It used to be that psychologists thought we were broken. Medical literature described BDSM activity as a pathology.
This wasn’t based on much other than rigid assumptions by Victorians who thought that people who wanted anything other than missionary-position-sex were degenerates.
What they thought we were
- Traumatized people reenacting their trauma
- Incapable of genuine lasting relationships
- Devoid of joy or fulfillment
However, BDSM is now being understood through studies rather than assumptions, and that means many things are changing.
Back in 1993, my book Different Loving broke ground for the evidence-based study of BDSM. The beauty of recent studies is that the new generation of sex researchers gather valid research. They design questionnaires and surveys to get at the truth. They seek out people like us and ask lots of questions without judgment. And with every passing year, the picture of BDSMers has developed into a crisp image of psychologically sound and thriving adults.
I recently found this round-up of cross-sectional studies published in two prestigious sex science journals. (full link at the bottom but if you want to read it now, it’s here). Read on to find out what scientists are saying about us now!
BDSM FICTIONS V. FACTS
Each of the three following takeaways is from scientific studies which bust old myths that many in the medical and legal communities still believe! Those myths are a drag for any of us who have to deal with kink-negative doctors and courts. But once you’ve read this, you, at least, may rest assured that you will know the truth they still resist accepting.
BDSM acts are trauma-based
The Classic Fiction
People enjoy BDSM, bondage, pain-play, fetishes, and other pleasures because they were traumatized as kids. They get involved with other people to re-live their traumas.
The Facts
Trauma is tragically common. So it’s no surprise that millions, if not billions of us, have had trauma in our lives, often going back to childhood. Therefore, kinky people are “normal” in that respect. We are no more or less inclined to have traumas in our past than any other community.
What is different about us is that we talk about it. We are likely to tell our tops (or bottoms, if relevant) about our triggers and where they come from. We tackle subjects other people find hard to speak about at all.
So if you feel like you have met people in the kink world with daddy issues or anxiety disorders, it doesn’t mean more of us were traumatized than others. It’s because we are talking about it, working on it, trying to deal with it, and overcoming its hold on our lives.
In one study, the researchers surveyed 771 BDSM practitioners and 518 non-practitioners to examine whether BDSM was a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to traumatic experiences in early life.
“The hypotheses of a link between childhood trauma and BDSM was not supported by the results of our study. Little to no evidence was found for a link between childhood trauma and the onset of BDSM interests.” – link
BDSMers have chronically unstable relationships
The Classic Fiction
Kinky people are, by nature, weirdos, therefore they have weird and unstable relationships. They don’t experience love and romance.
The Facts
I wrote Different Loving Too to see whatever happened to BDSMers I’d last interviewed 25 years earlier for the original book. With only a small handful of exceptions, they had done amazingly well. Still in love, some more in love, some maybe less; still, most of the original couples were together two decades later. Beyond relationship stability, they also tended to form life-enriching networks of kink-positive friends and play partners.
In the world of science, researchers are catching up to the reality that, boy, we kinky folk can and do forge powerful permanent bonds. And while the ways we express love and affection may not always be understood by more conventional people, we feel at home in our skin and enjoy healthy partnerships.
Our research showed that BDSM practitioners have a more secure attachment style than people from the general population. . . .In other words, BDSM practitioners were more likely than non-practitioners to report that it was easy for them to become emotionally close to others and that they were comfortable being in an interdependent relationship. – link
BDSMers are cold-hearted, creepy, and grim
The Classic Fiction
People who do BDSM never smile. It’s all cruelty and depravity. They hate themselves and what they do.
The Facts
Kinky people are the original party animals. We laugh and play all night. At least we did before Covid.
We are the Dionysians in Puritan culture.
We push our limits. We push them to achieve a place of psycho-sexual ecstasy!
We stretch our minds and bodies to experience the intensity of the chemical rushes that come when we push past what we previously thought was impossible.
We endure intense sensation to go to the edge of human experience, like endurance athletes. Only we hope our journey will end with an orgasm and not repetitive stress injuries.
Why can’t people just accept that kinky people are the JOYOUS thrill-seekers of sex? That we are often merry revelers. Society approves of athletes who experience euphoria by taking huge risks with their bodies. Sure, they may climb a mountain, while we prefer the crescendo of an orgasm, but so what? When we hurtle past the final obstacle in our way we all hope to feel a joyous ecstasy in completion.
In general, higher levels of sensation seeking were found in BDSM practitioners. They reported higher levels of both thrill- and novelty-seeking than participants from the general population. BDSM practitioners who identified themselves as being bisexually orientated reported the highest levels of thrill-seeking – link
IN FACT, BDSM IS HEALTHY FOR BDSMers
I’d never suggest that everyone should try BDSM, much less that everyone would benefit by it.
That said, BDSM is very good for BDSMers. We’re not “reenacting trauma”. We’re playing together, connecting, and following our bliss. It builds us up and gives us new potential to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
It’s nice to see that the scientists are starting to catch on.
Banner photo credit: Timo Vaknar via Unsplash
