In the ongoing re-imagining of my site, more changes are coming. Starting next week, I’m going to build up to a small collection of educational resources for female submissives – blogs, a free giveaway, maybe a couple of low-cost eBooks. But first, I need to talk to you about a subject that impacts ALL WOMEN.
I’ve worked with CEOs, doctors, lawyers, and entrepreneurs – women who run companies, save lives, and manage millions. From the outside, they have it all. Impressive careers. Beautiful homes. People who depend on them. Success by every measurable standard. And yet, their self-esteem is built on cobwebs and shredded dreams.
In the safe space of my virtual office, they whisper the same secret: they feel worthless. They’re impostors. They’re fooling people. Inside, they are liars and cowards. They judge themselves by their mistakes. They’re ashamed of their bodies. Their sex lives are broken. So too are their hearts.
Most people would look at their achievements and imagine that they have EVERYTHING a woman could want. But they most certainly do not if they lack self-esteem.
Three Tells That Your Self-Esteem Needs Work
While all genders experience it, these are the three most common issues I’ve observed in women:
1: “I’ll never be enough for him.” Millions of women never think they’re pretty enough or sexy enough to keep their partner interested. This anxiety has fueled the explosive growth in plastic surgery and cosmetic enhancements – women spending thousands to fix “flaws” that exist primarily in their own minds. They live in constant fear of being replaced, upgraded, abandoned for someone better. This anxiety poisons intimacy and turns relationships into exhausting performances.
2: “That’s too much for me to ask for.” Women with poor self-image grow up afraid to ask for what they want. That applies to requesting raises, buying a new dress, or expecting husbands to share household chores. It also means they don’t ask for what they want in bed – they assume their partner will reject them (which would hurt endlessly) or mock and abuse them for it. These women withdraw sexually or dissociate during sex. Once they establish that pattern of disconnection, they may never feel fully alive again. It’s one reason why marriages go dead.
3: “Okay, if that’s what you want.” They deliberately settle for less. Secretly, they’re tired of being blamed or yelled at for stating their opinion – particularly when it doesn’t align with their partner’s. One way or another, they always lose fights. So why bother when your partner acts like they’re the only one whose opinions count?
This is why submissive women, whether straight, kinky, or something, should do some self-work before committing to a long-term relationship.
Self-Esteem Is Not Entitlement
Low self-esteem is tied to many of the biggest problems humans have: stress disorders, depression, career failures, bitter loneliness, self-hatred, emotional masochism, and profound shame.
Research consistently shows that women report lower self-esteem than men.
- A landmark study across 48 nations found males consistently report higher self-esteem than females (Bleidorn et al., 2016).
- Predictors of low self-esteem in women include childhood temperament, overcontrolling mothers, low educational attainment, and psychiatric morbidity (Romans et al., 1996).
- Studies show that 79% of female students were dissatisfied with their appearance (Pop, 2016).
- Research on women aged 45-54 found that 88.9% experienced body dissatisfaction.
- Among married women specifically, spousal evaluation and family comments emerged as significant predictors of body dissatisfaction.
Women Can Build Themselves Up Individually
What studies like these collectively tell us is that female self-esteem is universally low. You can blame the patriarchy, throw shade on unrealistic beauty standards, or point out economic disparities, but blame depletes your energy to do the most important work of all: to lift yourself up. To love yourself more. To become the woman you authentically feel yourself to be. It doesn’t matter now what your journey has been in the past — what matters most right now is what your journey WILL BE going forward.
No one but you can do it. Your relationship with yourself is as important, and some would argue even more important, than your relationship with others. The relationship with yourself invisibly informs your life decisions. Your clothes, your grooming, your social life, who you fall for romantically are all products of your relationship with YOURSELF.
If you have a dysfunctional (self-hating, self-punishing, self-scolding) relationship with yourself, how will you form functional relationships with other people?
Photo credit: RosZie @Pixabay
