Hey, Gloria,
Normally, I would do a smart ass question but here’s a serious one.
What are your thoughts on whether, in a female-led cis-hetero relationship, conventional vaginal intercourse detracts from the dominance/submission dynamic?
Normally Smart Ass
Dear Smart Ass,
First, thumbs up for choosing your question wisely. On the other hand, smart asses get smart punishments so… just saying
Every female dominant leads her relationship as SHE sees fit. I’m happy to share my thoughts and perspectives but that doesn’t mean my point of view will (or necessarily should) either align with your partner’s point of view or put her under pressure to accept my views.
Every dominant, regardless of their gender or experience, should feel free to shape their D/s dynamic in ways that satisfy them personally.
Dominants who enjoy penetrative sex are entitled to have penetrative sex.
Dominants who prefer rules and rituals may insist that the D/s dynamic adheres to learned traditions, Master/slave rituals, or their own rules on penetrative sex.
Dominants who want their subs to cuddle and spoon all night are entitled to that too.
There is no rule, law, or consensus on whether sex, cuddling, making-out or other common intimacies must be included in or excluded from female-led cis-hetero relationships or D/s relationships of any stripe. None. The rule of thumb I follow is that adults are free to explore mutually satisfying pleasures. This means power dynamics may look the same on the outside in public but could be vastly different in its details in private.
But what DOES really change things and should change them is the sub’s informed consent. So, if you’re a bottom who loves elements of straight sex with their BDSM, don’t commit to a partner who is sexually unavailable. If you are a sub who prefers asexuality, chastity scenes or has other reasons for not wanting intercourse, don’t commit to a dom who hasn’t fully negotiated your sex limits with you.
I think a sub is entitled to know, going in, where a dom stands on oral, vaginal and anal sex. I think it’s crappy when a dom only tells you after you wear their collar that there will be a limit you didn’t expect or they push a boundary without your clear consent. It gets really thorny when subs/slaves/bottoms beseech a dominant to take them on, their eyes glimmering with the shiny glint of a new Master or Mistress’s toys, their feverish imaginations lit with fantasy desires, only to find out later that the dom thinks they can now do anything they want with your body because you gave them blanket consent the moment you asked them to top you. Ouch. Crash and burn!
If you have consented to your D/s relationship, did you also consent to abstain from intercourse? If you knew when you gave consent that it was a strong likelihood, it’s up to you to grapple with what to do now to fix your bad choice. But if someone springs it on you, and — even worse — tries to defend it by pointing to others and saying “well that’s how Mistress X does it” – or the fatal blow, “you’re not a good sub if you question me” -I think you should leave or insist on renegotiating the terms of your service asap. They are not acting in good faith if they will not explain why they, personally, feel a certain way about sex with you.
If the sub consents, if the top wants it, if it makes both sides happy and none are harmed, there is NOTHING that is forbidden in BDSM. Fuck and suck to your heart’s content or keep your partner in chastity 24/7. We’re all about feeling ecstatic from the BDSM buzz. The buzz comes from our inner, unique selves. You can’t keep your inner buzz alive by mimicking what other people do. Your you-ness should dictate what you do.
Finally, the idea that intercourse diminishes a woman’s power over a man is sexist. Think about it: men seem manlier when they fuck but women are vulnerable “vessels” when they’re on their back? That is a patriarchal narrative and it is BS. As a femdom, I can assure you I feel like an Amazon goddess conquering a man. And I’m not talking about doing it with a strap-on. Dominance is a state of mind, a deeply felt emotional reality, not a body position.
I know a lot of subs are ambivalent about vaginal intercourse, and some who think oral sex is something they should only give and never get. They don’t like the idea of a dom “going down” on them. A sub friend once described it as “somehow unseemly.” lol It may be unseemly in their fantasy life, where they were always being taken hard and used roughly. But some dominants, myself included, like oral sex, both receiving and giving. Should we deny ourselves because submissives are inhibited that way or, worse, because sex-negative people think that SMers aren’t supposed to have actual sex? Nah!!!! We are like sex super-heroes. We go where others don’t dare!
If you and your partner think you’d love it, do it.
