As decent people who like “indecent” things, it’s natural to feel conflicted
A dom may feel ashamed of enjoying others’ screams and moans. A feminist woman may be ashamed of wanting to surrender fully to a man. Regardless of gender, role, or orientation, many of us worry what our desires say about us as people.
But we don’t have to be stuck with shame
We can overcome these conflicts. Those of us who’ve been doing this a long time usually evolve to a way of thinking that goes beyond the old tropes about how people are “supposed” to have sex.
To help you understand this evolution, “Fighting Shame in BDSM” will be a five-part series to explore and move past the stereotypes that make it tough for people like us to achieve self-acceptance.
Each part will focus on a basic category (malesub, femsub, fetishist, femdom, and maledom). People in each of these categories have had shame dumped on them by a society with a creepy obsession for prying into their sex lives.
To unpack the shame dumped on us by creepy conformists, I’ll compare the traditional narratives to the facts. This will lead to powerful takeaways to help you break out of shame.
I’m starting with malesubs because they are especially beleaguered by traditionally toxic stereotypes.
Traditional Stereotypes That Hurt Male Submissives
Stereotype: Subs Are Not “Real Men”
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: A man is only “real” if he abides by all his culture’s expectations.
FACT: This stereotype is the most toxic con of all. Culture/society wants men to live as useful widgets in patriarchal systems. It compels men to suppress their humanity and accept violence and domination as a male norm. This usually means being ready for a fight, pretending to be immune to pain or fear and becoming trapped by conformism.
TAKE AWAY: By rejecting the pre-formed mold society says you should fit, you may learn that vulnerability and emotional awareness are gifts, not flaws. You can invest in relationships with people who deeply appreciate those gifts and find it comforting to be with caring, feeling men who find pleasure in serving. The big pay-off is you don’t have to hide your true self among other kinky people. You can evolve to align your genuine needs with your choices. By living your submission, you may, in fact, find a sense of inner peace and emotional stability beyond the grasp of conventional people.
All men are real men.
Stereotype: A Man Can’t Look Weak
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: A man must be a fighter, a warrior, a champion. He can’t seem weak by admitting he has problems. He must always be in control and wear a “manly” mask at all times, even when he is dying inside.
FACT: In a saner world, where more people moved beyond rigid gender roles, men would be encouraged to be who they are, instead of who conformists think they should be. They would feel and express the complete range of human emotions without shame, including the natural human impulse towards worship, submission and obedience.
As we can see all around us, often it’s the weakest men who wear the thickest masks. Desperate to look manly, they are the bullies, the hollow men. They unquestioningly cling to conformity instead of looking inside and figuring out who they really are. Some are terrified to look inside because they’re afraid of who they will find.
TAKE AWAY: Accepting your submission as a man is not just about having BDSM encounters. It’s also about evolving awareness of what you need. Learning how to get those needs filled. This is a braver path, a healthier path, than bottling up your true nature or suffocating inside a mask. I believe BDSM offers a path of enlightenment. You can forge your OWN definition of manhood and human identity. Paradoxically, that process can make you feel stronger as a man. Why? Because you are no longer trapped by shame.
Stereotype: Men Are the Superior Gender
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: For millennia, society has claimed that men are the superior gender. Entitled to rule — over their families, their communities — by virtue of being men.
Of course, by clinging to the myth, men become dependent on social position as a measure of manhood. But that’s a moving target because it depends on externals. When social position changes — they lose their jobs, they lose their marriages or their health declines — their inner lives may fall to pieces. They don’t feel like men anymore.
FACT: No gender is superior. If we lived in the jungle, perhaps men’s generally larger and more muscled frames would be an advantage in a fight. But brain power, and virtues like kindness, strength, and altruism are distributed evenly among all genders.
Malesubs who live their own truths come from a place of empathy, not entitlement. Cooperation, not compulsion. They are more comfortable in their masculinity than men who remain imprisoned by false concepts of what men are “supposed” to look like, talk like, dress like, and act like.
TAKE AWAY: Malesubs find affirmation when they are accepted by people who get them. They may become irreplaceable lovers, partners, and friends. Their needs and desires are respected. They find freedom within — the freedom to relax, to surrender, to make better moral choices, and the freedom to care for themselves. They pursue happiness according to their own definitions.
Instead of defining your manhood by how you look to creepy conformists, you get to define your own manhood based on your virtues and lovability as a human being. In return, you can experience AUTHENTIC masculinity that will carry you through life’s ups and downs. You were unafraid to look inside.
You know you’re a decent person.
NEXT: Fighting Shame for Male Doms
Read Amazon Hammer and watch Jax fight back her own shame and endure with dignity as people around her cave to social pressure.
