else you think a potential future partner MUST know about you.
Some people have trust issues (normal) and may want to keep things anonymous until you reassure them you’re safe. If they’ve dealt with stalkers, they may withhold contact info at first. If you get a bad vibe from a date, don’t share anything, just get out of there. But if you’re considering having a BDSM relationship with them, the above info should be covered before you play.
My basic rule of thumb is that even though you meet as Dom/sub, the first date should be egalitarian enough so that there is equal sharing of personal information. If you’re with someone who asks or listens but doesn’t offer the same level of info, that could be a red flag. A pattern of withholding information is a huge red flag. Avoid them. If you’re with someone who doesn’t let you get a word in edgewise or doesn’t seem to listen well, AVOID. People usually present their best face on first dates, so you need to be aware that every deliberate omission of facts and everything that “doesn’t add up” could be a meaningful sign of their untrustworthiness.
If you have a good communication flow, then you can get down to discussing what kinds of BDSM things you’d like to do together and begin paving a negotiated path to mutual pleasure. The big BDSM questions to ask are, first, whether they’d had real-life experience in a D/s relationship. If so, what was it and how did it go for them? If you are seriously interested in them after all the first questions go well, it’s time to ask if they know (yet) what exactly they’re looking for and what kinds of kinks/fetishes they love.
Naturally, if you plan to play after a first coffee date, the next most important questions center on any limits you both want to place around the sex and/or BDSM. That’s likely a deeper conversation but hopefully can happen before you actually tie/get tied.
Next, I don’t know why pansexuals don’t hang out more with gays. I’m pansexual and will travel distances to hang out with my gay friends! Perhaps some people are shy about it because of they aren’t sure if they’d be welcome. Perhaps some men still harbor deeply entrenched straight-culture stigmas that scare them away from expanding their social comfort zones. I think we’ll see a lot more cross-community cultural engagement in the future, though. Millennials are breaking new ground all over the world of kink and LGBT.
Waiting for a mood to hit is sexually passive behavior. Choosing to have sex is a healthy choice. No one can be in the mood all the time, but the turn-ons of sex can seduce you into the mood. I have started off scenes reluctantly (because I was tired, had my period, etc.) that turned out spectacularly. I’ve also tried new fetishes/scenes I wasn’t sure I’d like and discovered I loved them! So unless you’re actually turned off, if you have an eager partner and you’re fairly sure that touching them and seeing their excitement will get you aroused, do it! There’s no rule that you have to be hyped up beforehand, particularly if you believe there’s a chance you might get into it once it’s happening.
The only rule is that you don’t lie to yourself that you need to keep doing it when you sense it isn’t working for you.
For a sub, that’s one of the purposes of a safeword: you may hit a place where you realize it’s not where you want to be and it’s not going to get better for you. It’s best for the sub’s self-esteem if they safeword out of scenes that make them feel emotionally icky. On the dom side, it’s critically important to recognize and accept when it isn’t going as planned. It’s better for your own sense of self-esteem to stop the action and compassionately take the sub down from their high, rather than persisting when your energy is off. You’re not doing them a favor by continuing. A conflicted or bored dom is a bummer to bottom to.
Finally, good stretches for bondage bottoms mean loosening up tight muscles, limbering up arms and legs, and improving overall core flexibility. If you’re a gym rat, focus on deep leg stretches (hamstring stretches, hip stretches, etc.) and arm stretches. SELF magazine has a handy guide to good arm stretches. Yoga floor poses like the snake are also very helpful to improve flexibility for a scene. Here’s an article from Very Well Fit on 10 simple yoga stretches that will help bondage lovers hold positions more comfortably. I also recommend breathing exercises so subs learn to control breathing to recoupe their calm when scenes get heavy and help process pain.
