Common Sex Problems Need Names
We have clinical terms to describe sexual dysfunctions. However, there are common sexual complaints that we don’t have names for. It’s a pity we don’t have good names for sex problems that so many face.
As a sex therapist, I find myself repeating and re-explaining these common problems to my clients, often to their surprise. They’re relieved to know they’re not alone.
Most existing terms for sex problems are medical — they get named when there’s a medical reason for their occurrence and often there is a medical treatment or protocol that physicians can offer.
But how do you explain negative moods and behaviors when there aren’t terms to express what you are feeling? That’s a hard row to hoe for the patient, and often not something a medical doctor is equipped to handle. At best, if they can’t treat it with a pill or diagnostic tests, they can only refer you to a sex therapist — and most won’t even do that much. Worse, they may just shrug off your problems, which only adds to your stress.
If you can’t put it in words, you can’t think about the problem rationally
Without language to explain them, your brain doesn’t know how to process troubling sexual feelings. That means you can experience the problem as discomfort or hurt you can’t explain. You may even believe you’re the only one going through this. That can make you feel broken and hopeless.
Yet, unless the issue is driven by a medical condition there are almost always solutions to sex problems. It just takes knowledge and a bit of work to overcome them. Knowing that others routinely have the same problems could be a huge relief for you, as it has been for many of my clients. It’s helped clients to understand the normal variations in the sex lives of adults, and not to worry as much about having them.
I’ve jotted down a short list of terms I wish we had. These terms can help you normalize unexpected changes and fluctuations in your sex drive, failures in performance, and other widespread issues that strike nearly every adult at one point or another in their lives.
Lexicon of Terms
Read this list of names for sex problems and see if you’ve ever felt any of these — or maybe a whole bunch of them. These are the most common sexual health complaints that I’ve worked on and repaired.
Sexual Inertia: when you feel horny but not horny enough to do anything about it.
Sometimes, you feel kind of horny — maybe you saw something or someone that turned you on, or you realize you have a tingle in the groin.– but it’s just not ENOUGH motivation to carry through on the urge. Typically, this is a normal part of adult life, a kind of lull when our libido is not 100%. It happens to most adults and can last from a few hours to a few months! It only becomes a problem if that inertia overpowers your sex drive and you never want to act on a tingle or turn-on. Then therapy can help root out why it’s happening and help you turn it around. But for the most part, it’s usually a passing phase. It’s a close relative to Nut Rut.
Nut Rut: when you believe that masturbation is easier or more satisfying than partnered sex — but it really bothers you that you feel that way
Masturbation is a legitimate form of sex. It is not morally better or worse than intimacy with a partner. For many of us, it’s just an easy way to relieve sexual thirst and a desirable way to substitute for partnered intimacy when you don’t have the time for or access to a partner. Yet many people feel that masturbation is bad or shameful, and many more believe it isn’t as “good” or as legit as partnered sex. And that’s where the problem lies.
The human brain is usually wired for orgasms. The natural urge to have an orgasm is part of the brain’s plans to keep you healthy because orgasm itself improves personal health.
So if you are comfortable with masturbation, and find it easier than the complexities of relationship sex, that is fine. Similarly, if you don’t have or want a sex partner, or identify as asexual, it is a good thing you can rely on yourself for healthy orgasms.
That said, if you feel bad about it, feel guilty or ashamed that you do it, or if it’s creating a rift in your relationship those ARE problems. Emotional problems. Not sins, not failures, not abnormalities, either. Then therapy can help you sort out the real reasons you are using masturbation to replace relationship sex.
Orgasmoscrewed: when you are close to climaxing then realize you’re not going to get there.
One of the most common minor problems in the world: you feel so very close to coming and then, blip, the excitement level dips. At that point, you know you probably won’t climax, no matter how good you felt a few minutes ago.
