In the first of this 5-part series, I spoke about gender stereotypes that can lead to shame in submissive men. Now let’s talk about dominant men.
In addition to navigating their ways around the creepy conformists encroaching on them in every corner, dominant men usually feel better about themselves despite those traditional narratives because they fit the mold of being dominant men in a male-dominated world. Yet, ironically, they may be weighed down by the same stereotypes but for different reasons (so please make sure to read the first piece.)
Here are some of the more anti-maledom stereotypes echoing from anti-BDSM, TERF, radical feminists, and other anti-sex communities that get male dominance all wrong.
Stereotype: Dominant Men Are Sickos Who Like To See People Suffer
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: All BDSM Masters/Male dominants treat people like whipping posts and doormats.
FACT: Nope. Just nope.
First of all, we have plenty of male doms who aren’t harsh sadists or hard-core dominants. For instance:
We have Daddy Doms — people who are gentle and caretaking by nature, and who assume a caring, parental role with their partners
We have Service Doms — men who chose to engage in BDSM domination because it brings their partner so much joy. Service Doms, in general, are devoted to making their partners happy and agree to give them the experiences they crave.
We have Psychological Doms — people who mainly dominate with their minds. They take a different approach by focusing on structures, rituals, and other acts that do not involve pain or bondage.
We have Sensual Doms — people who prefer silk to leather and fingertips to whips. Some sensual doms enjoy fetish play that centers on sensual fetishes, like foot and body worship, dressing up in fun sexy gear, and other play without necessarily including rough sex.
And then of course we have sadistic masters and hard-core dominants. They partner with masochists, submissives, and bottoms who hunger for intense sensations and mind fucks, those who need heavy play to feel whole.
TAKE AWAY: Dom men are diverse in their style of dominance and the rules they set for the relationships they form. What unifies good male doms is 1) self-control, 2) mutual consent and 3) the ability to create transformative erotic experiences without causing genuine harm to body or mind.
Stereotype: Dominant Men Don’t Care About Their Partners
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: BDSM male dominants are abusive. They don’t really care about their partners’ well-being, they’re only there to use them.
The negative framing makes it seem that adults engaging in consensual kink are dangerous and sleazy. It’s a lie.
FACT: Contrary to the beastly images hung on them, anyone who sticks around BDSM communities long enough sees endless evidence of how many male dominants pay careful attention to their subs’ feelings and thoughts, may dote on their subs, are ready to rescue them from danger, and just so happen to be the only people who can provide submissives the ecstatic experiences they crave. Sometimes dominants fall in love with their partners and marry them or set up a permanent domestic partnership.
For most people in BDSM, finding that special someone (or someones) is a common goal, as is building a full and rich life, having kids or pursuing careers, and experiencing lifelong sexual fulfillment.
TAKE AWAY: Some of the best men in the world are the dominants in the BDSM Scene who operate as caretakers, lovers, team players in a power dynamic, and often as loyal husbands and loving fathers. They may not receive affirmation from a world that judges them, but they are an important core group within our worlds, and may serve as leaders, mentors, and teachers.
By lumping all kinds of sadists, including sociopaths, under the heading of “Master” or “dominant,” the mainstream grossly distorts the reality that Masters and dominants who lead consensual BDSM scenes are ethical, caring people. All around us we see NON-CONSENSUAL male dominance in non-kinky relationships and no one makes a peep about it. For kinksters, though, CONSENT is the gold key that unlocks the potential for deep primal intimacy. The kind of intimacy that goes beyond what society says sex should be. It’s about two people thinking, “wow, this is the wild sex I always wanted!”
Stereotype: Dominant Men Are Emulating Patriarchy
TRADITIONAL NARRATIVE: Dominant men are taking advantage of patriarchal norms and seizing power from weaker-minded people.
FACT: In order to emulate patriarchy, you have to believe in traditional narratives in the first place.
Here’s the difference – patriarchy assumes male dominance. BDSMers negotiate dominance.
In doing so, male doms set themselves far apart from outdated tropes. Some male doms switch; some male doms let their subs run a lot of their lives, even if they are the Master/dom in a sexual context; most male doms negotiate boundaries so that both sides of the power dynamic feel respected.
Male doms may seem patriarchal but this ain’t your grandpa’s patriarchy. Power is neither seized nor assumed. Both sides having a voice in their relationship, and other nuances in the negotiation process are, in fact, 180 degrees away from what patriarchy represents, which is the silencing of women and “outliers” and the assumption that men have the right to rule. No. In BDSM, no one has the right to rule until someone consciously and deliberately grants them that right. Sometimes with written contracts!
TAKE AWAY: BDSMers are educated beyond the norm on the meanings of informed consent and on the value of safewords (and safe signals), safe calls, and aftercare to ensure the people we play with emerge with more bliss than blisters. Even men who get off on sadistic play will limit that play to the people who thirst for that degree of mind/body intensity. Ethical dominants are committed to treating partners as valuable human beings, never as victims.
What makes a good BDSM male dom so great?
— he won’t violate his partner’s boundaries
— he cares about this partner’s enjoyment
— he’s in it for the fun, the adventure, and the pride of being true to himself
— he usually thinks patriarchy is bullshit and has forged his own definition of ethical masculinity
If he upholds BDSM ethics, you can expect a good maledom to be filled with generosity of spirit and a deep sense of loyalty to his partner(s) and his tribe.
NEXT: Fighting Shame for Fetishists
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