Let’s talk today about what Big Pharma and even many medical doctors won’t talk about. Menopause should not be treated as a big mournful drama in a woman’s life. Because it isn’t.
Menopause is a normal stage of female development. Unless, of course, all that a woman means to you (or to herself) is that she is a vessel for babies. If you do think that way, then yes, menopause is terrible, you selfish bastard.
But in our world, women remain vibrant beyond their 60s! And perimenopause can start in their 40s. The average age range is 51 to 55, which is also considered young in the Western world. We are blessed that most women do live long enough to get the “Dear Jane” note from their wombs: “Yeah, I’m done with you, darling. You’re free now. Toodles.”
The Medicalization of Menopause
When I went through menopause, I expected the worst. Instead, it was pretty chillaxed all the way through. The worst part was the hot flashes, but they passed, and knowing they weren’t dangerous, just vexing, helped me shrug them off. I did not feel like I was less of a woman. Nor did I get depressed about the risk of pregnancy (I never wanted kids). If anything, I felt massively relieved. No more bleeding. No more pain. No more bloating, back aches, migraines, sudden tears, and then the crap that went along with ovulation. What I didn’t realize is how calm and steady I’d feel with my estrogen tamed by nature.
Yet, read about Menopause online, and it’s treated as a “problem,” a medical condition that requires constant tending. I’m a proponent of equipping researchers to develop new drugs and treatments, and profoundly grateful for the medical interventions that save lives. But when it comes to menopause, they paint such a dark picture of the female body’s aging arc, you’d THINK your sex life is over unless you buy multitudes of pills and creams, often followed by pills to counter the effects of the other pills.
Therein lies the real “woman’s problem”: doctors would rather give you pills than talk to you about your vagina. They would so much rather write a prescription than explain the kind of self-care and psychological tools you can use to boost your moods and work on a slightly different but potentially more enjoyable sex life.
Women’s Real Stories
Women who love orgasms (self included) find out that having a different kind of responsiveness does NOT end your sex life. For some of us, it’s actually a new beginning. So I decided to do some research based on real people and appealed to my various sexy, diverse, and kinky friends on FB and elsewhere:
“Calling all post-menopausal friends! I need your help with my next blog. I’m writing about the positive aspects of menopause because I’m tired of the doom-and-gloom, over-medicalized narrative. My question: Has anything about menopause surprised you in a good way?”
I wanted to know whether any of my menopausal girlfriends agreed with me that menopause can actually be a joy — a letting go of pain and an adventure in less inhibited sex.
Well, they did not disappoint! Almost two dozen replied and covered the spectrum of reasons that many women find menopause their most empowering stage of life — and erotic pleasure.
23 WOMEN OVER 50 WHO LOVE MENOPAUSE
I just saw a commentary about how menopause is missing from most medical training. That also explains a lot about why women get pills instead of information. But you know who does understand menopause? Women living through it.
Peg – No more bleeding for 14 plus days with cramps or taking hormones to stop the bleeding, like getting the Mirena IUD or taking birth control pills without a break, both to stop the menstrual cycle and cramps.
Kim Airs – The best part for me is that I can have sex whenever I want without thinking that my bed will look like a CSI crime scene! No toting around pads and ‘pons for when a period strikes. After 15 years of effortless menopause, I jumped over to using an Estring, which has made things even better and smoother. And I’m having sex with much younger men! They love us older women of their fantasies!
Kris – Learning and inviting myself to slow way down and cultivate intentional pleasure. Slow sex.
Mary – My kids were around high school age when menopause appeared. It gave me a chance to have a good talk with my kids about what this is/was and what it means. Not all at once, but in fits and spurts. Like when I would grimace with yet another hot flash, sometimes that would prompt a question. It also gave me a chance to have a party with my kids because I was so happy about it!
Sarah Steele – I suddenly went from perimenopausal to postmenopausal (without my desire to do so) because science had to remove 100% of my plumbing and all of the hormones that went with it for health reasons.
I am also on an estrogen suppressor. I have never felt more alive.
I am in control of my sexuality. It does not run me anymore. Whenever I have sex it is absolutely phenomenal because I am free. I am free to be me, absolutely unabashedly, with my new vagina. I cannot take HRT and I wouldn’t if I could. With very few lifestyle changes, I have adjusted to what my body is and sometimes goes through now. It wasn’t a grand tragedy. It was actually the best thing that ever happened to me.
My mental and emotional well-being has improved drastically. No more mood swings. No more downing myself because I had lost every bit of discipline that I had because of the horrible mood swings of perimenopause.
I have the power over myself I have always desired. I am a well-oiled (and lubed) machine that is healthy, happy, sassy, classy, and in complete control of myself and my environment.
I am the Master of myself.
I am a better mother, attorney, friend, partner, and enemy of those who would seek to harm me and mine.
I am, in my evolution to this stage of my life, truly woman.
Hear me roar.
The Cerebral Domme – I always had a high drive. It completely disappeared during menopause. That was depressing. Much to my surprise, it did return after a few years. By the time I got to menopause, I had a lifetime of getting to know myself. Unlike puberty, where we are hindered by our youth, it was easier for me to anticipate and navigate new symptoms and outcomes of menopause because of my physical, intellectual, and emotional maturity.
