Today let’s tackle one of the most problematic paradoxes in BDSM: that a submissive/bottom can be in ecstasy one minute and in misery the next after a powerful kink experience. This phenomenon is called Sub Drop.
While it is not a universal experience it is common enough that we need to understand
- what it is
- how it works
- how we can prevent the worst effects
- how to manage it when it happens
To get a range of voices on the subject, I interviewed experienced BDSMers to share their stories.
Defining Sub Drop
At its most basic, it’s a feeling of physically or mentally (and often both) collapsing inwardly after kink or fetish play into a dark and moody place. But Sub Drop is as complicated as the people who experience it. For some, playing may trigger negative memories and shake them deeply. The loss/surrender of power leaves a sense of emptiness and shame in people who are conflicted about kink. For some, secret guilt about their desires may blossom into a depressive episode after they explore.
There’s also a natural physical drop when the energy high evaporates. It can feel like crashing to earth after a voyage to the stars.
MA: Sub drop is a huge thing for me. I’m very much up in my head all the time and so I look for intense BDSM scenes, especially impact play, to drag me out of it. Whenever I find myself in subspace it’s a HUGE rush of endorphins and I’m blissed out for hours, days almost. But when that wave subsides, I feel the absence just as strongly. I HAVE to work hard to remind myself that my feelings of dark worthlessness are mainly chemical and not the truth. I usually end up escaping into sleep, which goes a long way to alleviate it.
How to Prepare as a Sub
The best way to start a scene, whether long or short, heavy or light, is to feel confident it’s what you want.
Be bold but not too impulsive. Talk to people, and see if you feel a click with them. Don’t go along with the crowd or get over-excited by a sexy atmosphere. And definitely don’t experiment under pressure from others. Be sure that you are making this choice for your own reasons and own it.
Notice how “SC” has learned what he needs
SC: I have experienced extreme sub drop when I’ve played just to scratch the itch, as opposed to when a connection exists with a partner.
As a male sexual submissive, or bottom at least, it has never been easy for me to find femdom partners, especially in the days before the internet. However, the lack of opportunity never did anything to diminish the hungers and desires within. Because of this, I often found myself playing, or engaging sexually, with women who I was not really attracted to, and with whom I had no desire to spend time with other than in sexual/BDSM play.
Over the years and decades, I became increasingly aware of the intense drop into deep depression, if not disgust, after playing, especially after having an orgasm. In some cases I felt disgusted with myself as I left subspace, and in others, I felt guilty for having used or exploited another. I often felt a combination of these feelings. I should add, that these feelings of disgust or depression did not have anything to do with the acts performed or participated in, but rather, with who I engaged in them with. I do not recall dropping like this when I felt a genuine connection of at least a friendship with the woman involved. I also felt these things to a much lesser degree, if at all, when I believed my partner and I had balanced expectations, and neither of us were expecting, or hoping for, more a few hours of play and escape. Over time, the recognition of these feelings led to a decrease in acting on my hungers, but I would still occasionally feel the need to “scratch the itch” so to speak. It has now been almost five years since I last scratched the itch, because I can no longer fool myself into thinking the few hours of pleasure will not cost way more of an emotional price than I am willing to pay.
Did you notice how he learned about himself? He learned that playing “just to scratch an itch” really didn’t work for him and led to a massive sub drop. Knowing yourself is essential to mitigating negative side effects. This might mean getting pickier about partners. It could mean working with a therapist on your triggers. It could even mean learning to keep better daily habits to keep you at your strongest. Prevention can be a vital part of preparedness.
Physical Preparedness
Prepare your body for BDSM.
Make sure you (a) had enough rest or sleep, (b) eat healthy that day, and (c) are well-hydrated. If you could add to this routine a couple of calming exercises of your choice (meditation, breathing, affirmations, walking, stretching) even better!
Yup, those bottom-line basics of stress reduction count when you’re heading into an intense physical experience. Stress can make it difficult to surrender because it puts your body in fight mode. Similarly, if you have to struggle with fatigue or thirst just to get through a scene, it may be harder to endure as well. No surprise that you’ll feel a huge energy drop and emotional exhaustion when your body wasn’t on your side from the start.
Minding the basics will help your body stay on track.
Mental Preparedness
Take the time to get into a good state of mind. Tough and optimistic. An ego state where you know what you like and feel good about it. A positive mindset will help you maintain your perspective before, during, and after.
How do you do that? Before you start the scene – remember why you’re doing it. What you love about it. Why you’ve been searching for this.
If that’s hard for you, then be extra selective about partners. You’ll need the support of a kind dom who won’t pressure you and will pay attention to your well-being by checking on you during and after play.
As SC and RA noted, sometimes the missing link for a good ego state is really about the partner you pick. Find someone who affirms you, who accepts you as you are, and who religiously abides by safe words.
