“Subs have all the power.” If you’ve been in BDSM for a while, you’ve heard that a thousand times.
It’s what many people tell mainstream journalists to assure them subs are fundamentally safe. They say “subs have all the power” because they can stop things with a safe word. It sounds right when we use it to assure non-kinky types that BDSM is perfectly safe.
It’s comforting. We say it to assure bottoms that no one will take them further than they legitimately want to go. Subs just have to say the magic word, and they’ll be sprung free without question.
But is it really true?
Technically, maybe. But functionally it is never quite so simple. It depends on the context. It depends on the people involved and their moral conscience. Sometimes, lines blur, causing people to wonder if they are in a healthy balanced BDSM relationship or an abusive one.
So let’s deconstruct that platitude with five BDSM experiences that may rob a sub of choice.
Blanket Consent
The first exception to the rule is when a sub offers blanket consent. In other words, they agree to a relationship where they will be a slave or submissive with few if any rights. They may not even use safewords. For most doms, blanket consent is a concept, not something we test to its limits. In other words, we know we can do anything but we prioritize our partner’s safety and well-being. We also try to make sure they have a great time.
Blanket consent is often the nature of a Master/slave relationship that follows strict protocols set by the Master. If the couple’s worked it out right, it can flow beautifully and passionately for the duration of their relationship. The sub’s needs are fulfilled by having a structure imposed by a beloved authority figure. They evolve together to form the right codes and habits that work for them both.
Yet, I’ve also seen lifestyle slaves who are unhappy with their Mistresses/Masters because they aren’t getting what they signed up for. Instead of their desired spiritual journey into slavery, they have a dysfunctional relationship punctuated by BDSM sex. But they agreed to blanket consent and feel trapped. They promised “full control,” and now, even though it sucks for them, they feel powerless to leave.
No-Limit Subs
Just as bad is when naïve subs try to hook up with dominants by telling them “you can do anything to me.” Most experienced tops take that to mean the person doesn’t know what their limits are and therefore may not be safe to play with. But some tops are turned on by the mere thought of it and take them on. The outcome? Usually, it’s fine, and the top is still quite respectful and kind. But occasionally it is exactly what you should fear it is: a predator taking advantage of a naïve sub.
Either way, if a sub gives blanket consent, they have technically forfeited the right to say no (or “pineapple,” if you’re of a fruity disposition). That means that the myth of “the sub has all the power” doesn’t apply here at all.
Sub Space
Sub Space is the delicious state of disassociation when a flood of brain chemicals puts the sub into ecstasy. It is the triple whammy of deeply-felt submission: emotions, mind, and visceral feelings together create a kind of stupor of bliss. You may compare it to a Zen state; an intense gaming state; or even a hypnotic state. It may end shortly after the scene ends or it may extend into a 24/7 relationship in a more low-key but constant experience.
The question of consent in sub space
The much-debated question is how much Sub Space influences a sub’s ability to say no. The concern is that once in Sub Space, people are less capable of making informed choices because the skeptical, critical parts of their brains are quieted during the rush of sensations in their bodies. They know they can’t stop anything if they don’t speak up, but they don’t want to risk breaking the bubble of bliss if they do. They may well be so deep that they lack the capacity to do so.
Technically, even in Sub Space, a submissive person may recognize that the dom is pushing them too hard or giving them pain they can’t handle. But functionally, it’s usually only when Sub Space breaks — and the person consciously accepts they are having a serious problem — that they are capable of using their safe word. By then, it’s possible they already had too much and they may feel abused or used.
So what’s a sub to do? Allow themselves to go into Sub Space, knowing their appetites may lead them into trouble? Or avoid experiencing ecstasy out of fear that the dom may exceed their limits?
Either way, we all know it’s hard, for a very wide range of reasons (including sheer stubbornness), for some subs to use their safe words when they should. So who really has the power then?
Sub Drop
Sub Drop is when a sub feels emotionally drained after the highs of Sub Space fade away. It can happen almost instantaneously when a scene ends or it can build into a lasting bad feeling. Want to know one of the dangers? It can lead to worrying about whether the experience was even consensual.
How sub drop works
The psychology (and physiology) behind Sub Drop is complex. One factor includes the sub’s own emotional and physical state that day. For example, they may come into it weary and dehydrated and end up panicking. Or there may have been something about their play that triggered a negative memory. Or shame creeps up on them and makes them angry or disgusted, with themselves and/or the dominant. Sometimes the high followed by the low in endorphins and feel-good chemicals hits like a punch to the stomach that makes a sub anxious or depressed. In effect, it’s like crashing after a feel-good drug.
Was it even consensual?
Anything can and does happen if Sub Drop is intense enough, including a sub wondering whether they really consented to everything they just did, and feeling angry about that. Sub Drop can completely change the narrative from “that was a great experience” to “why did you do that to me, you monster?”
Needless to say, the less emotionally prepared someone is for the potential intensity of BDSM, and certainly, the less emotionally stable they feel deep down, the more likely they are to have a meltdown after a kink experience. Whether or not they technically had a safe word, emotionally they don’t feel as if they had the power to stop what was happening.
This can cause confusion even when the top was respecting their limits (I am not referring to cases of consent violations!) Perhaps the sub was too internally conflicted to use a safe word, or maybe their top did not give them the aftercare they needed to feel safe and centered again. Whatever the cause, Sub Drop can make subs question whether their limits were respected. If they feel upset enough, they may trash the top, even if they originally consented to what the top wanted.
