I’ve been playing with you. Yes, I have. I’ve made April all about masturbation as an unofficial build-up to the annual sexological holiday, May is masturbation month. OK, that isn’t official either, but it always puts me in a merry mood to know that other hedonists are celebrating their sexy bodies. I want to encourage you too to learn and love the fact that self-pleasure is normal and good.
While I am a deeply kinky woman, I also love and respect the importance of keeping one’s sexual health vital and strong. I believe in complete sexual autonomy for grown-ups: the ability of each adult to care for his, her, or their sexual needs when a partner is either not available or not desirable.
To me, that means being able to have orgasms when I want to have them in a way (or ways) that make me feel good about myself in body and mind. It means being able to touch myself without shame or inhibition, and being able to relax enough to let my innate brain chemistry kick in and trigger the feel-good drugs associated with all the stages of sex, from those first delicious tickles of arousal to post-orgasmic afterglow. The rapture paralyzes me with ecstasy and the aftermath is just as sweet. I feel emotionally nourished. The sheer physical relief spreads bliss from into every corpuscle.
Do you love your orgasms as much as I love mine? You could, you know.
The Body is The Path to Pleasure
There are people who have their best sex without using their genitals. For most of us, though, the best sex is experiential sex.
Experiential sex is physical sex of any kind, solo or partnered.
No matter what you fantasize would feel great and fulfill you, no matter what other people tell you they like or claim that you *should* like, nothing can predict what your individual experience will be to new physical sensations until you feel them.
When it comes to personal sexual pleasure, there is a vast realm of self-knowledge you can’t get from books. Exploring your own potentials helps you build realistic expectations about sex so you can cope when things don’t go as planned. Knowing your own body and how it responds is not only a gift that will keep giving throughout your lifespan, it is also a gift to your partners. The more you sensually and sexually explore your loves, likes, and dislikes, the more confidence you build in who you are sexually and what you really want from your relationships. That means you can articulate it and communicate your limits and your desires, too.
Ironically, as adventurous as BDSMers are with toys, fewer are nearly as comfortable with putting their hands on themselves. This includes masters who don’t think it’s masterly to self-pleasure. Being kinky doesn’t automatically exempt anyone from the cultural shame that’s been dumped on us since birth about touching the mystic middle part of our body where the trunk joins the lower limbs.
BDSM shame around masturbation kind of blows my mind because I experience it as a comforting private place of complete and total control. I get into kink space in my head and I get the exact stimulation I want at the exact INSTANT I want it. It feels fabulous!
In a sex-positive culture, we’d call our genitalia the sweet spot, because that’s exactly what it is, the universal sweet spot of our species.
Let’s Do You!
Do you get wetter or stiffer when a particular spot (or spots) on your genitals are rubbed hard or tickled lightly? Is it more arousing if you add nipple stimulation to genital stim? Do you need fresh, clean sheets or do you prefer writhing the floor? Do you need to be in the right headspace for the sensations to feel right or can you get all the sensations you need by physical stimulation only?
The only person who can answer such questions for you is YOU. If you are waiting for a mind-reader to come along and study all your responses for years to get it just right, you are wasting a lot of precious time you could be spending having healthy, fun orgasms.
Masturbation can open us up to life if we shed the negativity. If you think masturbation is shameful, you drank the cultural Kool-Aid of ideological bs. If you think it’s unhealthy, you don’t follow the science. If you think masturbation is for losers, you are the loser, because you’re missing out on the joy of having a human mind in a primate body. It’s a blessing that we can still experience the passion and rapture of our primal ancestors. Even though it does take a lot of dildos and butt plugs and paddles and ropes to dredge it out of us sometimes, the spark is in us and, as long as that spark is there, we can make it roar with fire.
The 2 exercises below, adapted from Sex and the Self, are examples of homework that have hugely helped clients conquer obstacles to pleasure and orgasm. Both exercises focus on sensual awareness and affirmation before sex. If you get aroused doing them, congrats! No penalty, no shame, nothing forbidden, and nothing required.
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Build Sexual Confidence Through the Body
Time: 30 minutes
Please be someplace private for this exercise or, alternately, do it side by side with the partner of your choice.
Most of us walk around in our bodies without ever fully appreciating their incredible capacity for pleasure and sensuality. This exercise operates off the scientific evidence that almost any part of the human body has the potential to feel sexy because skin itself is sexy and plays a vital role in pleasure and orgasm!
Clients who used this exercise occasionally came away surprised by how good it felt to tickle or caress a spot they never before considered erotic. You too could be one of those people who never before realized that a certain kind of touch to an arm or thigh would feel almost as good as direct genital contact. This exercise will help you figure that out.
1 – Pick 5 random spots on your body to start. This includes your erogenous zones and anywhere else from toe to scalp. No spot is forbidden, no spot is required. Pick ones you feel good about touching.
2 – Even if you picked a spot whimsically, see if you can enjoy what you’re feeling. Does a pinch hurt or does it feel a little good? You get to define what “sexy” means to you. Kiss, tickle, or slap parts you can reach, stroke the spots with feathers or brushes, or use your favorite erotic gear.
3 – Narrow it down to 2 winners out of the 5. Focus on those 2 spots. Give them lots of love. Pay attention to how your body is responding. Do you feel warmer all over? Is your heart beating a little faster? Do your lips feel a bit dry? Might want to keep water handy to rehydrate!
4 – Don’t be afraid of the results, no matter what they are. No one but you will know if you came groaning “Mommy,” or that fiercely pinching your labia made you need to cum. Did you have a good time? In solo sex, that’s the only thing that really counts. It’s you taking care of you and that is beautiful.
5 – Take a few deep breaths and relax. If you had an orgasm, consider it the reward for an exercise very well done!!
Body Love with Affirmations
Time: 20 minutes
Please be someplace private for this exercise or, alternately, do it side by side with the partner(s) of your choice.
For this exercise, please shift your focus from the parts you selected in the first exercise and focus on the parts of your body you are most uptight about. Pick 3 spots, whether it’s a roll of flab, love-handles, scars, birthmarks or anything else that makes you self-conscious when naked, this exercise is designed to help you break out of body negativity.
Spend five minutes on each of the three spots. Lightly cup your hand over the first spot and hold it gently, like it was a little bird you are rescuing. Let the warmth from your palm warm it up. If you want, you can very lightly pet it too. Just keep that spot warm and safe and repeat these three affirmations out loud.
1 – This is an important part of my body. It is part of my personal story in life. It helps me to experience pleasure in life. It’s warm and filled with precious sensations. I want to honor it.
2 – This part belongs to me. I own it. It is as much a part of me as any other part of me. I am grateful it does important work for me under the surface that others see. That makes the part even more beautiful to me.
3 – I love this part of my body because it is part of my body. I love my body because it is alive. I am grateful for the pleasures my body brings me.
Excerpted and adapted from Sex and the Self by Gloria Brame
