Let’s Get into the Details
“I have a foot fetish,” my new client, Ian, anxiously said midway through our first session. “Can you help me?”
“Probably yes,” I smiled. “Let’s talk about what kind of foot fetish you have.”
“It’s a .. . foot fetish? I like feet.”
“All feet? Or is it limited to females?”
“What?!” Ian was taken aback as if it had never occurred to him that gay and trans folk shared this fetish. “Women’s feet, definitely women’s feet.”
“OK. Do you prefer small feet or big feet?”
“I like big feet. More to love.”
“Do you like them naked or wearing footwear?”
“Uh….well, actually, I have a thing for open-toed sandals. High heels, but not too high. More like a pump.”
“So are you turned on by the sandal, the foot in itself, or the foot in the sandals?”
He sat back. “Definitely feet in heeled sandals. With big toes sticking out.”
Now we’re getting somewhere!
After several more answers to my specific questions, I learned that he didn’t like bare feet as much as feet in sandals, and a specific type of sandal: black high heels with open-toes so he could see the painted piggies (toenail polish was a must, and only in shades of red). He didn’t care for stockings or socks, only shoes. He didn’t want her to trample or kick him, just to let him lovingly rub and kiss her feet.
“Do humiliation or degradation factor into your fantasies?”
“Wow. Well, yes.” He got defensive. “Do these details really matter?” He’d never admitted out loud that he needed a specific scenario until I intensively questioned him. Hearing his own words shook him.
“They do if you’d like me to help you figure out ways to get exactly what you want,” I said. “That’s why you’re here, right?” He nodded.
By now, I knew that the specificity of his fetish might rule out a lot of footplay-friendly partners. Some would find his specificity too limiting, others didn’t meet his “perfect toes” criteria, and so on. No matter: once we established a baseline of erotic needs, we could build practical strategies to achieve positive results.
Finding the lid for your pot
“Why do you think you still haven’t found someone who’d enjoy doing your favorite foot kinks?”
“Well…I can get them to wear shoes to bed by saying heels make it sexier. But if I told them exactly what I want, they’d think I was a freak and run away.”
This fear of rejection held him back from openly analyzing his needs. He was terrified of sharing what he really hoped for with a potential partner. Even calling himself a “foot fetishist” was embarrassing. Imagine describing all the ingredients of that fetish — from shoe style to a bit of humiliation — to a new love interest.
And there is the foot rub! Knowing what you want — down to the quirky, often unique, details — is the only way you can find true fulfillment. The details say more about what you really need than a generalized label.
It’s all in the details
Indeed, the label “foot fetish” is so broad it is virtually meaningless. Just because you have a foot fetish doesn’t mean you can be satisfied by any old shoe or foot. Foot fetishists don’t just vary in style preferences, either. They may have gender preferences, whether male, female, or trans — or they may be totally nonbinary about feet. They may prefer bare flesh in the shoe or nylons, hairy feet as opposed to smooth ones, and smelly feet as opposed to fresh ones. In addition, they may crave a specific size or shape of feet and toes.
On top of all that, the fetish dynamic could be power-based (think of a sub worshipping their dom’s feet or boots) or it could be egalitarian or switchable. Some foot fetishists like foot pain, while others want it strictly sensual. Even the words used during fetish play may change, with different people having both turn-on phrases and phrases that kill their fetish energy.
In Different Loving Too, the legendary Sybill Holiday remarked that when she offered foot fetishism to clients, some would-be worshippers grumbled about her less-than-perfect toes. Their rejection surprised her and convinced her to keep her tootsies to herself. Yet I know there are many foot fetishists who delight in gnarly feet!
Put simply, one foot fetishist’s blech is another‘s hottest fantasy. Details MATTER.
The Delight is in the Details
Being a fetishist myself has been a huge boon to my academic research. Why? Because I can draw on lived experience to get past the lack of depth in the studies purporting to analyze BDSM/Fetish accurately.
Working clinically with fetishists — the single biggest segment of my clientele — has been even more enlightening. It’s shown me that even the specificities described above do not cover ALL the ground in any given fetish.
