“But I love him,” Madelyn* said.
“But he isn’t good to you anywhere but in bed,” I said. “And not even always then?”
“I know,” she said. “I know….” I waited for more. “But I love him. I just do.”
“I know. But, look, you’ve given me a long rational list of his flaws. Now can you give me three rational reasons why you love him?”
She stared at her lap and said, “Because I do. He’s in my heart. My heart wants him.”
I wanted to blurt, “That’s not your heart talking, Madelyn. It’s your pussy,” but I knew she wasn’t ready to hear it yet. She was just starting her journey to sexual empowerment with me.
It can take months of sex counseling for women to accept that lust drives women just as powerfully as it drives men. It’s a fact long-buried by patriarchal institutions, from religions to medicine. Girls are trained to separate “down there” from the rest of their bodies. That kind of training creates many of the problems I see in my practice. Women who have medically unexplainable pain during sex. Women who’ve never had orgasms. Women who’ve never masturbated. Women who have masturbated but never have orgasms or aren’t sure what an orgasm feels like. Women who feel shame after sex. Women who feel ashamed about wanting a lot of sex.
How many of these non-medical-based dysfunctions are a direct result of sex-negative thoughts? All of them.
You Probably Know a Madelyn
We all know someone like Madelyn, someone smart and kind and sweet and who we know deserves better yet always ends up with guys who treat them like crap. Or maybe you’re the Madelyn in your own life?
Madelyn didn’t know what else to call her lust but “love.” Anything else felt dirty. She was taught that lust was a male-bodied experience. Admitting to herself that she was a horny lusty woman who latched onto a guy who turned her on in bed but off everywhere else was too much for her to comprehend at first.
It’s hard enough to find someone you care about. Finding out that what you’ve been calling true love is actually a bad case of lust is the kind of wake-up call most people don’t want to answer. But once the honeymoon phase of a relationship comes to an end, you find yourself questioning why you fell for your partner in the first place. There may be very little to bind you to the person you thought you loved — except duty, obligation, and promises you made because you once believed it was true love.
Needless to say, this can present a huge challenge to femsubs, who may feel bound by contracts and collars to stay with their dominant long after the lust died and was replaced by glaring red flags.
Life Experiences Add to the Problems
When you’re raised on misinformation, myths, and stereotypes about female sexuality, is it really your fault if you grow up to feel split between mind and body? No. It’s something of a social norm for all people, regardless of their gender. Some people never escape the trap, going to their graves without every knowing true sexual bliss or feeling fully connected their own bodies.
Madelyn also had personal experiences that left scars on her sexual psyche. She was molested as a young girl. Her parents didn’t believe her. They never gave her the support she needed. They made her feel like it was her fault. By high school, she felt like an ugly duckling. Her peers were mean to her because she didn’t wear cool clothes or know how to act cool. She blossomed into a beautiful woman, but her newfound sexiness didn’t mean much to her on the inside. She was haunted by a lifetime of insecurity.
Insecurity Primes Women for Abuse
When Madelyn met Mr. Bad Boy, he said all the right things. She thought she’d found her heaven until she realized it was hell. He cheated, he lied, he disrespected her. She deserved a caring partner who showed her his best self and filled the love void inside her. Instead, Mr. BB made her feel even lonelier, more desperate for love, grateful for whatever crumbs of love he threw her way.
I had to help Madelyn relearn her potential. To help her love herself. Then to learn to trust herself. And then to forgive herself for making this sadly common mistake.
In the next blog, you’ll learn more about the converging forces that make women feel sexually disempowered and out of touch with their own bodies. I’ll also tell you how I helped Madelyn find the security she needed to get rid of this bum and get the respect she deserved.
Photo credit: Julien L@julienlphoto, under Unsplash creative license
*Madelyn is a pseudonym to protect client privacy.
