For as long as I’ve been in the BDSM world — 41 years to be precise — safe calls have been a normal part of hookups with new people.
This lifesaving option was something I had never considered. My first kink mentors insisted I use them! Safe calls soon became a routine protocol. They relieved anxiety when visiting a new partner’s home or inviting them to mine.
While I was fortunate and never met a dangerous person, I have known people who might not have escaped terrifying situations without them. To this day, I always make sure my bestie knows where I am and who I am with when meeting someone unknown, regardless of the context.
Safe calls (or “safety calls” as they’re now called on TikTok) are crucial when meeting up with new people, especially in BDSM, but truly in all dating contexts when you don’t know someone’s history. But safe calls are lifesavers.
They help you escape bad situations quickly by ensuring that someone you trust knows enough to take action if you don’t check in as agreed. When new or inexperienced clients visit with people they barely know, I’ve instructed them to call me or send safe texts (often easier) upon arrival and departure.
Let’s unpack what a safe call is and how it can save your life
What Is A Safe Call?
A safe call is a prearranged check-in with a trusted friend when you plan to meet someone new. This applies even when sex is not on the agenda. According to data cited on Datingadvice, one in 10 sex offenders uses dating sites to meet new people. About one-quarter of rapists find their victims online. Scary! The grim statistics on online dating mean physical safety is your first priority!
How Safe Calls Protect You
- They provide a basic safety net when meeting someone unfamiliar
- They establish a rescue protocol if something goes wrong
- They give peace of mind to both you and your friends
While women statistically face higher risks, predation crosses all demographic boundaries. Gay or straight, young or old, mainstream or minority, everyone needs to prioritize safety.
Safe Call Basics
Here are the steps to creating your own effective safe call system:
- Make sure your phone is fully charged and accessible before leaving.
- Share the person’s real name and where you’ll be meeting them. Choose a reliable friend who will respond quickly.
- Give your backup an address so they can find you. Consider letting them track your GPS on Google Maps.
- Create a code word or phrase to signal trouble—an unusual word so your backup can take immediate action.
After-Meeting Safe Call
Having both pre-meeting and post-meeting check-ins creates a more comprehensive safety system. Don’t assume that because someone charmed you during dinner, it will all end well when you leave, especially if you end up going to another place with them. An after-call serves several important purposes:
- It confirms you’ve safely concluded the encounter and are heading home
- It provides closure for your backup so they can stop worrying
- It creates a complete timeline of the encounter
Always add a plan of action for the follow-up safe call if you miss the final check-in. Your backup can then help you to get out of there safely.
Your exchanges with your friend will also create a record of the encounter—good or bad—while it’s fresh in your mind. This record is valuable both for processing the experience and learning how to stay even safer in the future.
When Something That Seemed Right Goes Terribly Wrong
It is very rare for a BDSM encounter to go wrong, but it has happened several regrettably memorable times in my decades of being in the Scene.
Case Study 1: Alisha’s Incomplete Safe Call Protocol
Alisha met a dominant partner online who impressed her with his knowledge of kink during their dinner. Though she made an initial check-in with her backup person, her safety plan had 3 dangerous flaws:
- She never obtained his legal name
- She failed to share her location details after leaving the restaurant
- She called when she met him, but never set up an after-call.
Without an after-call, her backup didn’t become concerned until two full days had passed without communication. By then, Alisha had already been tragically assaulted and abandoned outside a hospital emergency room. The friend finally contacted the local police department.
When police became involved, they found her at the hospital but the investigation stalled immediately. Alisha couldn’t provide her attacker’s real name and didn’t recall his address. Despite police efforts, they were looking for a needle in a haystack. The perpetrator was never found, and Alisha was left with both physical injuries and emotional trauma that continue to affect her, 20 years later.
Case Study 2: Kira’s Effective Safety Planning
Kira implemented a thorough safety system that ultimately saved her life. She shared her exact hotel address with her trusted friend, scheduled regular check-ins, and—importantly—established an emergency code word. Like a safeword, it was an innocuous word only the friend would understand. It signaled immediately to her friend that she was in trouble. They also agreed on how to take action when Kira sent the code.
At first, everything seemed fine with the new guy. Then it got creepy. When the planned play session with him began showing serious red flags, including him insisting on not using safe-words, Kira calmly excused herself to the bathroom. She sent her friend their predetermined distress signal. Her friend immediately followed their emergency protocol, calling her back with a convincing story about a family emergency that required Kira’s immediate return home, and calling a cab service to the hotel to drive her to the airport.
Though her date pressured her to leave some belongings behind as “insurance” that she would return, Kira prioritized her safety and hurried to the cab to return home. She wondered if she had over-reacted. But while she was planning to return to retrieve her stuff, just ten days later, she saw a news report that the man had been arrested as a suspected serial abuser of women and possibly a murderer.
While deeply shaken by her close call, Kira’s comprehensive safety plan, with a friend who had her back and was prepared to take action, likely saved her from becoming another of his victims.
Your Safety Must Be Your Priority
Safe calls aren’t just a good idea—they’re essential. As we’ve seen from both Alisha’s and Kira’s frightening experiences, the difference between safety and danger often comes down to preparedness.
The digital age has transformed dating. Romance scams of every kind, catfishing, and dangerous encounters are skyrocketing, bringing more risks to daters than ever before.
So please remember that no connection, no matter how promising, is worth risking your life. Trust your instincts when something feels wrong, and never be embarrassed about prioritizing your wellbeing. The right person will respect your boundaries and safety practices.
Again, safe calls aren’t just for kinky encounters! I can’t stress that enough. They are invaluable for anyone meeting new partners in the Internet age, regardless of age, gender, or relationship style. A few text messages and phone calls might seem inconvenient, but as Kira’s story illustrates, they could save your life. Make safe calls non-negotiable in your dating routine—and teach others to do the same.
Stay safe and trust that the right partners will support your commitment to self-protection.
Related Topics for further reading
banner photo credit: Taylor Grote on UnSplash
