The hallmarks of a healthy BDSM relationship are NOT flogging, bondage, and shiny leather. Sorry.
In this blog, we’re going to look at three essential elements that allow a long-term BDSM relationship to thrive.
For context, tens of millions of people around the globe enjoy BDSM. And many of those enjoy committed relationships based on power exchange. It’s great when you find the person who can fulfill your fantasies AND fill your heart. That’s a solid path to profoundly fulfilling relationships.
But then there are also a worrisome number who are simply not up to the relationship challenges of BDSM. Why not? Because they haven’t yet developed the soft skills – communication, truthfulness, and caring.
I picked just these three key aspects to illustrate what healthy BDSM relationships look like. There are more, but these three are the cornerstones of a healthy BDSM dynamic.
Communication is Vital to Healthy BDSM
Are you constantly censoring yourself with your partner because you want to avoid conflict? Do you hesitate to ask questions of them or to broach touchy subjects? Does your voice get drowned out by them when you try to draw something to their attention?
Poor or insufficient communication in BDSM can spell doom to a relationship. Communication gaps carve tiny rifts. They slowly become the norm and lead to serious misunderstandings between partners. Those misunderstandings turn into fights, frustration, and even consent violations. If your partner or you can’t express your feelings and needs, the tiny rifts will inevitably become the chasms that separate you.
What Does Good Communication Look Like?
At the heart of a healthy BDSM relationship are open dialogues among partners. They know how to negotiate together. They are able to address even the most delicate topics knowing that their partner(s) will be able to listen to their truths and to answer their questions or concerns with an open heart.
If you can’t communicate well, can you even grant or receive informed consent? Nope.
Truthfulness
A basic principle of life for BDSMers is that once they are out about themselves, they aim to live their truths. Those truths don’t apply only to doing kinky things together or wearing leather in public. It’s a mode of being with a partner that lets all the secrets out of the bag, particularly in close relationships.
A Spy in the House
I once had a client who believed she had found the perfect dominant. He seemed very honest and insisted that she provide full disclosure about herself. She thought that meant he followed that principle himself — until she accidentally discovered that he had installed cameras throughout their home and watched her on his phone whenever he was out of the house. It could have been a sexy set-up if she had consented to it in the first place. Discovering that he was spying on her without her knowledge broke their trust.
Superior Seduction, Inferior Results
Another client dated a self-proclaimed dom. While he wooed her, he told her about all the kinky events they’d attend, how he would train her and all the hot kinky adventures they’d have together.
Shoot ahead one year later: they hadn’t gone anywhere, she wore his collar and did house chores for him, but he lost interest in doing BDSM with her and only wanted blow-jobs and unquestioning obedience. She didn’t dare to confront him about the empty promises that convinced her to become his sub in the first place.
How is Truthfulness a Part of Healthy BDSM?
Whether you’re dom, sub, switch, or something else, the healthiest BDSM relationships are a No-Bullshit zone. No lies or manipulations, no pretending you are someone you are not. If you can’t trust someone to be fully honest about themselves, you can’t trust them emotionally either.
Mutual Caring in BDSM
There is an old chestnut in the BDSM Scene, carried over from early, pre-SSC days, that dominants shouldn’t love their slaves/subs. It is a rotten chestnut. That only works for certain kinds of tops and bottoms — those who have other primary relationships, for example. But most of us hope to find not just a good play partner but a love-match all in one. The relationship may not be romantic in a traditional sense, but there is a real and vibrant sense of caring between the partners that goes both ways.
What’s a Healthy Balance of Caring?
In some respects, we are not entirely different from vanilla folk. Mutual concern, mutual loyalty, and mutual affection are hallmarks of all close, functional relationships among adults. That said, many of us BDSMers take it to another level, thanks both to 1. our radical sexuality which gives us unparalleled glimpses into ourselves and our partners’ most primal needs, and 2. a balanced inter-dependency based on mutual love, honor, and respect.
Healthy BDSM Relationships
The quality of BDSM relationships cannot be measured by the number of toys a person own, their years of experience in the Community, or their skills at tying someone up.
The quality is about adults allowing themselves to be emotionally naked with their partners. We forge new pathways to intimacy and pleasure through our play. We deliberately choose to abide by our codes of honor. We seek to constantly increase our communication, truthfulness, and caring for each other. We evolve TOGETHER. We endure together.
That’s how we create the kind of healthy BDSM relationships that we and our beloved partners know we deserve.