Laurie – My last period was in April of 2011. I didn’t really have a terribly difficult time with it until the end. I was a little irritable at times, but no more so than I was in my PMS days. Okay, those were awful! The hard part was that I bled and bled and bled. After that, it all really got a lot easier. I’ve always suspected that messing with my hormones started [my chronic] migraines. They got worse when I was using them for ovulation when I did want to get pregnant. So I never considered post-menopause hormones. And I can’t say I ever missed them. My moods are affected by other things, but not the kind of wild swings unregulated hormones bring. I’m 67, and my body still goes from cold to too warm to cold again, so I wear layers. My doctor tells me she has women in their 90s who still have this issue. I have found life after April, 2011 to be easier and more comfortable by far than it was before. I hope you do too.
Nikki – Awesome! My sex drive actually increased. Hot flashes are managed with medication. I overall feel so much better since my hysterectomy. Goodbye to the cramps I felt in my back since having my son in 1999.
Jean – Not surprising, but good news: menopause = no risk of unplanned pregnancy.
Rafaella – Money saving! I don’t have to pay for necessary items anymore. I don’t have concerns about bleeding through when out in public.
Liana – Hot flashes. Also known as warm enough for an entire 3 minutes at a time for once flashes. Love them.
Judy – I already was outspoken and true to self, but now I give even less fucks what anyone thinks, especially men!
Linda – I am 58, and I am sure I have been through the change, but I never noticed, so I can’t tell you when. I do note that my hormone-induced mood swings are gone. Life is so much calmer.
Deb – I do not miss having a period whatsoever. I’m way less filtered and tend to speak my mind more. I also don’t really care what people think about me, either. My people-pleasing days are in the rear-view mirror.
Robin – Finally, being more at peace with my body – I don’t shave my legs even half as much as I used to – I can count on one hand the amount of fucks I give – I realized that I have wasted a lot of time on people that I shouldn’t have. So we don’t do that anymore. Bye! – The best part about it is that I can go to any conference or any event without worrying if I’m going to have my period at that time LOL
Rebecca – You definitely have more clarity of mind and can see through people’s BS much more than ever before.
Ann – The best thing to me about menopause is not having periods anymore! I had such horrible cramps from my first period, and I would lose from 1 to 3 days a month, and it’s just so nice not to have that pain.
Lily Luminous – I called my mother when the hot flashes set in and asked what she had done, and she told me to buy a bunch of hand fans and keep them everywhere. I did, and it worked. In fact, many people gifted me hand fans during that time. I am so glad I don’t have periods anymore, and my emotions are way more stable. It has not affected my sex life; I just discovered that lube is my best friend!
Earline – I have PCOS, among other autoimmune disorders. I never had regular menstrual periods; sometimes I’d go several months between them, and at other times, I would have uncontrolled bleeding lasting for weeks or months that would land me in the emergency room. I didn’t receive the PCOS diagnosis until 1988, 23 years after I began menstruating. Following the diagnosis and surgical removal of my left ovary, I took hormones that caused severe cramping. Four years after the first surgery and regular uterine biopsies, I had a complete hysterectomy and HRT replacement. Once my body calmed down after what I’ve always called my turbo menopause, I felt better than I ever had. My libido, which had always been strong, increased. (I began losing my hair, too, but you can’t have everything.)
Elizabeth Anne Wood – I am in perimenopause, waiting eagerly for the 366th day (I’ve come within 100 days before). I’m waiting for the sense of freedom from unneeded discomfort, inconvenience, and consequence. I am using HRT and successfully avoiding most of the unpleasant changes, and so longing for the freedom. Freedom to wear white pants, to carry pads and tampons only for others, to leave cramps and mood swings behind, and to feel like my body is fully my own instead of mine but with a spare room for someone I might not have invited and who I’d be expected to care for even if they were an unwanted guest.
TammyJo Eckhart – No more ovarian cysts or endometriosis, so no more pain in those areas of my body. The perimenopausal brain fog is gone.
MG Ward – No more sudden grumpy or tragic moods that remind me “It’s Wonderful Being a Girl!” Time again. More emotional stability in general. No more completely incomprehensible needs that alienate people. (And myself.) Control of sexual urges (and lack thereof) by my conscious self! Such freedom.
Finally, from my partner, Jen – I love menopause because there’s no risk of me spontaneously gushing blood out of my nether parts anymore, and the attendant mess that then ensued.
It’s About Self-Love, Self-Care, and Choosing Your Own Path
These 23 women shared their lived experience of menopause to help other women. It is a stage of life that can liberate us! It’s a stage where we finally get to be authentic without apology. And all the mess and bother, the cramps and aches, all of the biological burdens women carry in their youth, just drift away, leaving the fun of flirting, the joys of intimacy, and the wonderful new beginnings open to you.
Next week, I’ll show you the science that backs them up, and how to keep the flame of your libido burning as long as you like.
And to all the women who responded to me , YOU ROCK!!! Love you!
Photo credit: Shvetsa@pexels
