Last week, I wrote about how good sex can grow your brain. Now, I’m going to give you an exercise to help you move beyond porn dependency.
The Trouble With Porn Dependency
Many of us have found ourselves repeatedly turning to porn as fodder for the imagination. And I’m all for using porn to get the hormones flowing.
Yet, while porn is fun, there’s a downside. The proliferation of porn is teaching us to become passive receptacles. Instead of watching a little to put ourselves in the mood, many of us are now depending on it to give us complete journeys. Technically, that’s okay too, at least until consuming porn becomes a substitute for using our imaginations.
Porn dependency can lead to a situation where it’s hard for us to be satisfied without porn. And then it turns into a compulsion, where we have to have it to get off.
Beware of Unhealthy Dependency on Porn
Porn can be awesome as a tool in our erotic toy bags. Those who develop an unhealthy dependency, however, may find themselves in a scary rut.
I’ve had many, so many, clients, who found themselves needing more and more stimulation. They begin to believe that extreme scenarios are the only way they can have great orgasms, even when porn scares them. They feel ashamed of how far their fantasies went. Instead of being satisfied afterward, they end up feeling disgusted by their own desires.
In effect, they have trained their brain to expect a huge rush from porn. Sooner or later, your original interests get drowned out by new and wilder scenarios. You need more to trigger your brain’s pleasure center.
This pattern is really you training your brain to get hooked on things you may not even want to live out. It may confuse you — as it has confused so many of my clients — into believing you now need extreme fantasies to have a great orgasm, even though your original needs were far milder.
Examples:
- the clients who started out watching softcore BDSM porn, ramped it up to extreme hard-core BDSM porn, and ended up believing that extreme abuse was what really turned them on
- the clients who came to believe they “needed” to live out dangerous scenarios because the porn depicting those acts aroused them
- the clients who were afraid to get too close to potential life-partners because they were afraid they would condemn them for their porn habits
A porn compulsion builds on itself until it looks like an addiction. Instead, it’s actually a self-sabotaging pattern you have trained your brain to follow. But did you know that when you train yourself into a habit, you can train yourself out of it too?
A Good Imagination Makes Great Porn
There’s a key to ending an unhealthy porn dependence. What’s that key? Building your erotic imagination.
You can find all the resources you need to have an enjoyable solo experience by harnessing the power of imagination. This behavioral approach may seem tough at first because you’ve become accustomed to someone else controlling your triggers — for better AND worse.
I’ve worked with scores of people –married and single –who felt their porn usage ruined them for relationships. The most common fears are that they can only orgasm watching porn; that reality can’t live up to their favorite porn; that they will end up abused (especially when the viewer is submissive); or that a partner will run away screaming if they knew about their porn consumption.
Once you make a positive shift to self-sufficiency, your sexual imagination becomes a tool that can help throughout all stages of life, including times when you can’t access porn. It may also improve your self-image and put you in charge of the triggers you really want and need, not the ones manufactured by porn producers to manipulate you into believing you need them to get off.
I am not telling you to shun porn — because it is fun, and can be a healthy addition to your erotic life. I just want you to feel IN CONTROL of your porn consumption. So let’s explore the possibility with this self-help technique to get you — and your imagination — back on track.
YOUR EXERCISE: Expand Your Sexual Imagination
Find a private, comfy place where you can lie down face up. Loosely stretch out, and take a few deep breaths to help you relax. You can also use adult toys or wear something that will enhance your pleasure.
Close your eyes so you can bring your focus inward.
- Set a scene. Take your mind someplace you’ve always longed to be for a prime sexual/sensual experience. It can be a beach, a mountain top, a dungeon, or anywhere else that tantalizes you erotically.
- Pick a partner. Using your imagination, conjure an image of the type of partner you’d love to have. You don’t need to define their face, but perhaps you will want to imagine sexual features that turn you on.
- Create a story in your mind. How would you like the story to begin? How would you like it to end? Now that you have an ideal setting with the ideal partner in your mind, what would turn you on the most in the middle? Imagine the smells and sounds you love, the kinds of touches you prefer or the twists or kinks you love.
- Self-stimulate. Wait until you have the above three elements in place (where, who, and what). Let your mind travel and focus on them, embellishing them as you wish. Then begin touching yourself as you weave the elements together to create your own little porn movie in your mind.
- Edge. Don’t rush your pleasure. This isn’t a race to climax. Extend your fantasy until you simply can’t hold back anymore. Let the film in your head run its course. Keep adding little details to enhance the pleasure.
- Climax. When you are finally hungry for release, let your mind whirl around the fantasy you created for yourself and use your hands or toys to bring you to orgasm.
- Remain still. Afterwards (and before you clean up), let your limbs stretch out again, catch your breath, and fully experience your state of relief and, hopefully, the new calmness in your body. Give your brain time to gently come down from the pleasurable journey you just created for yourself.
Your brain will reward you for this sojourn into sensuality. Your body will rejoice with you.
