Six years ago, Narrative Paths Journal (NPJ) asked me for an interview. I give a lot of those, but that one was different. . . . and wonderful. It’s rare to have a journalist pick my brain about my theories and perspectives on BDSM and kink sexuality rather than ask about one specific sex behavior or situation. I got to share some of the overarching theories that drive my work. Not just the basics, but the new science and the evolutions in sex cultures.
The editor, Frank, recently asked me for a part 2, and did not fail to make me dive hard once more into my mind. I’m grateful for that opportunity. With his permission, below is the first half of the second interview published in Narrative Paths
Background: Gloria Brame PhD American sexologist, author, educator and writer. She is a member of the American College of Sexologists, and clinical sexologist. Her sex therapy practice specializes in consensual BDSM, sexual fetishism and sexual dysfunction and advocate for safe, sane, and consensual relating, especially among the BDSM, fetish, and LGBTQ communities.
NP: What is the meaning of kinky today? Is kinky an exploited term to gain attention to an uncommon sexual practice? And does such a word change meaning within the context of culture, time, and geography? In different words, what is the effect of language on the sexually acceptable behavior?
Dr. Brame: Today, I define kinky as “any type of consensual non-conformist sex.” I prefer the vagueness of “kinky” to the over-used clinical approach that every aspect of human sexual behavior requires its own label.
What we now call the Kink Communities are a much broader spectrum of interests than what we called the S&M or B&D or D&S culture when I first came out in 1984, when kinky implied BDSM or “whips and chains.” Online debates about our different needs and experience were causing fractures, particularly when a segment of our world insisted there was a “right way” (aka “One True Way” in the parlance of the day) to live BDSM, which of course implied that some of us were gormless wannabes for not conforming to their expectations of how a dom or a sub should act.
Eventually, leaders and politically aware members of the community argued for an umbrella term that distilled bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, and sadomasochism into “BDSM,” which was less explicit about what we do and refocused our energy on community organizing.
Using “BDSM” helped to have a unified voice when dealing with the public and has worked pretty well. But it didn’t credit two significant pillars of our community: Leather (originally a gay male culture, now an allgender welcoming community) and Fetish both played vital roles in creating our kinky groups, institutions, and social identities. So many of us started calling it the “BDSM/Leather/Fetish” community. Pretty damn awkward but it felt more representative of who we were.
Again, over time, it also became obvious there were tons of fetishists and fetishes that didn’t do BDSM or Leather and didn’t want to be identified as such. Furries, sploshers, woolies, wrestling fetishists, Keds fans, AB/DL are just some of the fetishes that have social networks and ethos independent from BDSM. Similarly, while many BDSMers may do poly or swing, polyamory and swinging exist as standalone communities with their own unique identities.
Today “kink” means, more or less, that we acknowledge the overlaps between these marginalized sex and gender communities, we understand the struggle of being different in a sexually conformist world, and we work together to make the “Kink Community” at large a welcoming and safe space.
NP: In your research have you found more couples becoming open to variations in sexual practices in the current social and political climate? Or is it a mixed bag? What are trends in acceptability in different lifestyles and the influence of monied interests? Do the wealthy see themselves as more sexually openminded? Is there a pattern of behavior between one’s politics, money, education, and lifestyle? How would you describe the interplay of politics, religion, media, and sexual behavior today?
Dr. Brame: The kink cat is out of the bag: far more people than ever imagined share a curiosity about creative, non-conformative sex. The Internet has proven that. Studies of porn traffic and search terms show an unquenchable human thirst for alternative sexuality. The data and the simple presence of places like FetLife have helped normalize kink among online surfers as well.
The Internet has also allowed once-hidden communities of kinky people around the world to unite or at least become visible to others. There are thriving BDSM/kink communities in Nigeria, China, Israel, Dubai, Iceland, and many, many other countries. Depending on their political leaders and religious laws, some places have done a much better job of normalizing BDSM interests than the U.S. I’ll note, for example, that Scandinavian countries were the first to remove BDSM as a pathology from their DSM, a visionary step forward that sent ripples around the world’s psychiatric communities.
While religious beliefs, politics, and laws put a huge damper on sexual behavior, the psychobiological drive for kinky/alternative sex crosses all demographic boundaries. In other words, kinky people come from all walks of life, ethnicities, ages, etc. The only difference is that some people feel entitled to engage freely and with joy while others feel ashamed and frightened to act on their needs. That’s not so much a demographic thing but how a person feels about their right to personal happiness – and that is more likely to be shaped by your parents and your self-image than by your demographics.
NP: What one defines as pornography in one culture may be considered a culture of awareness in another? For example, the penis festival (Kanamara Matsuri) in Japan.
Dr. Brame: There is no real international standard of obscenity. The difference between what one culture considers obscene and another culture finds obscene are based on local religious and political beliefs. Religious and state propaganda both set the tone for what any culture believes to be normal and healthy v. what is obscene or immoral. Both are belief-based (not fact-based) systems that attempt to control and redirect sexual impulses, usually for the betterment of the institution, not the people it controls. It makes sense to some degree for a species that would otherwise be so consumed by their innate biological desire for sex that, one might argue, maybe we wouldn’t even have made it to the Stone Age without some taboos in place.
Given that sex taboos are universal, there may be an evolutionary benefit to suppressing our sexual exuberance as primates. And some taboos do promote a safer and more humane society, especially modern laws against child molestation and domestic violence. But have we gone so far that the concept of maintaining an organized and technologically productive civilization (a social good) has been destroyed by propaganda (a social evil)? It’s one thing to protect children and vulnerable populations from sexual assault. There is plenty of scientific evidence of the harm caused by sexual predation.
But it’s overreaching to tell consenting adults what they’re allowed to do in bed with the partner of their choice. Laws that punish adults for normal harmless sex behaviors should be viewed as human rights violations. Whether it’s pornography, sex work, homosexuality, or BDSM, all forms of mutually pleasurable sex should be treated as inalienable human rights. Everything that 2 or more people like doing for fun and pleasure together is normal. What is most definitely NOT normal is to be forced into conformity by institutions under threat of imprisonment or ostracization – although most people are brainwashed from childhood on into believing that such punishments are justified.
It produces cultures of shame and ignorance about sex too. And enormous internal social contradictions, as certain parts of the body or specific sex acts appear to be almost randomly glorified (the penis festival) or degraded (the penis is obscene), depending on what your local or national culture believes. The fix for this is pretty straightforward: evidence-based comprehensive sex ed from youth to adulthood. But you’ll note there is massive hostility among people entrenched in cultural constructs towards teaching sex based on sex science.
NP: Also, are not rituals associated as part of rites of passage truly deviant or unconventional depending on culture?
Dr. Brame: Rites of passage that are traditional to a culture are not deviant. They may, however, be harmful if they are based on the ignorance of our ancients. The ancients didn’t have Google to correct their assumptions. We do. They didn’t have science either. So some traditions must be dismantled and adapted to what we know in the 21st century that we didn’t know in the 9th century.
Continued — read the rest of the interview now
Additional reading
2016 BDSM Interview, Part I https://www.narrativepathsjournal.com/bdsm-bondage-dominance-sadism-masochism-dr-gloria-brame/
