Consent is the core value in kink and fetish communities. It’s the foundation of every negotiation, every scene, and every relationship. Real consent requires sexual intelligence.
To give consent, you must know what you want and what you don’t, be able to clearly explain it to a partner, have risk awareness (including safer sex), and make deliberate choices that serve your best interests.
Depending on how your family raised you, they may have pressured you not to question things or step outside social norms. You may never have had the chance to develop that level of self-knowledge and radical self-honesty.
Consent requires sexual intelligence. Some folks think that’s no big deal. But it’s the WHOLE deal.
Consent Requires Consciousness
The world of kink and fetishism works on deeper levels, emotionally, psychologically, and erotically, than we were raised for. Traditional roles and beliefs indoctrinated all of us.
That means consent can be profoundly layered and complex, depending on the individual relationship. And, while many people worry about the physical risks of non-consensual scenes, and that is totally valid, I primarily worry about the psychological risks because of my job. I see the betrayals that somehow go deeper than vanilla rifts, just as I see bonds that surpass all vanilla limits.
Kink and fetish unleash intense, sometimes previously unknown, emotions. That’s another why your sexual intelligence matters. Processing those emotions takes guts and maturity.
Notable Patterns of Kink/Fetish Struggle
Both in my life and in my practice, I’ve seen over and over again how people get trapped in dysfunctional behaviors and relationships around their kinks and fetishes. Perhaps the single most common pattern is placing all the blame for romantic or life failures on a fetish or kink.
It’s sad to me. No, your love of feet has not ruined your life, but your attitude towards your love of feet may have.
Three Common Clinical Patterns
My clients are often:
- Trapped by unresolved shame. Many kinky people are still operating from survival strategies they developed in adolescence. Their true desires are kept secret. They tell little lies that grow into big lies. The stress of potential exposure haunts them. They love and hate themselves simultaneously. This is remarkably common in the United States, reflecting our religious and political patchwork culture.
- Leading double lives. It starts as a way to protect the parts of life they enjoy, and becomes a prison. They cannot decide who they really want to be, the person they are in a dungeon or the person they are at home. It hurts to admit they are cheating, so they justify it or claim it’s for their kids.
- Grew up with poor role models or none at all. Nobody taught them to question, negotiate, or think critically about their own needs. Before they get the physical skills, they need to grow their thinking skills.
Vanilla Think
The biggest problem with these patterns is vanilla think. They’re based on the values people were raised to believe in, not the ones they feel deep down. Many of us enter kink and fetish communities still carrying the baggage our teachers, parents, and authorities strapped on our backs – the belief that there’s only one right way to live, one right way to love, and one right way to BE.
Simple example: Three of my clients waited until their 60s to come out as kinky to their wives. That was 40-plus years each of them not realizing their wives were very interested in exploring with them. Imagine if they’d learned to know themselves and speak up about their needs decades earlier. But they were of the generation where it felt absolutely pathological to admit you like enemas or kissing boots.
Adults Can Raise their SI
Until you know your own boundaries, you can’t negotiate them. If you’re too embarrassed to have frank sexual conversations, you won’t be able to fully communicate your needs and wants. To understand what your partner will be doing and whether you’re eager to try it, you need the thinking skills to assess the risks of doing it with them specifically.
You can raise your sexual intelligence quotient. Remember, SI isn’t a personality trait you’re born with. It’s a set of critical thinking skills you can easily learn at any age. The more you practice them, the higher you go. That’s like having a super power!
Become A Sex Genius
Sex therapy helps adults build sexual intelligence about themselves, whether it’s through analysis, problem solving, or behavioral changes. Once clients get these simple, fun therapeutic tools and homework to sharpen perception, their brains start to light up.
That’s exactly what Become a Sex Genius will do for you.
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Raise Your Sexual Intelligence Quotient!
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