I’ve spent decades working with and observing, but also living with and loving, submissive women. One thing I can say with absolute certainty: the quality of one’s power relationship speaks to the quality of your relationship with yourself.
Without genuine self-esteem, submissives cannot truly consent. They comply or, worse, “go along to get along” and avoid conflict.
Lula’s Story
After years of dysfunctional relationships where she felt abused, my 30-something client Lula decided she needed a male dominant to fix her life. In her mind, a dominant put you on a good path, gently walked you through a journey of delight, knew precisely what you needed, and would fulfill those needs in healthy ways. He would set the limits and determine how she lived, and they would live happily ever after. So she scoured FetLife and found a local guy who fit the bill, at least physically — tall, nice looking, tattooed. She felt triumphant, like she had won the Dom lottery.
Knowing her terrible history, I had misgivings. She hadn’t dealt with any of it. She did not really want to be in therapy. It was her Master’s idea.
I met her Master. He was a nice guy, calm, ethical, but not experienced enough to realize that Lula was a throbbing minefield of insecurity. He had no idea at first of the kind of expectations she had of him — expectations that extended to him knowing how she felt without her needing to tell him; and her obeying commands that, in her heart, she thought were unfair, even mean. She never used her safeword. Instead, she built a case against him. Finally, she snapped: she didn’t want to do BDSM anymore. She said he was abusive. He never even saw that coming. That’s when he told her she had to talk to a therapist. He was at his wits end: her calling him abusive was a death blow but now he felt too guilty to stop seeing her. His self-esteem wasn’t prime either.
I was glad Lula finally came for therapy but by that time, it was too late, at least for that relationship.
Karina’s Story
Karina came to me after getting involved with a man she met online. He bedazzled her with promises of trips to foreign destinations. He took her to an expensive restaurant on their first date, and over dessert, he said he wanted to train her to be the perfect submissive.
Karina was in her late 50s. She had never been married, nor was she especially interested in kink. But she was lonely, had a bad body image, and seldom left the house. Even a whiff of romance was irresistible to her. When he showed her his ropes, she was titillated. When he tied her up, she was confused but not scared. It all felt strange to her but she had already given him all her trust. He would change her life. He would take her places and introduce her to people. She would finally have a social life and some status. She gave him her heart. By month three, he barely had time to text. He finally confessed that he had several other partners and a full calendar that included BDSM clubs and private orgies.
Karina was shocked, dismayed, betrayed. She broke up with him. Then she played merry-go-round, reconciling and breaking up for months. Eventually, he said he could only see her for an hour a week. And she agreed to it. Because, as she confided, even if he was not really what she wanted, he was the only one who wanted her.
She recognized it wasn’t consensual. I told her that explicitly, repeatedly. But she stayed because her self-esteem was so damaged that even a relationship that made her miserable felt better than being alone.
Lyra’s Story
Lyra was in her twenties. She was a lawyer in a relationship with another lawyer who’d introduced her to kink. Unlike the previous two women, this client genuinely loved BDSM. She’d found something real about herself in power exchange.
But the man she’d attached herself to was mentally unstable. Radical mood shifts. Deep intimacy followed by estrangement and hatred. He’d cling to her desperately, then drive her away with cruelty.
We worked together on her self-esteem. We dug into her childhood and family patterns, examining why she’d gotten caught up in a relationship that hurt her. She began to see how her history had primed her to tolerate abuse.
She broke free. And here’s the important part: she didn’t quit kink. She quit accepting abuse. She kept what she loved about power exchange and changed the pattern that had trapped her.
The Differences Between The Stories
Perhaps the saddest and yet most common trap that submissives build for themselves is when they haven’t done the self-work before entering a kinky relationship. Indeed, most femsubs learn by making mistakes. That can be devastating. Some women stay long past the point of feeling cherished or even heard. And, of course, there are the three women discussed above.
Lyra did the work with gusto. She was eager to plunge into the childhood issues that had led to adult problems. The work gave her the strength to leave. She cut things off with her ex and has embarked on a saner, healthful life. She feels freer, and has already connected with someone who is compassionate and stable.
The other two women clung to their belief that no one could ever love them for who they were. They were too rigid to accept that they were the ones who needed to change.
Commit to Yourself First
Being ready for BDSM means you a) know what it’s about (you HAVE to do all the reading!) b) you are BDSM-positive and know in your soul it’s what you want, and c) are prepared to learn the realities of power exchange, through kinky experiments and deep conversation with people just like you.
A healthy D/s relationship can be transformative. It can give you access to parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. But that can’t happen until you feel proud about yourself and what you bring to the table. That’s when you can ask for and get the happiness you deserve. Before you commit to any dominant, commit to understanding yourself. Strong self-esteem is the foundation of truly informed consent and well-balanced power dynamics.
Ready to Start?
My Ten Exercises to Boost Your Self-Esteem workbook gives you practical, evidence-based tools to begin building that foundation. These are clinical exercises I’ve used with clients for years to help them recognize their worth, set boundaries, and develop the internal strength that makes consensual submission possible.
Next week, I’ll talk about the hallmarks of strong, powerful relationships and the strong, powerful women who build them.
Related Reading
Three Exercises to Boost Your Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem is a Game Changer for Women
Image credit: Jessica Felicio @ Unsplash