So, you may be a rubber fetishist but that doesn’t mean all rubber turns you on. In fact, your rubber fetish could be limited to latex garments, or perhaps a rubber raincoat, or a diving suit. You may identify as an Adult Baby or Diaper Lover, and your degree of interest in the fetish can range from occasional sensual delight to a lifestyle of 24/7 diapers. And there can be more details you need on top of those to make your fetish hit your happy button.
This is why it’s so important to know the details of your own fetish.
Where do the details of fetish come from?
It’s in our intimate moments that we reveal the person we are within.
But how do these complexities evolve in the first place? Three chief factors seem to work in concert to create the adult fetishist.
Nature
We may be born kinky or fetishistic.
- The academic consensus is growing that people like us likely have genetic markers that influence our natural tendencies towards fetish, BDSM, and all other sex/gender variations (including gay and trans identities).
- Numerous anecdotal reports along with medical cases of toddlers with foot fetishes suggest we may be born this way. I remember sneaking into my father’s closet as a tot to hug his shoes for comfort when he was at work.
- In an informal survey I ran a few years back, about 85% of respondents said they feel they were born to be BDSM. Many pointed to kink/fetish behaviors that began in early childhood, long before they had any real awareness of sexuality, much less the hormonal physiology to feel lust.
Nurture
Some things that could have helped shape your fetish include:
- What your parents and siblings taught you
- What you were told in schools or churches
- Your local community values
- Early experiences that stuck in your head
So, theoretically (which is as far as the science has gotten), you might have a genetic marker to be fetishistic, but your specific fetish could depend on exposure to something that happened when your body was ripening toward adolescence.
So as you were growing up, you may have had little opportunity, and found some unique thing in life that made you happy, whether an object or garment (much as I hugged Dad’s shoes to feel closer to him). Or perhaps you fell upon a parent’s porn stash, or a friend shared some porn with you. Or maybe you passed a nun on the street, and their habit hit you hard in the jones bones.
Self Image
What is it that makes the difference in whether a person can accept their fetish? Is it the type of fetish? If it is, then how would we explain the difference between people with extreme fetishes who are at peace with their needs and people with mild fetishes who suffer emotional agony?
I’ve worked with scat and castration fetishists who felt zero shame about their needs. While my single biggest group of clients are those with mild fetishes who are drowning in shame.
So why can some people accept even their wildest kinks while others fall apart emotionally because they want to make love to someone’s feet?
It isn’t the specific fetish that makes the difference. It is the person’s self-image. People with poor self-image are likely to demonize their own fetish as the critical flaw that makes them undesirable to a “normal” partner. People with a positive ego state feel entitled to happiness on their own terms and seek out open-minded partners. Similarly, people with low self-esteem police themselves and their fantasies continuously, often avoiding relationships for fear their secrets will destroy the relationship. They cage themselves in a closet of their own design.
The worse you feel about yourself, the more you may blame your fetish, try to repress it, and go through binge-and-purge cycles. The higher your self-esteem, the better your chances of leading an authentic life and finding partners who respect you and who accept your needs.
Embrace the Details of Your Fetish
All the wonderful complexity within you is gorgeous. It makes you you. From the foods and clothes you like to the way you express yourself to your cultural background and attitudes towards life, you are unique. Nature, Nurture, and Self-Image merged into a fascinating whole to create your sexual identity.
Fetish is gorgeous to me precisely because it is a gloriously complex aspect of your humanity. It is the near-infinite variety of human desires that really makes us who we are. Fascinating. Creative. Unique.
When we can verbalize the details of our fetish, something wonderful happens – we build a roadmap to our turn-ons. This roadmap is something a good partner, who wants to give us pleasure, can use to share gratifying moments with us.
Can you accept that your fetish and your SELF are one complete being? Without your kinks and fetishes, you wouldn’t be you anymore. If you can love yourself as you are, you will see that you deserve the same happiness, love, and intimacy as people with solid self-images. The more you cherish your natural variations; the more you love the person you are in the here and now; and the more you recognize that you are entitled to the happiness others freely pursue, the freer and more emotionally fulfilled you will become.
Photo credit: Artem Labunsky https://unsplash.com/photos/57jkUX8bZ9o
Need help learning to live with your fetish? My virtual door is always open to you. Write me at gloria@gloriabrame.com for an appointment.
