In my last blog, I talked about how and why female orgasms can be elusive. Now it’s time to assign some serious responsibility to where it is due: heterosexual men.
When heterosexual women struggle to reach orgasm or feel sexually dissatisfied, the automatic assumption is that she is the problem. She’s too stressed, too inhibited, not loving enough, not trying hard enough.
But sometimes the real problem is simpler: it’s the man.
10 common things women wish men knew about female pleasure.
1. We wish he learned female anatomy
He never had a good sex education (or possibly any) on female anatomy. No one talked to him about the clitoris, the labia, the difference between vagina and vulva, and he was never a reader. So he never learned the essential aspects of triggering orgasms in women — and even as an adult refuses to do so.
2. We wish he’d stop making it all about his penis
Scientific studies have shown that only about 30–35% of women can climax from penetration. Two-thirds of women need other acts to climax. But I’ve worked with some men who clung stubbornly to the notion that a woman “should” or “must” come from penetration by him, or it’s not real sex, and somewhat insulting to him.
3. We wish he’d give us more oral sex
Some women are uncomfortable having men perform oral sex on them, for their own reasons. But the single biggest complaint I hear from women is that their partners don’t go down on them nearly enough, and certainly not as often as they’ve given their guys blow jobs. For women, oral sex is right up there with penetrations, vibrations, and fingering as the best ways (note the plural) to trigger female orgasm.
4. We wish he’d lighten up on toys
Despite the huge industry and — thankfully–the growing number of consumers who want to have more creative safe sex, many men will not allow their wives or girlfriends to bring their toys into bed with him. I’m talking zero tolerance on toys. That means their women are missing out on the creative fun they know other women experience. We wish men could be playful instead of dour!
5. We wish he’d use a slow hand!
Women often take longer to climax because their genitals are largely internal. That small clit that is visible is a fraction of the size of the organ behind it. So, for a woman to get peak arousal, she needs to be getting exactly the right kind of stimulation. Meanwhile, the man has to be patient and pace himself.
Welcome to the “body gap,” one of the most common issues in hetero sex. The best way to achieve simultaneous orgasm is to give her enough foreplay and ask her to signal when she’s ready to climax. Getting her to the edge is the magic key to the mysteries of female orgasm.
6. We wish we could have a calm conversation about sex together
Communication can get difficult in even the best relationships when it comes to sex. Still, women wish they could hear more about what their man feels when he’s in bed with them, and that men would listen more intently to them when they talk about their needs. Sadly, without a great sex education, both sexes are left to flounder, which leads to fragility, anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy that creates a wall between them.
7. We wish he’d stop making cracks about us
We shudder inside when he makes little jokes about our bodies, especially our weight, or when he puts us down as not smart or cute or competent enough for him. Harsh male criticism like that can pierce a woman’s heart, and create chasms of resentment. We wish men understood that their judgments make us feel unsafe when we’re naked with them.
8. We wish he’d tell us when he has a sexual health issue
It’s well known that men suffer in silence when they experience problems with their reproductive organs. Whether it’s erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, Peyronie’s or prostate problems, they are too embarrassed to see a doctor. And sometimes they are too embarrassed to tell their partner. So we really wish men told us when they weren’t feeling or functioning as usual.
9. We wish he’d stop lying about porn
We step into his office, and he slams his laptop shut. Hmm. We look for something in a closet and find a porn stash. Aha. But when we ask about it, he lies. WHY? It only erodes our trust in him. We know that men get trapped in the rabbit hole of porn every day. It’s better to have the fight, reach a resolution or get a counselor, and resolve. Chronic lying undercuts our trust in men, even more than the porn.
10. We wish he’d learn about sex from us, not porn stars!
Speaking of porn, I’ve heard from women (and men) who describe partners who watch some porn and then expect real life to mirror the porn! Oh Goodness NO! Porn stars are there to put you in the mood — but they are not meant to be role models. Men who get addicted to porn run the risk of missing the whole point of sex. It’s about the intimacy, and the delights of learning how to have better and better sex, and knowing how to keep your partner satisfied! The porn model is exactly as described: it’s fantasy!
Further Reading for Scholars
Penetration-only orgasm statistics
Herbenick, D., Fu, T. C., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018). “Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), 201-212.
https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530
Lloyd, E. A. (2005). The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution. Harvard University Press.
30-year orgasm gap overview
McElroy, B. & Perry, S. L. (2024). “The Gender Gap in Partnered Orgasm: A Scoping Review of Evidence with Graphical Comparisons.” The Journal of Sex Research, 61(9).
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2390672
Clitoral stimulation and expectations
Wetzel, G. M. & Sanchez, D. T. (2024). “Understanding the Orgasm Gap for Women Who Have Sex With Men.” SPSP Character & Context Blog.
https://spsp.org/news/character-and-context-blog/wetzel-sanchez-heterosexual-women-orgasm-gap
Photo credit: Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
