What’s going on down there?
When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. That’s a saying taught to young physicians that means look first for the most common cause of a complaint before considering a rare one. When speaking of sexual dysfunction (one of my specialties), stress is the most common cause of sex problems.
Today’s blog kicks off a series on how stress can cause difficulties in your sex life, and what you can do about it. We’re starting with the single most common problem — everyday stress.
Before we take an in-depth look at stress and its effects on sex, though, it’s important to acknowledge that some sexual dysfunctions require medical treatment.
Sexual Dysfunction and Medicine
While most sexual dysfunction is rooted in stress, there are rarer situations when medical care is required.
For example, you could have underlying health problems that require medical treatments. Heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure — and the drugs you take to control them — may cause sexual dysfunction. Hormonal imbalances — testosterone levels in men and estrogen levels in women — are another potential cause. All of the above require medical attention.
When medical doctors can pinpoint solid evidence of specific health issues, they can offer you effective treatments. But one should rightfully be concerned if they start throwing treatment plans at you without being sure what’s causing the problem in the first place. “Can’t get it up? Take a pill. Can’t relax your vaginal muscles to have intercourse? Try dilators.”
Doctors may then end up treating the symptoms while ignoring the real problem: something or someone is weighing you down. I’ve healed many adults who saw doctors, underwent treatments and paid a lot of money only to have the same problems. That’s because the common culprit behind most sexual dysfunction is stress. Until you find a way to deal with the stress, medical treatments will, at best, mask that common cause and, at worst, leave you feeling more stressed out than before.
Everyday Stress and Sexual Dysfunction
The world news. The national crises. Covid. Your kids. Lack of kids. Your home. Homelessness. Your partner. Being single. Your job. Unemployment.
The everyday problems we face as adults can feel overwhelming. Even when we pull ourselves together, put on a brave face, and deal with all the challenges of navigating the world, that stress we carry around with us changes how we feel inside.
We may fool others. But we can’t fool our brains. Internalized stress can alter sexual behavior for the worse. Under high stress, some people turn to excessive, even obsessive, sexual patterns, while others avoid sex entirely. Our sex lives with partners can fall off the rails or go dead. Some men develop erectile dysfunction, some women have painful intercourse. The variety of ways stress expresses itself in your sex life is as diverse as people are!
Stress Is An Everyday Burden
Everyone deals with life stress. Some of us have learned to deal with it better than others, finding ways to manage it and compartmentalize it. The rest of us feel like we’re fighting a battle every day to stay afloat.
There are times when those stress factors must be analyzed before we can make progress on the specific sex problem. It’s critical to get a baseline on the external stresses (relationships, responsibilities, etc.) as well as the internal emotional stresses (low self-esteem, trauma, dysfunctional childhood, etc.) that my client is experiencing, and then to tailor a treatment plan that includes self-care, self-esteem, self-compassion and other important psychological tools to overcome the stress.
If you have problems with your sex life, take an inventory of the stresses you face.
Are you:
- Fighting with your partner?
- Struggling with self-image?
- Deeply worried about health or finances?
- Overwhelmed by your responsibilities?
All the above are ordinary, everyday stresses that adults face — and they can spill over into your sex life and create intimacy problems.
How everyday stress stole Charles’ erection, and how we got it back!
“Charles” had been unable to find a new job for almost two years. In that time, his sex drive diminished to the point where he stopped having sex with his partner. He became afraid of disappointing her. He was having trouble getting a full erection, which made it difficult to penetrate her. When he began to go soft and slide out during sex, he felt so ashamed, he simply avoided sex altogether.
So what was going on?
As we talked, it became clear that he was not, in fact, suffering from a Viagra deficiency. His being out of work was wrecking his confidence, and no pills could fix that.
He told me that ever since he got fired, he had felt less like a man. Like many men, his ego was tied to being a successful professional and family provider. The stress of not living up to his own image of what a man should be emasculated him.
Fortunately, he was willing to do a little self-care and a lot of rethinking to reframe his own definition of manhood. He was able to recognize that he was a really good person, a loving husband, a great dad. As he realized that, he began to define himself in more powerful ways, realizing that he had many virtues and blessings. Money and career status were achievements for sure, but not defining characteristics of manhood. His manhood was far greater than the paycheck he brought home.
And what happened?
His self-confidence grew. His libido snapped back. He felt better. His wife was happier. And his LIFE was happier. As a result, when he finally landed a new job, he was delighted, but he didn’t need it to make him feel like a man. He had learned that who he was as a human being was the real measure of a man.
You Are Not Alone
I spend a lot of time telling people they’re not alone. There’s a reason for that – everybody with a sex issue seems to think they’re the first have to one! But they’re not. And you’re not.
So many have come to me as well as other competent sex therapists and gotten help with a wide range of sexual dysfunctions. Rest assured that whatever obstacle you’re facing, you’re not the first to face it. And you won’t be the first to get past it either.
It’s really just a matter of 1) figuring out what’s stressing you out, 2) facing the underlying problems, and 3) developing the tools to deal with these obstacles. I hope you know I’m always glad to help you do that.
Next week – Examining Performance anxiety
Stay tuned: part 2, Three Types of Stress That Hit Our Sex Lives will teach you three other important types of stress the hurt your sex life.
Can’t wait? Ready to get past an issue now? Click here to make an appointment and let’s rear-view mirror it.
