A client recently told me that they’re dating someone with personality issues — and who believes that BDSM play would be better than therapy to fix those issues. Er…let’s just say it’s not going very well.
You’ve probably heard or read about people who have heralded the idea that doing BDSM is their substitute for going to therapy. So if you or someone you know has been wondering if BDSM can iron out life or relationships, learn the difference between actual therapy and the potential therapeutic relief of BDSM.
Therapy v. Therapeutic Effects
Therapy is a process. It takes a deep dive into your life by someone who was trained to do that work.
A therapist digs into your personal history and develops insights into the events and forces that shaped your self-image today. A skilled therapist knows how to guide you to redefine yourself in a new light.
As you find new ways to think about yourself, your brain responds and begins rebuilding your sense of self, helping you to unpack emotional baggage and sort it out in rational, more adult ways. Brain imaging studies have shown the beneficial results of consistent therapy.
In therapy, it can take weeks, months, or even years, to process all the insights and new perspectives you gained from talk therapy. I’ve had clients who finish a course of therapy with me, leave feeling happy, and then contact me years later to let me know they are even happier because they continue to use the tools and insights from our therapy to shape their life choices.
How Therapy Works
Talk therapy gives you the opportunity to put feelings and experiences into words by being asked penetrating questions. Sometimes, you’ve never said those words out loud. You may even reveal experiences you’ve never discussed before. When you work with someone who can ask the right questions, and directs you towards self-compassion and self-esteem, you can move forward out of mental traps that have held you back.
Behavioral therapy — a key component of sex therapy– helps you to make positive changes. You get coaching and homework to take baby steps forward toward the life you want. Eventually, those steps add up to major improvements in your life, including overcoming negative behaviors and building healthier relationships.
As you consciously implement your new understandings, your subconscious keeps processing new discoveries. It is the processing that leads to permanent changes in your life. Your brain is silently working to heal and rewire itself to a new normal. You become connected with your authentic potentials, while anxiety and depression give way to self-confidence and optimism about your ability to cope with life.
Ultimately, therapy can reverse the impact of traumas and anxiety on the brain.
BDSM Is Therapeutic, not Therapy
Pay attention to the “ic” — that suffix means “resembling” or “related to. A good workout can be therapeutic because it pumps up your dopamine. An orgasm is therapeutic because it floods you with a range of feel-good brain chemicals. Almost anything you love doing can be therapeutic if it relieves stress and boosts your mood.
Similarly, a BDSM session can deliver psychological relief. People who have no outlets for their kinks find that having a real-life experience is therapeutic. It relieves the stress of suppressed needs and desires. It provides a delightful escape from daily life. Athletics, yoga practice, spiritual pursuits, and journaling are similarly therapeutic. Pleasurable escapes from your 24/7 responsibilities and stress factors are important to managing stress.
They still, however, only scratch the surface of stress. They are, in effect, temporary highs. You may remember that Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps admitted a few years ago that therapy helped him overcome life problems that still brought him down. So even intense exercise does not address underlying problems — such as shame, anxiety, or trauma — that may plague us.
While you can certainly manage stress with your own favorite rituals and activities, it is your brain that does the heavy lifting required to make a permanent change.
Unpack the Confusion
The notion that BDSM is a replacement for therapy likely derives from a misunderstanding of the positive news scientists have published in the past ten+ years. There is now a body of research that shows that people who consistently do BDSM have better relationships and stronger interpersonal skills (you’ll find personal stories about self-evolution and prominent scientific studies in Different Loving Too). We also know that a BDSM play session can have a profoundly therapeutic effect on some people. But here are the good and the bad about using BDSM as therapy.
The Good
People who crave a single experience often gain therapeutic relief from that experience. Whether it was an item to cross off their bucket list or an erotic craving that consumed them, the pleasure of engaging in kink can be profound. Still, it is rare for a single experience to have a lasting positive effect. I’ve personally never seen it, have you? Most day-trippers end up needing more day trips to feel better.
The single greatest therapeutic benefit of BDSM is that adults in long-term BDSM partnerships have better mental health than their non-kinky counterparts. That shouldn’t surprise us! As people learn and grow in the Kink/BDSM worlds, they pick up new tools, and new language, to organize their thinking. We routinely gobble up BDSM books and kink classes. Combine frequent experience and endless opportunities for sex and kink education, and the lessons learned seem to sink deeply into our subconscious.
There are also some limits to what long-term BDSM can do for a person. You won’t see that type of personal growth if you repeatedly have bad experiences with partners; if you can’t overcome your shame about being kinky; or if you feel forced to lead a double life. Instead, kink could make you feel even more depressed or anxiety-ridden because you see yourself failing where others succeed.
The Bad
Some people are curious and think a session will answer their questions. Well, it depends: if they are not ready for the experience, if they don’t fully understand the meaning of consent, that session may frighten them away from kink and leave them traumatized. In a best-case scenario, it is the person who fully understands what they are getting into who benefits. In other words, BDSM is good for BDSMers who are eager for an experience. But BDSM can be traumatic for the curious or for newbies, along with those who haven’t grappled with the meaning of consent or had deep conversations about what to expect.
Also risky is when someone believes that stepping into a role will solve their problems. We all know those doms and subs who believe that if they play a role, they will somehow resolve complicated personal turmoil. We have all met narcissists who thought that by pretending to play a role they can mask their problems. They often end up hurting people who, naturally, feel betrayed when they discover that the person behind the mask is not the person they claimed to be.
My view is that when adults mimic an image in their head of what doms or subs “should be” they never grow their innate potential to become a better version of who they really are. Good therapy/mentoring with a kink-allied professional is a much better path to flourish in ways that benefit them and those around them.
The Dangerous
There are times when conflating BDSM and therapy is self-destructive. Be aware of these risks
- Instead of BDSM being therapeutic, you may feel traumatized because you weren’t prepared for the emotional intensity. It may be a shock to discover that the whipping that looked so hot on a porn site actually wrecks you personally. Or that the humiliation scene you masturbated over makes you feel even worse about yourself.
- You rush into relationships and commitments because you think kink is a magic bullet. When and if something goes wrong, you may feel abused even though you consented to or even asked for it. In truth, you are the unsafe player. Rather than working on your own issues and building knowledge first, you were counting on a miracle.
- You place your trust in the wrong people. You assume that if they present themselves as experienced, they know what they are doing. Instead of rigorously vetting them, you buy into their image and self-promotion. People with low self-esteem are particularly vulnerable. They are by far the most likely to end up with predatory or abusive partners.
Therapy Changes the Brain for the Better
As the most successful clients know, therapy can really suck at moments. Speaking your truth is hard, especially in the beginning. It brings back memories you want to block. It explores flaws and mistakes you’d rather forget. And it’s almost certain to raise uncomfortable questions about your childhood, your familial relationships, and your romantic history.
Yet, to be successful, smart adults know you have to put in the work if you want to change yourself. They know that no matter how difficult it may feel some days, they are on the path to a much better place. They accept that therapy is not a magic bullet. It’s a cumulative effect that slowly permeates your subconscious.
BDSM is not self-work. It’s self-pleasure and fulfillment. And it’s about A JOURNEY! That “journey” we love to talk about is a lifetime achievement, not the result of a session here and there.
If you’ve been considering getting tied up or spanked to solve your problems, please think again. BDSM is no substitute for doing the work with a person who can guide you to the understanding you need.
Further Reading
How Does Psychotherapy Change Our Brains?
Different Loving Too — featuring study citations and interviews with long-time BDSMers reflecting on their personal journeys in kink
photo credit finnnyc@unsplash