Bottom line – if a sub winds up uncertain as to whether they really gave informed consent, they’re not going to feel like they had the power at all. (Learn how to manage and prevent bad outcomes in my upcoming blog post.)
Performative Play
It’s normal to get more excited and ready to play when one is at a club, but then there’s a level beyond that—Performative Play.
Ok, I just made this term up, but it’s based on my decades of observation that how people act in public BDSM spaces does not always reflect how they act at home. A quick example: a client I’ll call Patty was seeing me because her dominant husband, Bob (also a pseudonym), only acted kinky when they were out at BDSM clubs.
Bobbing for points
In public spaces, Bob walked the walk, talked the talk, and wore the uniform of a powerful 24/7 Master, while she played the role of happy slave, also eager for the status it gave her among her sub friends. At their monthly club party, he gave her fancy whippings, showing off his skills on her as if she was a piece of meat. Sometimes she could eroticize being a piece of meat.
But, most of the time, she felt confused and powerless. She enjoyed the physical sensations, but it was the pain of knowing he would go to sleep in another room when they got home that she couldn’t handle. She was afraid to use her safe word in public because it might make him look bad or make her look like a wimp.
In truth, Bob’s only dominant act in private was occasionally ordering her to give him oral sex. Meanwhile, Patty cooked, did all the household chores, cared for their pets, and was the breadwinner too. She knew he was a hypocrite — but she felt just as hypocritical for propping up their relationship in public. Functionally, Patty was part servant, part cash cow, and 100% pissed about it.
The problem with Bobs
There are tops who use the handle “Master” or “Mistress” primarily to gain kink status, who put on a show to bolster their ego and reputation, but who don’t naturally enjoy living dom outside of public spaces. This can leave a committed lifestyle sub pretty high and dry. Frustrated. Angry. Deeply self-doubting. The more disempowered they feel, the more they internalize shame until they feel too weak to leave.
Having the power to leave but being unable to use it is no different from having no power at all.
Top’s Disease
Top’s Disease is when a top believes they are the most — sometimes even the only — important person in the relationship. Maybe they’ve bought into all the compliments they’ve received when they threw a whip. Or they may be fixated on some porn version of what “Master/slave” is supposed to look like. Possibly they’re just a self-centered egotist who sees submissives as interchangeable widgets.
Either way, tops who show a lack of sensitivity to subs’ needs and feelings are lousy dominants, even if they can be exciting as sadists. (UNTIL they are not.)
I once worked with a client whose Master had an extreme case of Top’s Disease. He micro-managed her. He made all decisions about everything.
Ella’s Story
She had never agreed to that level of control. Why did she accept it? Because he told her that’s what his former slaves learned to love. He made her believe that was where she needed to go to satisfy him and she craved to make him happy.
He also monitored her 24/7 with video cams in every room of their home — something that made her deeply uncomfortable and which she never agreed to. His excuse was that it was for her own safety. He wanted to be sure she was okay when he was traveling for work.
In truth, he monitored her as often as he could. Even when he was home in another room. While she thought she had total privacy to work with me, he was listening in, something I realized only when he asked to speak to me to correct some complaints she made during a session — things she later told me she never shared with him. Well, well, well. A spy in therapy space! Doesn’t that open a whole new can of worms?!
His style of domination included making her feel bad for not being a “true submissive” (insert therapist scream) and pushing her to serve him by making her feel bad about herself. He even blamed his non-consensually sadistic use of dildos on her refusal to relax enough so he could just slide them in. He actually made her believe that she had somehow forced him to painfully penetrate her bum because she refused to relax.
Fortunately, there are not a lot of people like that out there. Often, they hide their personal lives from view. Technically, they said they were in a consenting relationship with safe words. Functionally, she was too nervous to use safe words because he made her feel like she wasn’t really submissive if she did.
The Pitfall of Top’s Disease
That’s one way an abusive relationship can happen. In theory, the sub has all the power. But the top pushes the boundaries, little by little. One act at a time, the sub accepts their diminished role. Eventually, they’re in a relationship where they have no say and no one’s looking out for them. By that point, the idea of safewording out, or simply leaving, is practically unthinkable. They’ve been conditioned to accept it.
True, all that certainly happens in non-kinky relationships. But when Top’s Disease is involved, a bad top can abuse the power dynamics of a power exchange relationship, creating an abusive relationship while convincing their partner that this is what “real” power exchange is supposed to be.
Call it what it is – domestic abuse.
Stay Safe
BDSM is not a perfect world. Why? Because it’s filled with PEOPLE, that’s why. You know what people are like, don’t you?
Stay safe and keep your wits about you. Don’t give blanket consent to anyone until you’ve known them long enough to trust that they’ll honor your safewords and treat your limits with respect. Don’t stay in a relationship you feel is exploiting your submissiveness. If you don’t know your limits, make sure you choose a dom who will gently explore them with you, and not force you into scenes you are not ready for. A good dom opens you up to exciting new experiences — a bad dom forces you to have unwanted ones. And, if you feel trapped, get support from friends and get out!
Subs can have power when they are in the right situation with the right people. Someone who gives as much emotional support as they get, someone who values your happiness as much as their own. That’s the kind of dom who will hear you, listen to you, and stop when something feels bad.
Safe words alone cannot protect you. The sub’s power to stop an encounter is not always a given. Yes, a good sub and dom connection means subs have the power to let us know when to ease up. How many subs, functionally, have that power? Not nearly as many as should.
Sometimes, the only way a sub can get their power back is to leave.
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Need help with your BDSM relationship? I have a couple of new openings in my therapy practice. All adults are welcome. Write me at gloria@gloriabrame.com
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