What is Intentional Sex?
Intentional sex is a way to describe the care and thought that you’ll want to be putting into sex. It begins with how you and your partner get the intimacy started, and how you interact after the main event is over.
You can look at intentional sex as adjacent to consent. Consent is the guiding principle: partners have agreed to engage sexually. But intentional sex takes the concept to a higher level. You and your partner(s) are deliberately choosing to make it the most mutually satisfying and fulfilling sex that you can. This applies to all adults, regardless of age or ability. It’s a full-accommodation style of sex that takes care to intentionally choose how the partners prefer to interact during pre-sex flirtation, foreplay, arousal, sexual intimacy, and then after the sex part is over.
The purpose of intentional sex is to create a complementary energy exchange between sex partners that moves ahead without the bumps and miscommunications that can alter a person’s perception of that most vital question: did I have a great time? The goal of intentional sex is to be able to answer that question in the glowingly affirmative.
The 6 Stages of Intentional Sex
When clients ask me to help them get to a higher level of ethical play and communication in bed, I coach them to slow down the sex into six deliberate stages. Even if they only have time for fifteen or twenty minutes of sex, they can still keep the stages in mind and work through them, just more quickly than if they have a couple of hours to luxuriate in pleasure. Each stage is important, so keep them in mind.
1. Personal Prep
In sex, cleanliness is next to sexy goodliness.
It’s interesting how humans get turned on by visuals — but then may suddenly completely lose interest if the other person smells funky. Innate reactions to smells are just another example of human diversity. Consider that some people love cologne and others gag on it. So be intentional about it, and find out what kinds of smells are sexy to your partner (and, of course, tell them about any you’d like to avoid inhaling).
Show your partner you want to smell and taste your best for them. A quick shower before sex will often do the trick.
On the Other Hand
If you know that your partner loves the smell of underarm sweat, smelly feet, or other personal grunge, you can skip this step. For some of us, human musk is intoxicating. If you’re good with that, don’t feel pressured to wash it all away. Intentionally indulge their spicy olfactory senses.
2. Eager Consent
Beyond basic consent is the intentional act of EAGER consent. This means you and your partner aren’t just willing to go along with the kind of sex you will have but are eager to do it.
Eager consent usually means that you both communicate clearly about exactly the kind of thing you want to do and can’t wait to do it with each other specifically. Eagerness usually (but not always) implies that you feel ready and able, and bring positive energy and optimism to it. It is a good way to avoid later regrets.
Before you start the intimacy, communicate about the type of intimacy you each want. This can happen a week before or the day of your sexual fun time. If you want to be open to spontaneity, it can be condensed into a quick but clear conversation about your parameters and hopes for the experience you’re about to have.
3. Sexy Mood Elevator
One of my clients’ most common complaints is that they don’t get enough time to build up to a sexy mood. Their partner wants to hop straight into intense sensations too fast. So think of this stage as getting into a sex elevator. You start on the main level and moment by moment rise up to a higher floor.
Before there is a direct sexual act — such as touching genitals, intercourse, oral or anal sex — start with intentional but low-key intimacy. This can include anything sweet and endearing. Try flirting, mutual massages, and caresses. Exchanging light touches to faces, hands, knees, and necks is great. Don’t forget kisses either.
4. Foreplay
Lack of foreplay is high on women’s lists of complaints about men.
There’s a biological reason that cis-women need more time than cis-men to get aroused. Female reproductive organs are larger internally, so it takes longer for blood to flow to a pudenda than to a penis.
Since lubrication is key to female pleasure, help her out by giving her foreplay until she is juicy.
5. Intentional Intercourse
Some people love the spontaneity of allowing themselves to go wild during the act of sex. If that’s you, then just do you. But never assume you know what your partner wants before you have had a clear conversation about it. In other words, one person’s delightful goblin mode is another person’s nightmare.
Whatever your style of DOING THE DEED, make sure it’s something your partner can fully enjoy. Not everyone wants the proverbial “pounding” and “smashing.” Some like it rhythmic and slow. Some like it warm and gentle. Some like it rough to the point of pain. Do not make it all about yourself: intentional sex is sex that pleases partners equally.
Ask for a little (verbal) feedback before, during, or after until you find the mutually satisfying style that makes you both happy and wet.
6. Stay Intentional Past the Big Event
Many people act as if orgasm brings an abrupt end to the swoon of sex. I pity those people. They are missing out on the joys of aftercare, that help us all to nestle with comfort on our return to reality after the big event.
If you both prefer to roll over and pass out, or jump out of bed to shower, so be it. That’s what you should do. But for most people, aftercare can be as emotionally important as the sex itself. In addition to cuddling, it’s a good time to laugh or talk together. No heavy conversation, please. Keep it light and friendly, throw in some compliments about how good it was and how much they pleased you, then take a couple of minutes to rebalance those fading hormones and return to the real world with smiles.
Intentional Sex Means Better Sex
Now you know what people are talking about when they talk about intentional sex. Can you remember the steps?
- Body Prep
- Eager Consent
- Mood Elevation
- Foreplay
- Intentional coupling
- Aftercare
It’s all straightforward when you look at it. Intentionality helps you create a more intimate sexual experience. Try it out and watch your mutual satisfaction levels improve!
