About 20 years ago, during a late-night Zoom call with sociology graduate students in the Philippines, someone asked the question that cuts to the heart of sexual dysfunction.
“When will people stop feeling shame about their fetishes?”
“When will people stop feeling shame about regular sex?” I asked them.
“Ohhhhh,” they said. They nodded solemnly,
“Yes. Now we understand!”
And there it is, folks. Until we quit shaming ourselves and others about sex, we will not overcome our deeply entrenched cultural negativity about the most basic and pleasurable human behaviors.
Sure, we understand why it’s negative when violence and non-consent is involved. But what’s wrong about body pleasure that harms none?
It’s a shame to see what a hold shame has on us, as individuals and as cultures. Let’s talk about some hacks to overcome shame.
The Toll of Cultural Shame
As a clinical sexologist with over 25 years of experience, I’ve witnessed how shame becomes the silent destroyer of sexual health and authentic relationships. Shame makes one person hide a fetish, another hate their own bodies, and keeps millions of adults silent about sexual health problems—from erectile dysfunction to anorgasmia.
The shame spiral follows a predictable pattern: secrecy leads to isolation, isolation breeds dysfunction, and dysfunction reinforces the original shame. Those lies and secrets transform normal, treatable problems into profound psychological suffering that ripples through every aspect of life.
Men face unique challenges in this cycle. Cultural expectations demand they be sexually confident and always ready to perform, creating impossible standards that breed shame when reality doesn’t match the myth. This shame doesn’t just affect the bedroom—it undermines professional confidence, authentic relationships, and overall life satisfaction.
Shame’s Impact on Intimacy
Multiple studies demonstrate the bidirectional relationship between shame and sex problems. TL;DR Shame triggers sexual problems, and sexual problems trigger shame. It’s a vicious cycle.
According to a report in PsyPost, “Sexual shame is a deeply internalized feeling of guilt, embarrassment, or discomfort related to one’s sexuality. It is typically shaped by cultural, religious, or societal norms. In women, it can manifest as a negative body image, difficulty discussing sexual desires, or avoidance of sexual experiences due to a fear of judgment.”
I can affirm this based on my clinical experience. Sexual shame is so routine a part of most women’s lives, they are blind to it. You know how you can go nose blind? Well, you can go sex blind too and not even realize that you were sabotaging your own potentials for erotic pleasure.
PsyPost goes on to report that, “Chronic sexual pain disorders, such as dyspareunia and vaginismus, can lead to shame by making women feel inadequate or fearful of being unable to meet perceived sexual expectations.” To that you can also add anorgasmia, low libido, obsessions, assault, traumas, and hundreds of other sex-related problems women bring to doctors.
Shame Is Gender-Neutral
Would you be surprised to learn that the same is true for men? They are just as likely as women to be emotionally blocked, numbed, frenzied, or overwhelmed as women when sex doesn’t work the way they assumed it would. Indeed, one of the most exhausting emotional rollercoasters is when men can’t get or maintain a firm erection.
For many men, a profound sense of shame and loss set in, followed by lowered self-esteem and more shame. Scientific research shows that “One of the most common initial reactions to erectile dysfunction is a sense of emasculation.” Beyond that, “Even a single occurrence of erectile dysfunction can trigger feelings of humiliation and shame.” (ref. The Psychology of Erectile Dysfunction).
I can affirm all the above from my clinical experience. Clients come to me when medical treatments don’t work — and their doctors suspect their problem is psychological (or “psychogenic,” psychological in origin). We then go through the sometimes arduous work of untangling their past and their present, and finding new paths to self-care and self-compassion.
Sometimes, overcoming the stress in your mind and body through talking about it and changing some patterns, can completely turn around sex problems.
Breaking Free: Actionable Steps to Reclaim Your Sexual Self
So what can you do to improve your own attitude towards sex? Here are three evidence-based exercises to begin your healing journey, plus a fourth tip!
1. Touch Touch Touch
Touch yourself. Touch yourself all over. Up and down, back and front. If there is any part of you you don’t want to touch, wash that part intentionally so it’s sparkly clean. Now touch that part, and learn to touch every part of yourself equally. As if you were your own doctor, doing a thorough exam.
The more you touch yourself, the more you know about your body, the more at home you will feel in it. BTW, it is understandable if you keep your clothes on for the first time. But you don’t “graduate” this exercise without doing it at least once in your birthday suit. Showers and bathtubs are always good for this exercise.
2. Love Love Love
Develop self-care routines that counteract shame cycles. Whether it’s post-masturbation comfort rituals or mindfulness practices, positive reinforcement rebuilds healthy neural pathways.
3. Read Read Read
Shame thrives on ignorance and misinformation. Evidence-based education is the answer. Start with credible sexual health organizations like the American Sexual Health Association or Planned Parenthood for reliable basics. For deeper dives, PubMed gives you access to actual research studies (though fair warning – they’re written for scientists).
Ask your healthcare providers better questions too. Don’t ask for their judgment. Instead of asking, “Is this normal?” ask, “What are my treatment options?”
Doctors appreciate patients who bring them problems they can fix. They aren’t there to judge you.
And of course, keep reading evidence-based sexual health content – like the studies I quote and curate here.
4. Forget-Me-NOT
My new eBooks are FREE straightforward guides designed to motivate and help you feel good about doing sex-positive work on yourself.
- “Manfirmations: Building Masculine Confidence“ – A practical guide to improving self-esteem and challenging the cultural myths that undermine authentic masculinity.
- “Reclaiming Sexual Energy“ – Evidence-based approaches to revitalizing your connection with your sexual self
The Path Forward
Sexual shame will persist as long as we allow cultural mythology to override clinical evidence and human compassion. But each person who chooses evidence over mythology, professional help over suffering in silence, and self-acceptance over shame takes a step toward breaking the cycle.
The shame epidemic is real, but so is the possibility of healing. The question isn’t when the world will stop promoting sexual shame—it’s when you’ll stop letting that shame control your life.
We cannot end all sexual shame in the world,
but you can end the shame in your life.
photo credit: Ahmed Ashhaadh@UnSplash
