“I feel so ashamed after I masturbate”
Damon was the proverbial nice guy. Smart, savvy, nicely dressed, friendly, and polite. To look at him you’d think he had it all. But the first thing he told me after a few minutes of pleasantries said it all. “I feel so ashamed after I masturbate. I can’t handle it anymore.”
As soon as he began opening up, Damon went from a guy who looked like he had his life together to someone tearing up and trembling as he made his confessions.
“It’s even worse when I watch porn,” he told me. “Then I feel like I can’t control myself. Like I have the compulsion to keep watching. I go through hell over that.”
What was he ashamed about?
What drove Damon to despair was that all his fantasies revolved around fetishes and submission. He hungered to feel a whip on his back and a chastity device to lock him down. He wanted to kneel before a powerful woman and submit to her orders while she said and did terrible things to him.
This was his terrible secret. A few times, he tried with a girlfriend, but she never understood how to give him what he wanted. Then he tried with another woman who turned out to be more of an abuser than a dominant. He felt he had no options and no hope of finding the kind of woman who’d treat him well during the day and spank him every night.
After he got off, he didn’t want that anymore. He wanted to be “a normal man,” he said. He wanted to live up to what society, his parents, and potential partners expected him to be. And he didn’t see how he could keep up the ruse that he was that kind of man when he couldn’t stop fantasizing about being dominated.
Damon blamed himself. He thought he was weak, and morally confused.
In truth, he didn’t have the nerve to stand up for himself. He never judged others for who they were, no matter how unconventional or weird. He saved all the negative judgment for himself. Even knowing that there were other people out there living the very fantasies he treasured and cultivated didn’t convince him that it was okay to be that way.
Damon’s Path to Self-Acceptance
When Damon came to me, our first step was to explore his personal history.
He was raised by nice parents. There was no abuse, no memory of trauma, no reason he could point to that said “this is why you are kinky.”
What he did remember was how confused he was as a teen. That’s when he realized that most of his hetero peers were obsessed with breasts. He wanted to smell girls’ panties and lick their soles. He realized that he could never admit he wasn’t like the other boys. What would they think of him? They would beat him up. Call him a freak or a pervert. Spread rumors. There was no way he was taking that risk.
That opened the door to infinite other fears. How would he find a woman who would accept a freak like him? Did this mean he would have to lie to someone he loved and deceive them into marrying him? The idea sickened him. What if someone at work found out what he liked? They would report him and humiliate him. Maybe fire him. Could he get arrested? Who knew!? Damon’s anxiety about being kinky in a world that perceived kink as an aberration overwhelmed him.
As Damon unraveled the story of his life, he revealed a series of dysfunctional relationships, disappointments at work because of promotions he should have gotten, and office politics he couldn’t navigate. He said that he felt really hopeless when he saw himself always striving to please others rather than asking himself what he really wanted. He let himself be the butt of jokes rather than stand up for himself. It enraged him but a part of him felt he deserved it for being a weirdo in the first place.
The Destructive Burden of Shame
Damon’s shame was a weight on his entire life. He had a girlfriend, but she didn’t know how kinky he was, and he felt like he was lying to her, which made him feel even more ashamed of himself. He had a good job, but his habit of prioritizing others above himself held him back from the kind of success he knew he could have if he had more self-confidence. He was a great guy yet he saw himself as a loser because he believed that’s how others would see him if they knew about his kinks. Needless to say, the stress and self-recrimination were hurting his health, both mentally and physically.
Shame had destroyed his quality of life from the inside out. A voice inside Damon whispered “you’re not good enough” and “nobody will ever love you as you are.”
How shame warped Damon’s life
- shame distorted his perceptions of boundaries between lovers, creating dysfunctional relationships.
- it stopped him from exploring the pleasures of solo sex.
- his internal conflicts diminished his professional abilities.
- the stress of shame brought on bouts of depression and anxiety.
- internalized stress was taking a toll on his physical health.
How We Healed Damon’s Shame
Damon needed affirmation. He needed to know he was a good person (which he was!), capable of kindness and generosity with others, operating on a solid moral code of “do no harm” and following The Golden Rule. He also needed a major re-education that tooled him to the facts and blocked out the drone of sex-negative nonsense.
We started by working on masturbation and porn consumption by creating a magic bag of self-care tools. In his case, it meant focusing on relieving the stress and replacing the negative-feedback loops with positive ones. Self-care is to masturbation as aftercare is to a BDSM scene — a comforting way of coming down from the high that prevents a crash into negativity.
A healthy masturbation habit
Since the healing process is complex, we collaborated to develop a tailored series of new behaviors to try. We began with changes that could build a positive feedback loop for him, in order to quell his panic attacks about porn and masturbation. For example, having a delicious beverage or favorite treat on hand after masturbation so he could move from a fear state to another type of pleasure immediately. Knowing that music was a big part of his life, I suggested that he create an upbeat playlist and listen to it after solo sex to replace negative thinking with positive musical energy.
From there, we moved on to his porn habits. The problem was that he always felt out of control. He’d start watching, thinking he’d just stay long enough to get aroused, then end up clicking one link after another on porn sites to the point where he got disgusted with himself. To build a new and healthier pattern, I suggested he schedule his porn consumption and give himself a specific amount of time to enjoy without any guilt or shame. By taking control of his porn consumption, and self-regulating, he could start to see it as a treat he granted himself, not a gaping hellhole of compulsiveness.
Just the facts
Once Damon had these tools, he was ready to learn the facts. He needed to understand that, biologically, orgasms were a healthy part of life, with medical benefits (something I explain in depth in Sex and the Self ). And he needed to know he was not alone but, rather, one of the millions of people with similar anxieties and shame. (For more on that, read my 5-part blog series on kink and shame).
Boosted by nonjudgmental support, Damon started to feel a sense of relief he’d never known. He went from not believing he could be happy, to feel ready to go out and find happiness for himself.
Who was that guy?
He grew like an oak from an acorn. In a year’s time, he was showing up with a smile on his face, eager to report on his latest experience. He was more self-confident — especially when he nailed the promotion he wanted. He came out to his best friend, who fully supported him. Then he met a woman who wanted to do BDSM with him, and then he met another. He hadn’t found love yet, but he felt that the perfect person was out there.
Best of all, when he remembered the man who first walked into my office, he’d roll his eyes and shake his head. Who was that guy? It’s not that he was perfect now — he still had doubts and moments of anxiety. But he knew how to beat back the negative voices and could handle small waves of anxiety without falling into his former abyss of self-loathing.
When Damon finally did meet a great femdom who was just the right blend of bitch in bed and devoted girlfriend the rest of the time, we both agreed he was sufficiently healed to continue this journey of authenticity and self-actualization without me. He found his person, his life, and he had come to like himself.
Don’t Let Shame Hold You Back Any Longer
Damon echoed the words of many of my clients when we had our final session: “I just wish I’d done this sooner! Think of all the crap I would’ve avoided.”
Shame is a hard knot to untangle all alone. Damon realized what that shame had been costing him.
I was proud of him for having the courage to seek help and the commitment to do the work that leads to positive change. It’s not easy but it could be the most important thing a person can do to rescue their own life.
If shame is holding you back, don’t just suffer with it. Don’t wait till you’re old and bitter wondering what might have been. Whether you come to me for help or find another way to deal with it, do something about it! It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
