Even the smartest people make foolish choices, particularly when it comes to money and sex.
While many of us eventually learn to handle debts, bills, and taxes in adulthood, very few adults develop the sexual maturity to handle their own and their partners’ needs and wants. That means they are seldom prepared for sex problems or complications. They don’t even know how or what to think about aspects of their own sexuality, including what their fantasies mean, how often they are “permitted” to ask for sex, or whether their desires are “normal.” I’ve worked with engineers, executives, doctors, and PhDs who can solve complex problems in their professional lives but completely fall apart when it comes to sex.
In other words, everyone screws up at some point, but only sex stays broken. Intelligence doesn’t protect you from sexual confusion. In fact, smart people often make the worst sexual decisions because they overthink everything, stress themselves out, and end up making desperate choices.
Let me show you what I mean.
The Man Who Wasted $5,000 on His Penis
Carey was a guy in his 40s who came to talk to me about his erectile problems. He was healthy, upbeat, and athletic. Yet his penis had stopped working. So he went to a urologist. The doctor performed a comprehensive workup, including multiple tests and testosterone treatments.
After months of treatment and a $5k bill, the test results came back normal. The urologist said the problem was psychogenic (psychological), not physical, and recommended a sex therapist. (Me.)
In our first session, I asked Carey what he actually wanted sexually. Not what he thought he SHOULD want. What he ACTUALLY wanted. He fumbled with that.
He deflected and ranted about his wife. She was cold in bed. She rejected him for no reason. They fought all the time.
At our third session, he spilled his silent lifelong secret: he had a fetish for feet. In the early years of marriage, he’d pressured his wife to wear heels to bed. She complied at first, then stopped. They didn’t talk about it. He never even admitted to himself that this was a core part of his sexuality. But without the footy element, his body shut down. He couldn’t climax, and then one day, he couldn’t get it up either.
This guy was a technical genius, a super-high achiever. But if he’d known how to think clearly about his own sexuality, he’d have saved $5,000 and six months with a urologist while obscuring the real problem!
An Ordinary Couple Who Got It Right Right Away
A couple who had been married for almost 40 years came to see me. They were sweet people, still in love, enjoying retirement. But their sex life was a war zone.
She wanted more from him. He wanted less because his potency had declined with age.
It was hellacious: she felt utterly rejected by the man who, in their younger years, was an absolute athlete in bed. She wept, she shouted, she pushed. He felt pressured, humiliated, and resentful. Her constant nagging reminded him of his mother, which is never who you want to think about when you’re about to have sex.
They Felt Trapped in a Doom Loop
It seemed like every conversation ended in a fight. They brought their fights into our first meeting.
I stopped them and instead asked each one to tell me what “sex” actually meant for them. For her, it was affirmation that he loved her, inside and out. For him, it was fun, but stressful at his age. Seeing her happy was more important to him than physical intimacy. Next, we talked about the negative factors weighing down their sex lives, from medical problems to mental health issues.
Finally, I had a private session with the husband. I suggested a strategy to improve desire and to focus on emotional generosity. Every orgasm he gave her, even if only manual, made her feel loved. He followed the plan. She called me a few weeks later to thank me. They didn’t think I could help them, but I did, and they were grateful.
Learning how to think critically about their sex life and its meanings was enlightening for them. Sure, they couldn’t do what they did in their 20s, but regardless of your age, the value of intimate pleasure cannot be overrated.
Grow Your Sexual Intelligence and See Good Results
We don’t teach people to make good choices. No one seems to care about adult sexual function until they experience problems. Most people, like Carey, just bury it all in the deep recesses of their brains.
Sexual Intelligence Is a Game-Changer
Most adults don’t know:
- What questions to ask themselves
- How to separate what they thought they wanted from what they actually needed
- How to think critically about their own desires and boundaries
- How to articulate their needs clearly
Sexual intelligence isn’t instinct. It’s not something you’re born with.
It’s a skill that almost every adult over 25 can acquire!
Keep reading the blog — I’ve got more to share!
If you’ve missed the first three blogs in this series, they start here.
Coming, Coming, and Becoming
Perfectionism has its price. My new book, How to Become a Sex Genius, launches next week. Sorry for the delay, but the process is pure: we’re trying to make it look and feel fresh to deeply engage you. I hope you’re a little excited about the topic and my approach. It is UNIQUE. It is one of the most effective tools for positive transformation in my little sex doctor’s bag.
Meanwhile, enjoy the free books in The Pleasure Literacy Emporium. Even better, buy one! If you’re struggling with ED, check out my definitive workbooks on overcoming ED.
And if you’re struggling with sex-related questions that need personalized guidance, book a session, and we’ll talk.
Image credit: Geralt@Pixabay