The only time this is a problem is when it’s chronic. You can never reach a climax, no matter how hard you try. It leaves you feeling frustrated, maybe even broken. You probably won’t find an answer from medicine unless you’re taking a medication that’s known to interfere with orgasms (e.g., some anti-depressants). Otherwise, chances are far greater that emotions are secretly holding you back. It could be the person you’re with. It could be how you feel about vulnerability and loss of control. In my clinical experience, the most common culprit is emotional baggage, like shame or trauma. A heavy load of stress chemicals is circulating through you, and their overload interferes with peak sexual performance. Most times, failure to come is a meaningless event. But if it is a chronic problem, a sex therapist can help.
Vampirized: when your partner’s negative energy drains the sexual energy out of you
It’s wild that many people believe any failure to get aroused is their own fault. They blame their genitals as if genitals have a mind of their own. Nope. Your genitals and your brain work together and if your brain isn’t on board, your performance won’t be either.
The most common reason people don’t have the appetite to engage intimately with their partner(s) is not that something is wrong with them, but that something is wrong with their relationship dynamic.
This may happen if you don’t feel your partner is as eager or aroused as you are. Knowing we are hot to our partners is important to humans! So important, it can shape how we feel about ourselves. Or perhaps they pick at your flaws or judge you? That creates a breach of trust — how can you feel comfortable naked with them when you question whether they find you sexy?
A lack of positive energy — on either side — saps the life out of partnered sex. It is a sign that you need to work on the relationship dynamic together to understand what is going wrong. It’s not an easy conversation at all. But it is a necessary one to repair the problem.
PD or CD: pussy or cock deficit. When you’ve been with a small number of people, and you feel like your life is incomplete until you repair the deficit by having more partners.
Again, don’t blame yourself. Some people start feeling a sexual deficit when the honeymoon period is over and some people were always ambivalent about monogamy. Others start out monogamous and later realize they need a poly lifestyle to feel happy. All quite normal.
Blame culture. The way we hold up virginity as a virtue in our society is actually counter-intuitive to building a satisfying sex life. Sex is EXPERIENTIAL. We can only know what really turns us on and what turns us off too by doing it. Fantasies about sex and realities about sex are two very different things — because in fantasies, we write the whole script and in real life, every partner is a learning experience. So if we enter marriage as virgins, we may not know what to expect, much less what is normal for ourselves. It may work out delightfully for you anyway (miracles do happen!) — or it may crash and burn the relationship. An inexperienced person may come to feel that they need more experiences, different experiences, and that can only be had by — TA-DA! — new experiences.
The wrong O: when you have an orgasm that isn’t as good as you hoped and you end up feeling disappointed or depressed.
Well, dammit, last night I tried out a new sex toy and, boop, it was so good, I was done in my body before I was done in my head. That is just one example of “the wrong O” — I wanted it to last longer and take me higher, maybe even make me groan a bit.
The orgasm that doesn’t give you the kind of climax you wanted is a very common glitch. Often it’s simply a result of fatigue, sometimes it’s feeling distracted, and other times, it’s the heck if we know, it just happens.
PE (premature ejaculation) can be a temporary glitch. So can its opposite — needing a very long time to climax. Both of these orgasmic issues are typically caused either by the surrounding circumstances or by your self-image and emotions at the moment.
Clinically speaking, of course, there is no wrong kind of orgasm. They’re all good for you. But in case you’ve worried why some orgasms are less satisfying than others, please know it’s a normal body glitch, and if you stop worrying about it, the next time will probably be back to the usual ecstasy. Try, try again.
TFT — when you’re Too Fucking Tired to have sex
Self-explanatory and all too real. Clients will report that they are always too tired for sex. They think it’s the relationship, perhaps a health condition. Before I send them to their doctor for a check-up, I ask them the vital questions: how much sleep do they get? how much stress do they have all day? what does their diet look like? I take a baseline evaluation of their personal habits to see if anything is slowing them down in bed. Most times, it turns out to be a lack of sleep in general. Sometimes, it’s the stress they carry.