Emotional Preparedness
Contrary to popular belief, submission is not for wimps. It’s for strong and courageous people who are willing to take risks. That includes entrusting someone else with their submission.
It’s crucial to emotionally prepare for the reality that different partners mean different play styles, different limits, and different expectations. That means you may not feel what you expected to feel. So ask yourself if you are really ready for this ride. I’ve worked with many a client who was angry or frustrated that they didn’t get the scene in their head when they played with new people. Experienced players understand that problem, which is often why they negotiate before they play.
It’s also crucial to feel pretty good about yourself going into a BDSM play session. It’s a time when you can set your self-doubts aside and follow the leader, knowing that your submission pleases them. Playing from a place of mistrust or negativity is a risk factor for Sub Drop. During play you may not realize it because of the endorphin highs. But when the natural high evaporates, your psyche may plunge into the depths of negativity.
Emotionally prepare as best you can. Do affirmations. Set realistic expectations. Acknowledge your vulnerabilities and protect them by letting the top/dom know what you need to come down safely.
Preventing Sub Drop as a Dom
Some experienced dominants weighed in to share the protocols they and their subs follow to mitigate sub drop.
BD: Of my girls, one doesn’t drop, two drop the following day, and the fourth drops at 36 hours. They all benefit from check-in at the right interval in order not to feel abandoned, etc.For a while, I did weekender-type relationships and learned not to do intense play on Sunday with someone who needed my presence to cope with it on Monday.
LE: My s-types do and we find that drinking lots of water and eating things with protein afterward really helps a lot (better than giving into sugar consumption).
TS: When I’m doing a harsh scene with elements of abuse – humiliation, degradation, consensual non-consent; I like to make a clear break from fantasy to reality. Like the lights coming on in the movie theater to bring you back to regular consciousness. Turn up the lights, change my voice, cover their body. To make that clean transition. I don’t want them staying in that altered state, it can lead to sub drop.
Notice these three strategies doms use with partners- 1) Not doing a scene when the dom won’t be available the next day. Sometimes the sub will need to talk about the experience and get support from the dom. 2) Seeing that the sub drinks water and eats protein. Remember that an intense physical experience can be very draining. So, make sure the body has the sustenance it requires to bounce back. 3) It can help to end the scene definitively, with words or actions. The dom can then guide a sub out of their altered state of mind and back to their normal conscious state and comfort zone.
Aftercare
Aftercare is crucial to managing Sub Drop! A sub can ask for it if their partner doesn’t instinctively offer it.
Partners can set up a protocol for aftercare. For example, try using a care word to go along with a safe word. A care word could mean “hug me now” or “I need affirmation” or just “help I haz the sads!”
What Does Aftercare Look Like?
From a sub’s perspective, it should look like a period of calm, care, affirmation, and affection.
In other words, a series of things you would find personally soothing to help you come down from the intensity and land softly. It may be provided by the person who dommed you, by members of your chosen family, or by friends. As long as you trust them to help you, it’s all good. If you need food or water, ask for it. If you need a long hug — or if you prefer not to be touched — let them know. Your goal is to ride out the wave of mixed emotions in a state of tranquility and safety.
Check out this well-researched piece by SkyeWriter. I Just Had A Great Scene…So Why Do I Feel So Bad? , available for free on FetLife (quoted here with author’s permission):
Immediately post-scene: if at all possible, don’t get up too quickly after a scene. Lay still, breathe, rest. Depending upon your preferences, get warm or cool. Breathe some more. Get some fluid–water or a sports drink, preferably (avoid alcohol at this point). If you feel weak, some orange slices or a bit of chocolate may help. This is also the time when someone should be providing “tend and befriend” services for you–your Dom, your top, even a close friend. What that looks like will vary from person to person, but it may include things like cuddling, holding, being close, quiet soothing or talking, or just fetching the other things you need at the moment. Overall, this should be a time for you to be as still and quiet as you need to be–it’s usually not the time for a review of the scene, a discussion of emotions, or anything like that.
If you cannot have this post-scene time immediately, get it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Sub Drop Is Part of the Journey
There is no one way to eliminate the possibility of post-play blues permanently. Sometimes people didn’t prepare for play. Or they prepared but coming down from the glorious endorphins triggered sadness. It’s a very individual experience. But you can figure out the root causes and learn how to reduce your risk of dropping hard.
And it must be added that if you have mental health issues, a mood disorder, or if you carry shame about your need for kink, drops may always be harder for you than for others. Make sure you have trusted friends, relatives, or a therapist to lean on, someone(s) who will not judge you for your kinky adventures.
Please understand that you aren’t alone. We have all walked this path. We have all been overwhelmed at times in our explorations of the edges of eros. Give yourself permission to have perfectly normal reactions to intense BDSM experiences. Learn what you can from it –about yourself, your body, and your partners. It’s all part of the long journey to ultimate self-knowledge.
