So you’ve tried negotiating with your partner and it didn’t work. Or maybe it worked but you discovered that their idea of frequency or “what’s acceptable” doesn’t work for you. Disappointed though you may be, you still want to stay in the relationship. So what’s a person to do?
It’s time to take another step towards eliminating sex negativity by normalizing masturbation as a natural aspect of life. When you accept that self-pleasure is a form of self-care, you’ll feel freer to enjoy it.
Self-Pleasure = Sexual Self-Succiency
Typically, adults compensate for a lack of partnered sex by masturbating. Adults, of all genders, also masturbate for the extra buzz, even when there’s a willing partner. It’s a good way to supplement a sex life, relieve tension, and experience pleasure without complications or the need for reciprocity.
Masturbation usually begins in our teens and continues well into old age. Yet, many of those who do are embarrassed that they do. If you think that masturbation is silly, sinful, or “cheating,” you are reacting to cultural negativity and demonizing your biology. You may not consciously realize that but you can’t fool your brain. The brain uses orgasms to boost your immune system and promote organic function throughout your body, from skin to heart.
Sexual self-sufficiency is a natural way to give your biology what it needs. Sex-positive people masturbate, feeling pleasure before, during, and after orgasm. Why? Because they accept that it’s good for them.
To liberate your mind, you need to work WITH your biology and view masturbation as a healing behavior. Isn’t it time to liberate yourself from negative thoughts about self-pleasure? If you’re human, that time is now.
Chasing Away Sex-Negativity
First, let’s look at the difference between a sex-positive attitude toward masturbation and a sex-negative one.
Sex Positive Attitude
Sex positivity is when you accept that sexual pleasure is a natural need in humans. Having lusty feelings is universal. Arousal is a sign that your sex drive and sex organs are in good shape. Being hungry for sexual fulfillment is a normal, healthful impulse. You get hungry for food when your body doesn’t have enough nourishment. You get hungry for sex for similar reasons. Your brain is telling you that an orgasm will nourish your body and mind.
Sex Negative Attitude
Sex negativity is a product of cultural teachings. The only kind of sex a healthy human brain hates is non-consensual sex. The brain distinguishes between good sex and bad sex in this way: good sex elevates your brain’s “feel-good hormones” and brings comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. Bad sex causes emotional trauma.
Sex-negative people often feel conflicted about self-pleasure. They get stressed and miss out on the complete experience of satisfaction that sex-positive adults feel after orgasm. You can view it as a war of the body chemicals: your stress chemicals block the flow of feel-good hormones. The results are usually negative. You may have performance issues. You’ll feel guilty or anxious about doing it — or disgusted after orgasm. Perhaps you feel depressed or emotionally empty after masturbating. In that case, chances are you have a sex-negative attitude and your brain is not giving you the joyful rush that a sex-positive person experiences.
Even worse, if you demonize your natural hunger for orgasms, sex negativity accrues. If you feel that it’s dirty or shameful, negative thinking builds over time to a point where stress interferes with your ability to function both in bed and in daily life.
You can’t separate body and mind: they work in tandem. Sex negativity leads to stress and sexual self-hatred, which leads to sexual dysfunctions and stress disorders.
Simply put, sex-positive masturbation is good for you; sex-negative masturbation is bad for you.
Do You Need Permission from Your Partner?
Ideally, you feel comfortable sharing that you masturbate with your partner. Also ideally, your partner accepts it without criticism or complaint. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
Most people prefer to hide it from their partners, for a huge range of reasons. But the key point to remember is that orgasms are good for you. Expecting someone else to approve of your choice means you have not yet grasped the sex-positive approach. You own your own body. Take agency over it!
If you wait for permission from someone who is sex-negative in the first place, you’ll go to your grave sexually frustrated. Accept the responsibility of knowing what’s right for you, and make masturbation a positive choice over which you have full control.
The Science of Sex Proves that Orgasm is Good For You
Although the beliefs that masturbation will shrink your genitals or make you go blind are now laughable myths, not nearly enough people know the medical facts or have read the voluminous research across medical fields (urology, gynecology, brain science, and cardiology, to name a few) that prove otherwise.
- Masturbation is the single most common sex act in the world
- The desire to touch yourself is a universal biological feature of our brains
- Orgasms serve a positive purpose in human health
- Orgasms trigger brain chemicals that refresh and restore your body
- Feeling shame or guilt about normal masturbation raises your Cortisol (the primary stress hormone) and lowers your immunity to disease.
You can read all about the evidence-based reasons to masturbate in my visionary book, Sex and the Self.
Self-Pleasure Sets You Free
Whether you grew up believing that orgasm is strictly for intercourse with someone you love, or that masturbation harms your sexual performance or mental health, those antiquated and religious-based theories have been disproven by the science of sex.
Time is overdue for you to normalize masturbation and incorporate it into your self-care routine. Regular orgasms protect your reproductive health and delay aging in all genders. Normalizing self-sufficiency is a sex-positive, medically-sound solution to keep your body and mind healthy when you aren’t having partnered sex.
*This is part 4 of a 5-part series.*
- Sex Negativity in Relationships
- Confronting Internalized Sex Negativity
- Negotiating a Sex-Positive Dynamic
- Self-Pleasure is Sex-Positive
image created on Unstable Diffusion
