Leaving a Toxic Relationship part 2 – How to Exit Safely

I Know Toxic

My first time leaving a toxic relationship, the guy I escaped stalked me for years. Another threatened to kill me. He staked out the safe space I’d fled to with a gun in his car.

As you can imagine, those experiences created all kinds of chaos for me. Where would I live? How would I live? How would I afford to live? Would I ever find love again?

The stress turned me into someone I barely recognize today — someone confused, ashamed, frightened, depressed. I felt powerless against their rage at my leaving. And even before I became a femdom, I really hated feeling powerless with men.

So I learned. While I can’t say my later break-ups with difficult people were easy-breezy, they didn’t cause me trauma either. I learned to plan my departure carefully. I learned to build up emergency funds. It turns out that planning things out in advance gives you a much smoother road to freedom.

Since then, I’ve passed along these strategies to clients desperate to break up with someone but fearful of the consequences. I’ve guided dozens of adults step by step, saved a couple of lives, and helped the others make clean breaks without hardship. This is the life wisdom I’m sharing here today.

Leaving a Toxic Relationship is Hard

There’s no pretty way to put it. If your partner is a toxic person, they will not make it easy for you to escape.

In my case study on Barb, you’ll note there was no threat of violence in her relationship. You’d think that would be enough for her to feel safe about leaving him. It never is. All victims of domestic abuse — whether it’s physical or emotional abuse — feel disempowered, trapped, and often scared about all the “what ifs”.

I prepare people in two ways: first, the concrete, logical steps they should take. That approach centers on building a full-blown plan rather than throwing your stuff in a car and getting a room for the night. Better to work through these steps. That way you’re ready for what can come.

Second, how to protect their (and their kids’) safety with some tips on how to de-escalate drama or threats should they occur. I’ve saved a few lives by preparing them for worst-case scenarios and teaching them how to avoid landmines.

First Comes the Mindset

The more you plan out the entire process of leaving, the easier it will be.

Don’t Leave Until You Know You’d Be Happier

Do this exercise before you plan anything: ask yourself – do you think you’d be happier if you left and never found someone else?

Mull that question over. Be honest with yourself. Don’t make a plan to leave if you still see the value of staying with your partner. Why? Because when you’re unsure about leaving, you’re at the highest risk of going back to them. That’s a huge waste of energy and money – and you’d be training yourself to accept defeat.

You must be sure within yourself that if you end up alone for years (or even life), you’ll still be happier. Once you achieve that clarity, you need a plan of action.

Cut yourself some slack. You might need time to make all the arrangements. While under some conditions leaving immediately is the course of wisdom, it will be far easier if you have a plan.

Create an Exit Plan

The more thought and effort you put into your plan for leaving a toxic relationship, the more in charge you’ll feel about the process. It can be a train wreck when people leave suddenly. They may realize there were things they forgot to take, or have taken things the courts may not think they should have taken. They may realize they have no good place to go.

To avoid that, do the following.

1. Start documenting every shitty thing they do and say as best you can. This will help your lawyer if there will be a divorce and/or a child custody case. Don’t dramatize or elaborate: a lawyer can only work with facts.
2. When you have some documentation, start calling around. If you can’t afford a lawyer, every county in the US will have “pro bono” (free) lawyers who handle Family Law cases. Visit this page to start your search. Otherwise, find the best lawyer you can pay for. Call at least 2-3 lawyers before you pick one. Don’t wait until you need one urgently. Line one up to be ready to roll when you are.
3. Start browsing real estate ads. Figure out what things cost in the neighborhood you want to move to. Set realistic financial goals for yourself to afford a decent place. Start putting some money away so you can buy the necessities when you get there.
4. If you can’t afford to buy or rent, start calling friends and relatives who have an extra room where you could crash until you can get on your feet. Try your best to pick wisely: if you feel miserable where you go, it will only make you miss the comforts of the home you shared with your ex.

In sum, have a lawyer ready to call; save any money you can; find a decent, relaxing place to go.

Preventing Worst-Case Scenarios

The man who threatened to kill me was ordinarily non-violent. The relationship was toxic because of his emotional abuse. When I fled one day while he was at work, he snapped. He turned into the stalker with the gun in his car.

While I’m certainly not taking responsibility for his actions, looking back, I wish I had made some different choices. Since then, I’ve learned better ways to manage risk when leaving a toxic relationship. Here are effective techniques for emotionally disengaging prior to leaving. These have worked for the clients I’ve guided through the leaving process.

1. In the months or weeks leading up to your planned departure, start “gray rocking.” This technique works wonderfully well with narcissists and communicates the important message that you will no longer engage in whatever sick dynamic they’ve trapped you into. Gray rocking (please read the link if you need it!) sets the stage for your departure and gives them a monotone but rational feedback they can’t really fight.
2. Resist any and all temptations to communicate with them, no matter how hard they may try to communicate with you. No late-night calls made — or accepted. If they contact you, mute them. Don’t read their social media feeds. Avoid thinking about them – if you signed up for the newsletter, you know the rubber band technique – use it. Get busy building a new life, a life so good that in a couple of years, you’ll reap the full benefits of being free of that toxic relationship!
3. Finally, stop fighting with them. It’s over. Don’t argue with them or challenge them. Don’t seek revenge. Avoid the temptation to unload your frustrations on them. Just get the hell out and stay out. You may think you’re winning by doing or saying ugly things, but their retaliation to your words could be fatal. To you. Conserve your energy and invest it in creating a bright future for yourself.