You can be brilliant at your job, great with money, amazing with people, and still have no idea what you’re doing in bed. At least, that is my observation from 24 years of clinical practice. On the other hand, you could learn some new thinking skills through sex and raise your sexual intelligence!
My theory is that sex can teach us about life itself. Sex can gift us with brain skills that school never gave us. It’s those very skills that can help all people have better sex lives as adults. Yet we don’t teach it. I see this in my therapy practice all the time. People from all walks of life who are competent, capable adults, except in their bedrooms, where the masks come off, and the sex problems begin.
Take heart. Anyone can build sexual intelligence at any age, regardless of their history, age, fitness, or how emotionally stuck they feel right now.
Three Thinking Skills Sex Teaches
Here’s what most people don’t understand. Sexual intelligence isn’t about applying your brain power to sex. It’s about the unique kinds of intelligence that sex develops in you.
There are thinking skills you can ONLY learn through erotic experience. Nobody can teach them to you. You have to discover them yourself. This is my list of the three most important skills.
1. Experiential Body Wisdom
You cannot read or fantasize your way to knowing what your body wants. Only direct erotic experience teaches you what works for YOUR body.
This is why kinky people start off with light sensations and build up slowly. People will say, “Oh, I’d love to be whipped. Do it hard!” only to discover that crap HURTS!
Let your body tell you what kinds of sensations delight you. This signals visceral feelings to the brain’s understanding. It teaches you nuance; not just yes or no, but all the shades of maybe, sometimes, depends, god yes, and never again. This is irreplaceable individual knowledge.
2. Empathic Connection
Just as Emotional Intelligence means being able to tune in to how others feel, sexual intelligence requires more empathy and compassion for your partner.
This doesn’t mean every relationship must be deep or meaningful. It means that, regardless of partner, you are both consenting adults who seek to give each other pleasure. Whether it’s your spouse, a blind date, or a hook-up off Grindr, there is a mutual understanding that you’re there to give and receive intimacy.
And, when it comes to meaningful partners, sex teaches you to open your heart to them, carry more space for forgiveness with them, and to walk together on a path of mutual intimacy.
3. Sexual Imagination
Sex expands your ability to envision different scenarios. It teaches creative thinking about possibilities. It allows you to reinvent your sexual self. Harnessing your imagination for pleasure instead of letting anxiety run amok can turn you into a calmer, clearer-headed version of yourself. Learning how to compartmentalize and distinguish which fantasies should stay fantasy-only and which ones are actionable will lower your blood pressure and give you a more authentic, realistic way to live
In my upcoming workbook, How to Become A Sex Genius, you’ll find an exercise that challenges you to imagine an alternate world where you can completely reinvent your sexual self.
The 7 Signs of Low Sexual Intelligence
Most people have never developed these skills. They stumble through their sex lives confused, frustrated, or resigned.
Here are the seven characteristics of low sexual intelligence. (By the way, if any of these sound like you, you’re going to love the forthcoming Sex Genius book!)
- You are sexually compulsive: can’t stop consuming porn, gooning, other habits you want to stop
- You don’t learn from your mistakes in bed: you’re stuck in a sexual Ground Hog’s Day. No matter how many times something fails, you’re not using your noggin to address the problem
- You are chaotic about sex, with conflicting needs: even people with mental health issues deserve happy, satisfying sex lives. It isn’t just about setting boundaries! It’s about sticking to them!
- You don’t choose so much as go with the flow: you let partners dictate what happens and when, not because your role demands it but because you’re avoiding taking agency over your own body
- You don’t think you’re sexy because you have let others set the standard of sexiness for you. Sorry, that’s just BLECH. Most humans are far more sexually attractive than they or their culture will ever admit.
- You don’t expect anyone to be attracted to you because you’ve bought into the social negativity. It’s so bad that not only don’t you see yourself as good-looking but when you see people who resemble you, you look down on them, and make jokes about their size, shape, age, baldness, etc.
- Your routines are predictable: loneliness, failure to find sex partners, inability to forge empathic or erotic connections. There is a way out. But you have to be willing to make behavioral changes.
Sexual Intelligence Is Easy to Build!
If you recognized yourself in three or more of these, you’re not alone. Most adults are sexually intelligent in some areas and completely lost in others.
The good news? Sexual intelligence is something anyone can build.
When I first published a chapter about sexual intelligence in Sex and the Self in 2011, I had real hope that America was ready for comprehensive sex education. 15 years later, it feels like an impossible dream. But I am persistent. I know that Sexual Intelligence changes lives for the better. That’s happened for so many of my clients. They succeeded in changing not only their sex lives, but their whole emotional perspectives.
Part 2 coming Thursday of this week. See you then.
photo credit: Geralt at Pixabay
