Dear Gloria,
I need your opinion on a situation happening right now in my local community. One of the leaders has said a lot of hurtful things about people in an effort to build his own following. This person looks good in public, dresses right, says all the right words, gives really inspiring speeches, and has a devoted clique who defend them. When they aren’t posing in public as generous educators, they act arrogant and rude to everyone who isn’t in their inner circle. The situation has been irritating but some recent actions by them have finally caused an outright rift between clubs. On one side are the people who follow their leader no matter what and then there are the rest of us, who are embarrassed about this person even being in our community. By the way, this person and their clique blame us for everything, while they are the ones who are dividing us and tearing our formerly peaceful community apart. It’s stressing me out and I don’t know what to do.
The world is filled with seemingly perfect guys who secretly beat their wives and kids. Maybe you had a boss who made you feel incompetent when you knew you were doing a good job — or one who took all the credit for the work you did? Maybe it’s that hard-luck friend whose life is a walking chaos. But they tell you they are the victim. For example, they were unlucky that time when a cop caught them driving without a license. Oh yeah, and that underage girl they slept with, she looked at least 20, how could they know she was only 16?
Have you ever had a partner who, little by little, made you feel stupid or undesirable and broke down your self-esteem? How about one who swallowed up your cash and vanished when it ran out? Or who played games with you and hurt your feelings, then blamed you for getting mad, or saying you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy” for reacting negatively to their lies and insults? Yup, you fell into the clutches of a narcissist. Horrible people, aren’t they?
Understanding Narcissists
The hardest thing about recognizing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is that if you grow up around it, it’s just your normal and if you don’t grow up around it, it never crosses your mind that what you call “cold-hearted” or “controlling” could possibly be a chronic mental health issue. For the most part, when people act antisocial, we Americans tend to brush it off as “oh it’s just Bob being Bob,” never questioning why they act this way and what their inner life is really like.
Garden variety narcissistic traits
The thing about human diversity is that it applies universally, even to the way in which we express neuroses and more serious mental health problems. We all have some narcissistic traits, like thinking we’re better than other people or know more. That’s normal.
Divas
Next level up are people who are clearly all about themselves — their looks, their perfect families, what perfect lives they lead. You exist to worship and praise them. Divas seem to think they are doing you a favor just by existing. Not so healthy, but not necessarily dangerous. Lots of entertaining divas are like that.
Malignant Narcissists
And then there are Malignant Narcissists: people who see other people as pawns in whatever game they’re playing. If pawns have to be sacrificed, that’s just an exciting part of the game. All that matters is winning the game in their own mentally ill minds. They don’t have empathy or remorse. The only kind of apology you might get from them is, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt.” In other words, it’s your problem if you were hurt by their malice, not their problem for being malicious. They live for the end-game in their heads, where they are all-powerful semi-gods who hold the power of life in their hands.
In summary — garden-variety narcissism is fairly harmless, even attractive at times. Non-malignant NPD can be irritating but usually not devastating. But Malignant NPD is destructive. Narcissists all use similar psychological weapons. They all feel inadequate and overcompensate by intimidating and controlling others. They feel better about themselves when they kick someone down. Some Malignant NPDs are outright psychopaths. Think serial killers.
Now let’s talk about a couple of reasons why narcissists may be drawn to BDSM communities.
Instant Status!
Hal who can’t find work and whose ex wives hate him is now “Dominant Master Hell” of the Royal House of Hell. Barely around a month, and he already has a devoted following! It isn’t just a new handle: it’s a new identity that doesn’t hint at the angry loser he is in real life. Of course, now that he feels powerful, he may feel entitled to exploit others — sexually, emotionally, and/or financially — while mouthing SSC/RACK.
Power!
With instant status comes instant power. A skilled narcissist can easily seize the power to make people do things they didn’t consent to while gaslighting them into believing it’s normal. They use power to silence those who speak out. They don’t care about community standards, only themselves. They surround themselves with yea-sayers who give them social proof and enable their continuing abuse.
The question is not why would people be to drawn to places where they can gain power but why aren’t there even more narcissists among us? We’re magnets for the power-hungry. Let’s acknowledge how many activists, group leaders, and professional doms are actually awesome people doing their very best for our worlds.
But how can we deal with a group where a narcissist had developed an outsized influence?
The Solution
To answer the question that started this: the entire field of psychology seems to have only come up with one good way of dealing with this — LEAVE that group behind. There will never be a good outcome once an NPD-type has gained a foothold. You cannot fix an NPD or their followers. Don’t try to reason with them or give either side a reason to continue to engage. Stop renting them room in your head.
If you must communicate, keep it cordial but as brief and to the point of business as possible. Anything personal, any complaint you utter, any news you share, could bite you in the ass.
And please start your own group. Make it a better group. Screen people. Set firm boundaries.
Most of all, focus on kindness. Move towards love. You deserve that.
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I’m a sexologist who researches the scientific connections between sexuality, psychology, and biology.