Occasionally, they are TFT for sex because they are depressed about the sex they are having and sleep helps them avoid confronting the issue. Depression in itself is tiring.
So I’ll repeat what physicians tell us again and again: we need regular sleep and a healthy diet to stay fit. We must also work on lowering our stress. These basics have consequences for our sexual performance. Meanwhile, if you are harboring sadness or anxiety about your sex life, confronting it and working on it are the best remedies.
Stressfucked: when stress prevents your brain from producing sex chemicals
I research a ton about stress because stress is a major deterrent to optimum sexual performance. Sure, some people use sex (and overuse sex) to medicate stress, but that can lead to a range of other, messier emotional problems. Avid reading of medical literature makes it clear that stress can be a sex-life killer, whose effects don’t begin and end with your conscious experience of stress. They take root in your core mental and physical health.
MBD: the Mind/Body divide. When your body and mind are not connecting.
Nowhere in human behavior is a mind/body divide more manifest than in sex. Sex is often where the subconscious pours out of us. If you’re struggling with shame, anxiety, trauma, and other emotional pain in your head, your body may not think you are ready to be vulnerable and will shut down your performance and responses.
Conversely, when someone/something arouses you, if the brain knows it’s a bad choice to do anything about it you may avoid intimacy or even flee.
For most people, the Mind/Body divide is fleeting and situational. For some, though, it’s chronic and creates internal conflicts and relationship damage. If it’s chronic, you will need a trusted guide to help you re-integrate and balance your mind with your desires.
The stymies: when you crave a better sex life, but all your options seem too complicated.
Most people do not act on their desire to find someone who can sexually please them more than a current partner. Some people should, but instead, convince themselves that their life is too complicated, their relationship has too much history, or their families will not accept it. Hey, they may be right.
But is it fair for them to give up sexual happiness for the sake of what others may think of them? There is no one answer. Fairness may cede to duty and obligation. Reason may cede to beliefs. I want you to know that you have the power of choice. If you want it bad enough, if you are living a half-life, it’s better to figure out what you really need and go after it, than to go to the grave believing you never had the life you wanted and deserved.
Disattracted: when you feel you should be more attracted to someone than you actually are
Have you ever met someone and thought “why don’t I feel attracted to this lovely person?” Have you ever thought you were somehow less sexually robust than other people because not everyone turns you on, even when they’re technically beautiful?
For now, this remains a mystery, but one thing is sure: it’s all about your sexual chemistry, in a very real sense. Think of it as the opposite of kinkdar and gaydar: those forces that make us feel more drawn to someone we seem unconsciously to know is a potential “mating opportunity” (as they call it in the zoological world) because they share our sexuality. It’s the same thing, only in reverse. And it’s likely genetic.
One day sex scientists will know. Right now, we simply know that your brain senses that an encounter will not work out to your satisfaction and your body says, “oh hmph, what a pity.” It’s so normal.
Situational softness/ dryness: when you thought you’d have great sex with someone but you can’t get aroused because of RL circumstances
I coined that term a dozen years ago when I had a flood of men coming to me, afraid they were impotent because the Internet told them so. I gave them my rule of thumb: if you can masturbate to orgasm, with a full erection, you are not impotent.
There are a ton of reasons why a person won’t get hard or wet with a partner, ranging from fatigue to alcohol, and dozens of emotional issues, including everything listed above. Don’t flip out! Even if it becomes chronic, please know there are ways to restore function if you should need help. I’ve had great success helping people to overcome the emotional struggles that dampen libido and interfere with performance.
Normalize Sex Problems
Go ahead and notice that once you’ve got names for sex problems, they don’t seem as scary. Now you know that sex blips and glitches are common phenomena. If they happen occasionally, rest assured you’re in the same boat as millions of other adults and move on. If they’re chronic, get the treatment you deserve. See a sex therapist who can evaluate the kind of support and guidance you need to see positive change.
My door is always open.
